Tell us a joke — Forum Archive

26 Mar 2003, 16:32

Go on, share a joke. Whatever joke you want.

Why can't Iraqi's have driving lessons and sex education on the same day? It wears out the camel!

Thank you I'll be here all evening!

26 Mar 2003, 17:16

What's white and can't jump?

A fridge.

26 Mar 2003, 17:23

Whats the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.

26 Mar 2003, 17:42

Ok you asked for it.. :D

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll @!#$ her again!!!"

26 Mar 2003, 17:50

What's brown and sticky?

a brown stick

26 Mar 2003, 17:58

A frog goes into a bank, he goes to the nearest free counter where there is a lady called Patricia Whack. He hops up onto the counter and asks for a loan of £15,000, the lady refuses and says "I can't give a frog a loan of £15,000" the frog says "but I have capitol, I can pay it back" so the lady says "ok, what's yer name" "it's Kermit Jagger" "OK Kermit, just what is this capitol you have?" so the frog pulls out a little brown crispy snack, "there ya go" says the frog, the woman looks confused, "go see the bank manager, he'll sort this out" so off goes the lady to the bank manager..."excuse me sir, I have a frog outside demanding a £15,000 loan, and he's given me this crisp as capitol.....I mean, just what is this?"

"It's a knick-knack Miss Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone"

26 Mar 2003, 17:58

Both have been used several times before :lol:

27 Mar 2003, 07:48

Jeremy Beadle has a small dick. On the other hand its big.

27 Mar 2003, 09:21

Millard Fillmore :p

27 Mar 2003, 13:23

How do you know you've got 5 elephants in your fridge? You can't fit any more elephants in.

27 Mar 2003, 23:45

A guy went on holiday to Australia & decided to do a tour of the coast. One day, he was walking along the beach near a small village when he noticed an elderly man sat down looking out to sea, who had a wooden leg, a hook at the end of his left arm and an eyepatch. The guy thought "He must have an interesting tale to tell."

So he struck up a conversation with the old man & eventually asked "What happened to your leg?" The old man responded "Fell overboard while sailing in the Caribbean and got attacked by a shark. Lost half me leg." Tourist: "What happened to your hand?" Old Man: "Not long after returning to duty, I fell overboard in the Pacific & got attacked by a shark again, this time losing a hand." Tourist: "That's bad luck. And how did you lose your eye?" Old Man: "First day back on duty, was looking up at the sky when a seagull passed over & took a dump on my eye." Tourist: "But that's not enough to cause you to lose an eye, is it?" Old Man: "It was the first day with the hook."

28 Mar 2003, 01:37

Saddam Hussein? More like So-DAMN-insane!!

28 Mar 2003, 08:07

When does Saddam Hussain have his dinner ?

... When Tariq Aziz

28 Mar 2003, 08:10

where does he keep his cd's

in iraq

28 Mar 2003, 10:00

Originally posted by Hibster where does he keep his cd'sin iraq

What's Saddam's favorite type of music?

Industrial :D

28 Mar 2003, 11:13

Originally posted by Taboo # 7 > Originally posted by Hibster where does he keep his cd'sin iraq

What's Saddam's favorite type of music?

Industrial :D What does Saddam want for Xmas?

Turkey.

28 Mar 2003, 11:20

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone? A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system? A: A refund.

28 Mar 2003, 11:38

"In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

28 Mar 2003, 16:34

okay i picked this up from my kids fav cartoon, spongebob square pants here goes Why Couldnt the 11 Year old get into the Pirate Movie? Because it waS Rated "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH"

28 Mar 2003, 16:49

What is Saddam's favourite New Order track? Chemical. :shrug:

:barf:

HEY! LAUGH! I don't dance....... :blush:

28 Mar 2003, 17:06

Q:What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A:You only have to punch in the rhythm once, with a drum machine.

ow!

29 Mar 2003, 22:19

A horse walked into a bar. The barman said: "Why the long face?"

29 Mar 2003, 22:21

2 goldfish in a tank. 1 said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Apparently, the old ones are the best. So don't blame me. Please.

29 Mar 2003, 22:51

Why don't roosters have hands?

Because chickens don't have tits.

31 Mar 2003, 10:24

what do you call a one legged china man?

one shoe tie

1 Apr 2003, 23:07

Saddam Hussein asked his daughter what she would like for her birthday.

She replied: "I'd love a new bag, dad!"

2 Apr 2003, 04:17

A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

2 Apr 2003, 04:30

Originally posted by Major Tarantino What's white and can't jump?A fridge.

Actually they can!

2 Apr 2003, 19:57

Patient: "Doctor, doctor - I keep having this feeling that I'm a wigwam and a tepee." Doctor: "Relax, your two tents."

2 Apr 2003, 20:57

A Seal walks into a club

Thank You

4 Apr 2003, 16:25

SHUGZV just rang and said he has a girlfriend!True..i kid you not!Now this is very FUNNY!:DCos he is bloody GAY!Don told me :wink:

5 Apr 2003, 10:09

Originally posted by Rocket Mick SHUGZV just rang and said he has a girlfriend!True..i kid you not!Now this is very FUNNY!:DCos he is bloody GAY!Don told me

:nonono:

5 Apr 2003, 10:18

Originally posted by Rocket Mick SHUGZV just rang and said he has a girlfriend!True..i kid you not!Now this is very FUNNY!:DCos he is bloody GAY!Don told me

:lame:

:nono:

5 Apr 2003, 13:53

Originally posted by Rocket Mick SHUGZV just rang and said he has a girlfriend!True..i kid you not!Now this is very FUNNY!:DCos he is bloody GAY!Don told me

dude not cool :nonono:

Shugz > You

6 Apr 2003, 09:50

Originally posted by Ben Aspinall > Originally posted by Rocket Mick> SHUGZV just rang and said he has a girlfriend!True..i kid you not!Now this is very FUNNY!:DCos he is bloody GAY!Don told me

dude not cool :nonono:

Shugz > You

I refer to my honourable friend by saying he's bald and he likes the pet shop boys....case closed:D

6 Apr 2003, 14:17

A priest, a rabbi, a dwarf, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

6 Apr 2003, 14:25

"I don't care for sex on the tele, I mean I keep falling off!" :lol:

(courtesy of MPFC)

6 Apr 2003, 17:21

A woman walks into the bar and asks for a double entrendre so the bar tender gave her one.

7 Apr 2003, 23:38

A new video taped interview with Saddam Hussein has been released. In it he says: "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were shite last Saturday."

A British government spokesperson responded: "That could have been recorded any time since last August."

8 Apr 2003, 14:18

if your american before you go into the bathroom and are american when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom????

A... Your A peeing (European)

10 Apr 2003, 05:01

The 8 Sadaam body doubles were gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the Deputy Prime Minister walked in and said, "the good news is that Sadaam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."

One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?

To which Tariq replied, "he's lost an arm".

10 Apr 2003, 06:03

why do easter eggs hide?

because they're little chickens.

20 Apr 2003, 13:26

What does the leper say to the hooker who's just given him head?

Keep the tip.

20 Apr 2003, 16:12

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

20 Apr 2003, 20:59

What's the most popular football team in Baghdad?

Luton.

20 Apr 2003, 22:01

This is a joke you prolly heard it before. lol this is my first time in this message board and bloody hell, new order rocks!

These two blondes jumped a building, a copper came over and asked why they jumped, one of the blondes said, "We were just trying out our new maxi pads with wings.

I thought it was hilarious when i first heard it. Good day mate. :-)