Sam (The Happy One) has already plenty of those on his website.. (new-order.net), in fact, Sebastien had the idea to do this for NOOL and we dropped the idea when we saw somebody did it somewhere else...
Here is his list:
My list of various humorous, semi-humorious, and just plain deranged quotes from Bernard and Co.
Email updates@new-order.net if you have any that you would like to add!
Intro to Face-Up, New York 1987
BS: "Oh by the way, everyone says this, but we do love New York. The drugs are so cheap there...and plentiful..."
Intro to Perfect Kiss, New York 1987
Some chatter from BS slagging off Gene Loves Jezebel...can't quite make it out.
Intro for In a Lonely Place, Tolworth 1983
PH: "This is the brass section. If the Jam can do it, I'm sure we can." (intro for In a Lonely Place)
Intro to Temptation, Tolworth 1983
PH: "Well, there are several big blokes here that'll RIP YER FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!" (intro for Temptation)
Intro to Confusion, "Confused Dreams" bootleg
PH: "This one's A Certain Ratio song, we'd thought we play it for you because you would save (say?) it for me." (intro for 'Confusion')
random note number one
Both Lonesome Tonights intro with Bernard imploring everybody to move back. The first one has Hooky cussing out people with video cameras taking up room in the front or something like that, audio isn't easy to make out. (live 7/2/83)
Intro to Lonesome Tonight Live 12/6/85
(think this was the gig to benefit a coal miners' strike)
"You all move back a bit, else we'll be doing another suffocation benefit next week. I'm sure you don't want us to gig London again."
Alternate lyrics in same song
"You reached out in your sleep, and you felt my big fat cock."
Intro to Vanishing Point Reading 1989
BS: "Uh, I'm gonna wake up you Mission fans up now. I see you all, dressed in black, picking your fucking noses. What we want is New Order fans!"
PH (falsetto): "I can't 'ear you!"
Intro to Perfect Kiss Reading 1989
BS: "This is the first festival I've ever played where the band's been more out of it than the audience."
Intro to Elegia Red Parrot, Perth 21 Feb 1987
BS: "Sorry about that, we all had to go get some heroin. Oh, I'm joking, oh I'm joking! Cuz, remember, Drugs Are Bad For You."
Intro to As It Is When It Was, Guildhall Preston 22 Oct 1985
BS: "Thank you very much. We're gonna play another new song now, tell you what it's called, but I can't announce the title cuz I'm pissed...(few seconds' pause)...it's As It Is When It Was."
Intro to Shame of the Nation Sir Francis Xavier Dublin Ireland 24 Jan 1986
BS: "This next song is another new song. It's called "Shame Of The Nation". All we know, its about shagging, mindless shafting, so you all probably understand it."
Weirdo, Felt Forum NY 9 Dec 1986
I know you / you know me / and we're as fucked up / as we can be
Intro to Thieves Like Us Felt Forum NY 9 Dec 1986
PH: "What?...Can't hear ya...You see, New York is so wild, they have to have a 15 foot gap between you and us."
Intro to Confusion Felt Forum NY 9 Dec 1986
BS: "Thank you, thank you...I've always liked New York. Always."
Intro to 5-8-6 Felt Forum NY 9 Dec 1986
BS: "Get a bit excited on the old [win...] remember. Here's our artistic intrpretation of it..."
Intro to Angel Dust Felt Forum NY 9 Dec 1986 (need help w/transcription)
BS: "The right _____ for this song that cuz we ripped off doing records. But he's a personal friend of mine. Who's fucking
[probably talking about the muezzin samples for this song taken from Byrne/Eno MyLifeInTheBushOf_Ghosts]
Intro to Denial Tower Ballroom Birmingham 09 May 83
BS: "Good evening, punters. Hope y'all are enjoying yourselves." This is a p____ ___ ___ tune. It's called...I don't know what it's called actually."
Intro to Confusion Paradise Garage NY 07 Jul 83
BS: "I want all of you singing along for this one, all you Funhouse bastards."
(background, one of the roadies..."Ready?"...another roadie..."No")
BS: "Sorry to keep you waiting, we're just waiting for the sequencer to load up. We're not sorry really, I don't give a shit at all. I don't, anyway."
