Jokes?

A skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the barman, "I'll have a pint of lager please and a mop"

a baby seal walks into a club.

why did the little girl fall off the swing?

coney island baby wrote: why did the little girl fall off the swing?

From laughing? She could see Jeffery through the window, coming outta the tub?

no, because she had no arms. tasteless i know

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two

But don't ask me how they get into the lightbulb.

Biginoil wrote: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two

But don't ask me how they get into the lightbulb.

Fuckin' hell, Biggy. That was my iced coffee I just spat all over the keyboard!!

eta *edited to add* - post of the day.

I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.

The vet replied " Muzzle 'im? "

"No", I said- "I think he's an atheist".

You should have seen it before I edited it!

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.' 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?' 'Fae ma knickers right doon tae ma feet.'

A man was cupping his hand to drink from a Highland burn, The local gamekeeper shouted..."Here min,dinnae drink thon water, it's foo o' coo shit 'n' pish" The man replied, " Can you repeat that my good fellow, I'm English." The gamekeeper shouted back..................... "I said use both hands, ye'll get more that way."

A guy is pacing back 'n forth in the hospital. The doctor comes out, and the guy asks impatiently, "Doc, is my wife ok? Is the baby ok?, Its been a long time"

The doc says, "well, I've got good and bad news, which do youwant to hear first?"

"The good", replied the guy.

"Well, yer wife and baby are doing well, a quite noraml procedure, however she gave birth to a 7 pound ear"

"A 7 LB EAR! doc, you are right, that is bad news!"

"Thaat's not the bad news... yer baby's deaf"

Jokes? Celtic FC, Oor southern brethren, the good ole U.S. of A! An' how about Hooky's MySpace(cadet)page, or hauf Barney's lyrics?

Naw seriously: A nude woman standing looking in her bedroom mirror say’s to her husband; "I look fat and ugly, pay me a compliment", he replies "Your eyesight’s fucking spot on!"

Apparently they've found foot and mouth on a scotish farm.

Fuck all sign of the rest of Colin McRae though.

What's the difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of jam?

You can't unload jam with a pitchfork.

How did the Grand Canyon come into being?

A Scotsman dropped a sixpence down a rabit hole.

two priests sitting on a park bench, as a little 12 yr old schoolie walks by.

one elbows the other gently in the ribs and whispers "I bet you she woulda been a right looker in her day paddy",

what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

anal rape

I just met a girl whose name is Meg Minger.

I'm not kidding!

An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Englishman says to the Scotsman,

'If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

'The Scotsman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even.'

Robert Smith - What a joke lol

Someone I know told me he had seen Judy Collins last November. When she was doing "Both Sides Now" (one of her signature songs) she forgot the words!!!

Judy, who is almost 70, said she blamed it "Irish Alzheimer's"

Where you forget everything except the grudges...