The Matrices Uploaded

(warning: some potential spoiling material contained below)

Although we missed opening night, we recently attended a sitting of the Matrices Uploaded alongside 4 other eager sci-fi generals.

Various conspiracy theories hinted that this instalment of the Mattress was heavy on binary coding, convoluted cup and saucer balancing, black holes, bull fighting, industrial waste and general warping from zone 3 to zone 4. I can now happily confirm that MII, was in fact slightly easier to digest than the plot loopings of MI.

In essence, and block your ears all those yet to relish in the Mattress, those who have yet to download and burn to a CD ready for a Saturday night home DVD viewing. Basically, some squid type creatures with neon eyes set sail for the human cyborg island of Ion Zeon, with the intention of battling Lawrence Fishslice and his band of antiquated Tron extras.

The sub-stories unfold around this focal premise.

A marked difference from M1 are the specialised effects, which are bountiful and plentiful. To the extent, it becomes so utterly relentless, its like when you've mowed the lawn, but you think it could do with another run, then on the back of that you think well you've done two so another won't take too much trouble ... and before long you've chopped that much seed the soil is above the grass.

For example, Agent Smuntz is multiplied tenfold, at one stage the digital hero 'Neil' the chosen whale grapples with 5.3 million Smuntz replicants in an effort to steal a banana and 2 oranges Smuntz had stolen from the fruit stall. Now I'm no Kibbutzee Brethren, but I'd have suggested to administer only 3 Agents to thwart Neil, one to jump from left to right to confuse Neil, the other to look good and say slightly comedic lines, and the 4th gentleman to leap on Neil's back and steal his gegs.

The infamous 'dirt track road' mentioned previously by posters around (the chase scene is set on a road with no scenery?) was not even a blimp in the system. It was all just nice. In fact, I wouldn't mind travelling to work on the same road, utilising the same Ducati motorcylce.

Some fairly dazzling moments of dialogue, which sees some new character called Malt Loaf attempt to decipher the whole Mattress with a very wordy 3 minute performance which left Neil struggling for new ways to look interested. Poor Keanu Leaves, Neil the boy child, couldn't even pretend to know what he was banging on about. Similar in some respects to the dark side of the Star Wars films that were released in the late 70's.

All in all a well worked effort, better in some ways to the original, down mainly to its speed of delivery. Acceptable performance by the 2 woodworkers dressed in white from the UK (what, an Englishman as the baddie? - never!) ... they certainly added a little tooling to the surroundings.

Maybe the addition of a minotaur could have jazzed things up, but there's always hope with the next Mattress to be Re-Sprung.

To Be Concluded.

So, H, did the road have scenery? Or was its absence not noticeable?

I finally saw Attack of the Clowns. Not nearly as bad as the previous movie. But is the title accurate?

Attraction of the Clandestines was very exciting in the cinema, it was almost ... is this a Star Wars film genuine? - rather than, oh dear, there goes my childhood S Wars memories. But yes, not one of them Clowns took it upon themselves to destroy any monsters.

Better title? - Yoda takes Manhattan?

If you had never mentioned the scenery depletion I would not have had any preconceived notions. But whilst I sat and viewed, I kept an eye out for no scenery. All I can say is that the road is suspiciously long (movie length - 100 miles with no bend) ... but they drive out of a city, and that city is clearly visible in most of the scenes which rise above the concrete (putty?) motorway surroundings.

In no way does it detract from the film.

You'd have to be an 'A' class geek to even think to think about it. My guess is that someone's spiked the coffee on this one, when there wasn't even a mug ready.

One possibly bone of contention with a similar discrepancy is the road in Terminator II ... which has a looped bridge type scenario going down. Now I have crossed the bridge where this scene was filmed and it takes about 30 seconds to cross, yet Alan Sausages chased someone on it for about 8 minutes. Looking closely, you could actually see the joins.

But that was before they had invented bullet time, which I'm sure makes things a little easier in the glue factory.

... cue someone to back me up on the fact that there was ample scenery on the dirt bike ride ...

If you had managed to watch the MTV movie awards, H, you would have been able to tell me how the extended parody of MII differed from the original. No road scene though.

Sausages P, unable to comment on the awards. They were shown at the weekending but I missed it again.

You were about to comment on Strangeways ...

I am embarrassed to confess, H, that what with watching Attack of the Kleins, and watching Murder By Numbers four or five more times, I only listened to one track from Strangers In The Night. Please forgive me?

Oh, and Dude, Where's My Car? How could I have forgotten that?

You really should be getting all of your chores completed before you relax with movies sir. Did one never listen to one's parents?