Intro to Ceremony Paradise Garage NY 07 Jul 83
BS: "Seldom...seldom have I ever met an audience more lethargic that we are...very quiet here in New York, aye. Aren't we all Joy Division fans? Sussed you out, eh? (audience member yells "Don't forget we're gonna get you!!!)
Blue Monday altered lyrics Paradise Garage NY 07 Jul 83
How does it it feel, to be treated in front of a cunt like you (getting back at some front row heckler, it sounds like) ...thought I heard you (falseto) speak...
Intro to Confusion Tower Ballroom Birmingham 09 May 83
PH: "I'm getting paid for it, though..." (cheering) BS: "Okay, this next one involves use of a Sequential Circuits ten thousand note memory sequencer..." Of course it messes up, leaving Bernard mumbling something unintelligable but I suspect not pleasant.
I can't 100% vouch for what I'm hearing, but Bernard's improvising lyrics on Confusion in a confusing fashion...
"Hiding your feelings
You told me you care
But you think the cost
Stop laughing in bed
Your tits are so big
They're meant to be rare[?]
Your nipples are for sucking
[sounds like: 'Tearing my rod', but isn't]"
Intro to Elegia Barrowlands Glasgow 06 Feb 85
BS: "Thanks a lot. We'd like to dedicate this next song to the City of Glasgow."
Intro to Perfect Kiss Barrowlands Glasgow 06 Feb 85
BS: "Think it is, anyway, is it? Yes it is.
(they were having technical difficulties, resulting in the following unusual sequence to start out, done to beat)
"Just takes us a long time to get going. A very long time.
Very very very long time.
Called a Perfect Kiss
Takes a long time to get going, doesn't it? Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Doesn't start like this on the record.
It starts very different to this on the record. Hurry up!
Hurry up!
Fucking hurry up!
Hurry up!
Hurry up!
It's starting now."
After the song finishes us, Bernard smartly notes:
"It sounds a bit like that."
Intro to Age of Consent Barrowlands Glasgow 06 Feb 85
PH: "You may ask yourself what could possibly go wrong? No..."
(terrible bass racket)
"That."
NO come back on stage for encore...(Ceremony) Barrowlands Glasgow 06 Feb 85
BS: "Eh...we left our drinks on stage, so we had to come back on. Ahahaha. Hear about the Ethopian prostitute? She had more men than hot dinners."
1963 alternative lyrics
I don't care if you got a big dick
Ah Johnny won't you hear me Johnny won't you hear me?
23 MAR 83 State Ballroom - Liverpool England
BS: "You tell us what to play and we *won't* play it"
Intro to Bizarre Love Triangle - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: "Shut your fookin' gobs, as Bernard Manning would say, 'At wo here an me'(?)
PH: "Yo"
BS: "Okay, I'm ready"
"Wisdom of a cunt will set you free"
Intro to This Time of Night - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: "Understand we haven't played here in Cambridge in 6 years." (adopts fake Oxbridge accent)
"Y'all so wonderful ah y'all"
Intro to Shellshock - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: "This is a very, very, very, very, very new song, it's called Shellshock, and it's our new song. A lot of people say we can't play, but some of us know better, don't we?"
Intro to Ceremony - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: "Well, what a tame audience we have. What a bunch of boring cunts here. (probably responding to audience taunting) Boring melodic(?). You know you want to.
BS: (mutters) "What's the next song" PH: "Ceremony" (cough)
PH: "Don't give a fuck [for us I see]?"
BS: "No problem, we don't care."
Intro to Sunrise - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: (to stage crew) "I don't. Have you got a cord for this?" to taunter) "Shut up, you bastard...(bass riff starts)... No, that was a compliment."
Intro to Face Up - 27 MAR 86 Apollo Theatre Oxford
BS: "(unintelligible)the connection for this flute. Few lights when I'm playing on the Casio I'm playing, not like it counts in the state tonight I'm in..."
PH: "Don't seem to be another after that, eh. Fucking A. You lucky bastards."
(after song finishes...)
