O/T WARNING! This post contains high volumes of innuendo..

Apparently these are all true excerpts from episodes of Rainbow...what WERE the scriptwriters thinking of??!!??

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana... Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four" George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?" Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it. Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in" Geoffrey: "You managed it last night" Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit. Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George" George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle."

Geoffrey (to camera) "Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing" Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?" Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?" George: "Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?" Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well?" Geoffrey (to camera): "Have you seen Bungles twanger?" Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it." Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument." Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here." George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?" Zippy: "Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft." Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger." Bungle (excited): "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Jane and Freddy enter. Freddy: "We could hear you all banging away" Rod: "Banging can be fun." Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy." Freddy (looking sad): "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument." Rod (to Jane): "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?" Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?" Zippy: "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers." George: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size your twanger is." Zippy: "I've got a big red one." George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it." Geoffrey (to viewers): "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song." Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."

Suddenly I find myself thinking of Mrs Slocomb's pussy once more....

It is actually true as it came from an unaired pilot episode. And better still, this whole transcript is available on some internet site (actual recorded sound!).

Even better is the transcript from an unaired episode of "Have I Got News For You" which had Sir Jimmy Saville face some stiff questioning regarding certain "abuse" allegations.

I'll try to find the original email I received from the BBCs "Panorama" department...

Kezzie - that WHOLE SEQUENCE - a genuine 1976 pilot episode of "Rainbow" that was just deemed too ... um... contentious for the minors' consumption... was ACTUALLY SHOWN on telly before - at least TWICE!!! The last time - most famously on "TV OFFAL" by Victor Lewis Smith a few years back. I've still got it on video somewhere - fucking hilarious it was!!!

Here's that HIGNFY transcript...

Have I Got News For You Series 17, Show 7

Recorded 27/5/99 for transmission on 28/5/99 Guests: Sir James Saville OBE, Diane Abbott MP Prog No: 06/HGT/SW76Q Running time: 102'46'03 (Edited to 28'54) Producer: Giles Pilbrow, Hat Trick 1999

Here are some extracts from an unedited Have I Got News For You rushes tape. (The cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets and highlighted.)

Out-take 1: 02'45

Following a discussion about the England rugby boss taking cocaine:

MERTON It wouldn't be so bad if News Of The World, News International, if they actually paid any tax in this country - they haven't paid any tax since about 1983. So that would be alright, you could say 'Well, y'know, OK, they can have a go at the royals, they can have a go at anybody'. But they, y'know, they owe us billions of pounds in tax. You could have built hospitals with that. Or given it to me. (Audience applauds)

DEAYTON I assume the applause was for the hospitals, not giving it to Paul. (Audience laughs)

[MERTON There you go - that's me reading Ian's bits on the autocue. That's post-modern for you. Hospitals? Yeah, like I give a fuck. (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE The editor of the News Of The World - what's his name?

HISLOP Phil Hall.

SAVILLE That's right. Very nice man.

HISLOP Mmm. I wonder where the billions of pounds in tax went, though? (Does comedy cocaine sniff; Audience giggles)

DEAYTON I feel the word 'allegedly' homing into view...

HISLOP Yes. And I feel the phrase 'Phil Hall is a big fat druggie' homing into view. (Pause) Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer in the front row.

(Waves at lawyer) Hello!

(Audience laughs)

DEAYTON Have you ever taken drugs, Jimmy?

SAVILLE Well...

HISLOP You can tell us. Phil Hall and you are like that.]

SAVILLE I have a drugs record. (Uncertain pause)

HISLOP Do you?

SAVILLE Mm.

HISLOP And do you play it a lot? (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE 212 marathons and I've never been tested once.

[HISLOP Good god. You and Phil Hall both.

SAVILLE Ah, but he never ran the marathon...

HISLOP Oh right...

MERTON Yes he did. He used to go dressed as a big fat druggie. (Audience laughs)

HISLOP Oh yes, I remember now...

MERTON It made a change from a giant chicken, so he said. The judge gave him five years (Pause) I don't know what I'm talking about. I've done 212 of these shows and I've never been tested once.

HISLOP (To Saville) So they've never tested you?

SAVILLE Yeah. ]

SAVILLE And I say, what's wrong with me, why can't you test me? And he said 'Because you come in last, so...'. (Audience laugh)

Out-take 2: 04'17

Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland's decision to publish topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:

SAVILLE It's well out of order.

HISLOP Indeed. And it's Mr Murdoch again.

SAVILLE Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in someone else's paper?

HISLOP If anyone's got any pictures, do drop them...in...