Also, reading with inferior lighting conditions at night ... tusk!

Hey P, The Smiths will always be there ... enjoy them when you have the chance. I only hope that you yourself will feel that listening to The Smiths will be as pleasurable as watching the cinema screens.

I could not watch On the Tarts because I was listening to Last Night I Dreamt that Somebody Loved Myself.

Its a similar theme, reoccurring. And maybe not just the film / music.

Originally posted by Patrick Oh, and Dude, Where's My Car? How could I have forgotten that?

Few can.

Apparently, in order to filly grasp the Mattress meanderings fully ... you need to watch the cartoon stories (which resolve some of the sub-plots), and play the computer game (preferably in black heavy metal T-shirt and only after the sun has gone down).

But really, techno squids take human island in computer word. What else do you need to know?

It was good that it didn't resort to stock book story line ending no. 63 ... mount apes on back of jeep, dispatch to gun down humans on the run in a pen, make jeep fly 40 ft. in the air after random explosion.

I'm relieved to learn that you haven't taken permanent offense, H. As you say, The Smiths will always be there, patiently waiting for me.

What chores?

I have ample reading light. Four lamps, each with a 100 watt bulb.

... isn't that classed as a city? - 4 x 100 watts!? ... that could light an entire nation.

In our house we're only 40 watters ... we like it like that. Bright lights are too much for us to handle.

Chores P, surely you haven't got a maid service to do everything? - there must be one thing you have to do which could be classed as a home type job. Who arranges your golf clubs?

Is there a Bright Lights = Big City gag in there already or should I add one?

I thought about it H but I couldn't think of one.

Can you give it a shot?

I fix my soup, H. Is that a chore? Cutting up all those veggies takes a lot of time.

Originally posted by Patrick I fix my soup, H. Is that a chore? Cutting up all those veggies takes a lot of time.

Is 'fix' American for 'prepare' or 'ready'?

UK equivalent, I fix my shoe laces.

Why, are they broke?

.. of course, I'm pulling your leg iron.

Either way, making your own tea isn't really a chore, its a pleasure. Especially if its that fine soup we've heard so much about.

Chores include mowing the lawn and decorating the front room. (one of the front rooms if quoting P's house).

If all a man has to do is prepare soup, then I question his ability to operate heavy machinery.

Some things are better left unsaid; some chores are better left undone.

Some soup is better left unfixed.

Good things always come in three's.

As Hugo Weaving said: "I only do trilogies."

Originally posted by Huntsman ... cue someone to back me up on the fact that there was ample scenery on the dirt bike ride ...

mr huntsman i've been waiting for this post. it was not really noticeable & there were a couple of overhead shots too, as you said the city was perceivable in the background. they managed to get round the shortened length of road available by turning round & changing direction. cunning.

did you stay for the trailer at the end of the film?

Heck no I didn't ... and I had read that there was some little taster at the end.

Damn it!

Was it the teaser for the new Mattress?

Thanks for the back-up. It may have come at close of play, but it was worth it.

it was, it revealed who the lone survivor was etc.

not sure it was rilly worth the half hour wait for all the credits, but nice to have seen all the same.

i had been otherwise engaged so a bit late in the day, but better late then never. would it be proper to suggest that saying you want more scenery in it would be churlish? akin to playing grand prix on the pc in various different graphics modes?

I just want to make clear that my concern about the road being surrounded by dirt was based on "making-of" shots aired before the movie was released, so I'm quite happy to learn that in the finished film the problem is not apparent.

Good lord Pasty, your enough to make a man throw a tantrum.

Firstly, the road is jam packed with gear ... it looks normal. Secondly, the only concern is 'above' the road, which does look a bit empty, very vacuous sky with little cloud, thirdly, when spinning around with the car chases, ahead and behind the road you can clearly see stuff ... so apart from the quite etha-like sky, its pretty packed.

Not a concern.

Mr. Blackbeard ... what on earth is the 'lone survivor'?

remember in the film there was one ship left behind in case the oracle wanted to make contact & it was attacked & every one died apart from person?

that was the lone survivor.

Originally posted by Huntsman Good lord Pasty, your enough to make a man throw a tantrum.Firstly, the road is jam packed with gear ... it looks normal. Secondly, the only concern is 'above' the road, which does look a bit empty, very vacuous sky with little cloud, thirdly, when spinning around with the car chases, ahead and behind the road you can clearly see stuff ... so apart from the quite etha-like sky, its pretty packed.Not a concern.Mr. Blackbeard ... what on earth is the 'lone survivor'?

Mmmm. jam.

Dear me, H, please don't throw a tantrum! Especially not about this!