PH: "We might have [dodged death?] as well as that"
Intro to Ceremony - 27 JUN 83 The Commodore Vancouver Canada
BS: "...This is a very old song, it's called 'The Day The Road Crew Got A Jump'...."
BS: "I like him over there, he's one bloke who needs a jump!"
PH: "Take a bow, take a bow, mate."
Lyrics to Lonesome Tonight - 6 DEC 85 Polytechnic of Central London
BS: "When you reached out in your sleep, and you felt my big fat cock"
Also said at the gig...
BS: "People are getting crushed, please step back. Actually, I don't give a fuck really, but it sounds good to say that."
Lyrics to Love Vigilantes - 15 OCT 85 University of London
Here's a great stanza for the ages:
"When I walked through the door, my wife she laid upon the floor She was sucking cocks, that whore, and here I lie. I said you dirty bastard, what are you doing on the floor? 'Sucking big fat cocks all fucking day long.'"
Lyrics to Solitude/Skullcrusher - 17 MAY 84 Paradiso Amsterdam
Another great couplet, and why the scariest job on earth is doing New Order's sound:
You saw your arms touch my thighs
Turn the phone back like it was at the soundcheck! Turn the guitar up and turn the vocals up too! Oh I have never met a cunt like you!
Said somewhere during 19 AUG 85 - Henry Kaiser Center - Oakland CA
(from GeoBest via Ceremony list)
My favorite banter is Oakland Aug '85, such as "for the little shit who spit on us from the front, come backstage after..."
Outro to Your Silent Face - 03 AUG 91 Gorge Amphitheatre Seattle
BS: "Thank you very much. It's great to be back in America again. Get some sunshine. Take some drugs!"
Outro to Touched By The Hand Of God - 03 AUG 91 Gorge Amphitheatre Seattle
BS: "Absolutely beautiful place you got here at Vista Point...it's a real pleasure to be here. We're in Seattle."
Billy Corgan laughs.
BS: "It's not a question, is it?"
During Ceremony - 18 APR 83 Rosehill Hotel Kilkenny, Ireland
BS: "Thank you. Thanks very much. So pleased to see you all. I'm so pleased you like Ceremony. [Bernard raises voice] I'm so pleased you like Temptation. (somebody shouts their affermation) I'm so pleased you like Blue Monday. (yeah) Straight from Top Of The Pops, we have New Order! On my left, we have Peter Hook. On my right, we have Gillian Gilbert. Behind me, we have Ian Curtis."
Intro to Blue Monday - 12 NOV 01 Olympia - Paris
BS: "It's a fucking Blue Monday. I dread the day we ever fucking wrote it. Played it five thousand times. I never liked it in the first fucking place (at this point, Bernard is breaking down in giggles)... no, it's fantastic." (the concert was played on a Monday)
Intro to Face Up - 14 FEB 87 Seline's - Sydney, Australia
BS: "Thank you very much. I'd try to think of something witty to say, but I'm not very witty, unfortunately."
Outro to Subculture - 12 AUG 85 McAllister Auditorium - New Orleans
BS: "Thank you very much. As Divine said, 'I've had more people in bed than there is in this room tonight'....but not quite as much feedback."
Face Up - 19 MAR 84 Caesar's Palace - Bradford
BS: "I prefer fur hats to hairy twats, but your hairy twat is like a fur hat"
Mr Disco - 27 APR 89 Universal Ampitheatre - Universal City, CA
BS: "I know the [sounds like: lighted door], I just heard that Gene Loves Jezebel had broken up. That makes me very happy."
Sunrise - 25 JAN 86 SFX Center - Dublin, Ireland
BS: "Thank you very much. This next song is our last song, it's called Sunrise. (cheers) It's all about nothing. It's a catchy title and a catchy tune, but it doesn't really mean anything. Guess that's like the story of my life. And yours as well."
586 - 14 APR 83 Tiffany's - Glasgow, Scotland
BS: "Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug."
Temptation - 27 JAN 85 Tiffany's - Leeds
BS: "See, we've played that one so much that we can play it."
Let's lay of the sauce ok? Good.