[MERTON I've got some.

DEAYTON Well, you'll have to share them with us next time, Paul...

MERTON I will. It could be an entirely new game. Spot the rancid, pus-filled cock...up the arse of some old tart. 'Whose Buboes Are They Anyway'?

DEAYTON Are you calling Mr Yelland's personal hygiene into question?

MERTON Not at all. I'm just saying he's a cunt. (Audience applauds) I'm saying he's a cunt with a rancid pus-filled cock. Which is the title of new six-part documentary series on Channel 5, apparently.

DEAYTON We look forward to it.

MERTON I don't. Stupid depressing old fucker. I hope he dies a painful death. Seriously. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. No joke. (Smattering of audience applause)

DEAYTON But The Sun have apologised, of course... ]

Out-take 3: 09'36

During the headline round:

DEAYTON You used to be a wrestler didn't you?

SAVILLE I still am.

DEAYTON Are you?

SAVILLE I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh)

[DEAYTON Yeah, I've heard about that.

SAVILLE What have you heard?

DEAYTON I've...

MERTON Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

SAVILLE I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...

MERTON That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)

HISLOP Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...

SAVILLE (To DEAYTON, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

DEAYTON Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...

SAVILLE Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON So were you a professional wrestler?

SAVILLE Yes I was.

DEAYTON (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience giggles)

HISLOP Feared by every girls' school in the country...

SAVILLE That's right.

MERTON Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh)

DEAYTON Erm...

HISLOP You're on top form tonight, Paul...

SAVILLE (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV) OK, do you...[inaudible section]...shall we, for pick-ups...

MERTON I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

SAVILLE A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)

MERTON Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad, senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)

DEAYTON I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

MERTON Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say. (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors. (Audience unrest)

HISLOP Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience laughs)

DEAYTON Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

SAVILLE I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

MERTON What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience laughs)

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...

MERTON Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...

DEAYTON Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge audience laugh)

SAVILLE (Calmly) I did.]

DEAYTON You didn't have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)

Out-take 4: 21'20

Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta.

DEAYTON [Asked by the...

MERTON I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE Did you really?

MERTON Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke. (Audience laugh)

HISLOP He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

SAVILLE No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show, wasn't it? (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE No, they never did want me.

HISLOP Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE She was an exception.

DEAYTON Who's Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE Sarah Cornley is...

HISLOP About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh)

SAVILLE That's right.

HISLOP So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything...

SAVILLE You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. (Audience unease)

MERTON Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and cigar, wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.

SAVILLE Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...

MERTON We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and fucking pubic lice.

HISLOP (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)

MERTON Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

DEAYTON (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

MERTON No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.

SAVILLE You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.

MERTON Oh fuck off...

FLOOR MANAGER (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to... (Phil Davey enters)

PHIL DAVEY OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...

[RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON AWAITING HIS CUE]

DEAYTON OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta.]

DEAYTON Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting style...

Can i just point out (for legal reasons) that it's false. Allegedly. But thats what they want you to think!

Bomb The Past, I read that transcript on another site a while ago. If I knew of its existence I'm sure many many more people knew about it before me and if any legal action was going to be taken I think it would have happened by now.

There is a way of getting stories about scandals into the public domain without risking legal action from the people involved which has been used recently the NME, the Mirror and another British tabloid. What these publications do is tell the story in a question beginning with "Who" or "Which". As long as they don't name the people involved or describe them in a way which would identify them the people invovled can't sue for libel. If you're not sure how this works and you have a particularly strong stomach, here's an example:

Which TV presenter stole the body of his beloved mother from the chapel of rest and then buggered her?

Yeah, but I reckon if i'd edited it down to two lines it might lose something.

Originally posted by Fingers Bomb The Past, I read that transcript on another site a while ago. If I knew of its existence I'm sure many many more people knew about it before me and if any legal action was going to be taken I think it would have happened by now.There is a way of getting stories about scandals into the public domain without risking legal action from the people involved which has been used recently the NME, the Mirror and another British tabloid. What these publications do is tell the story in a question beginning with "Who" or "Which". As long as they don't name the people involved or describe them in a way which would identify them the people invovled can't sue for libel. If you're not sure how this works and you have a particularly strong stomach, here's an example:Which TV presenter stole the body of his beloved mother from the chapel of rest and then buggered her?

Well, who was it...

Fac21, do you seriously think that I'm going to fix it for you to find out who the TV presenter in question is?

Here's another question: which male MOR singer who is particularly popular with elderly women and Christians asked a young male porter who showed him to his hotel room to stay the night?