Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
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Joke.
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My son told me this joke:-
"What have a poof and a cooker got in common? They are both turned on by knobs!".
My mother stays on the top floor of a block of flats. One day standing with my sister the lift was taking an interminable time to arrive: She turned and said: "For Fuck Sake! I Come Quicker Than This Thing Does."
Had me in stitches.
Alanf wrote: Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
sorry al but thats a shite joke really.erm minx,jesus,what the fuck are you on about 
As you pointed out:
banshee wrote:
sorry al but thats a shite joke
My son's excuse is he was only about 11 when he told the "knob" one.
i think the fact that i named you minx instead of mimx shows i had downed a few 
if i took it seriously i aint got a clue why 
banshee wrote: i think the fact that i named you minx instead of mimx shows i had downed a few
That's why I changed my name to red writing.
As for "if i took it seriously i aint got a clue why" don't worry about it. I often think the same thing on here...
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough,there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
I was walking through Glasgow the other day with a couple of me Irish mates* when I was knocked down! "Quick Paddy" I said "Call me an ambulance." and Paddy started shouting: "Malcolm's an ambulance! Malcolm's an ambulance!"
So I turned to mick and said; "Mick support my head." "Malcolm's Head! Malcolm's Head!" he yelled while clapping!
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
(*apologies to the good Doctor, Jake Burns, etc etc and about a hundred writers.)
What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What's red and sits on walls? Humpty Dumpty's fire engine.
What's green and sticks to walls? Casper the friendly grog!
How do you know if you've had elephants in your fridge? Footprints in the butter!
What's white and swings through the jungle? A Fridge!
What's blue and white and swings through the jungle? A Fridge in a denim jacket!
What do elephants come in? Buckets!
How do Elephants camouflage themselves? Paint their balls pink and sit in cherry trees!
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffe's eating cherries!
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
[black]Or else you'll be subjected to a lot more of these.[/black]
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
Gazman wrote:
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
How about: the night's dinner, or venison!
But wit if it's hiving it's period, is legless and eyeless?
Still nae bloody idea!
MIMX wrote:
Gazman wrote:
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
How about: the night's dinner, or venison!
But wit if it's hiving it's period, is legless and eyeless?
Still nae bloody idea!
tut,tut,you need some young dear
i find humor in observing everyday life and planning ways to take over someone else's brain.no joke.
well maybe...
Animadversion wrote: i find humor in observing everyday life and planning ways to take over someone else's brain.no joke.
well maybe...
I went into the local pet shop today and asked for tropical fish.the owner said do you want an aquarium? i said i dont care when it was fooking born!
EdelBrock wrote:
johnny wrote: dunno mate
That is just disturbing
JAAAMMM JAAMMMMMMMM JAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
JAAAMMM JAAMMMMMMMMJAAMMMMMM JAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
eh up it won't play
try this
JAAAMMMMM JAAAAAAMMM JAAAAAMMMM
Oh alright then paste the bugger http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9aX4MH2hbQ
banshee wrote: I went into the local pet shop today and asked for tropical fish.the owner said do you want an aquarium? i said i dont care when it was fooking born!
I went into my local pet shop and said: "Can I Have A Pet Wasp Please?" The Little Assistant Looked At Me And said: "I'm Sorry Sir We Don't Stock Wasps!" So I said: "Well You've Plenty In The Window!"
I Was In London Last Week & I asked I woman For Directions. She Said: "Do You Know The Battersea Dog's Home?" I Said: "I Never Knew It Had Been Away!"
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly!**
This chap started talking to me about this and that. About which I know very little!**
More Gems From "The Tall Droll"
Mr Chick Murray.
But...
Don't Say You Weren't Warned!...
MIMX wrote:
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
&
MIMX wrote: [black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
[black]Or else you'll be subjected to a lot more of these.[/black]
But since the festive spirit is upon me... Before I start on the Really Bad Jokes....
MIMX wrote:
Don't Say You Weren't Warned!...
A dog wearing a holster and a pair of six-shooters walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the low down dirty dog that shot ma paw!"
A White Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a whisky. The barman says: "You know there's a whisky named after you don't you?" The horse replies: "Who would have thought it? A whisky named Hamish!"
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
MIMX wrote:
Don't Say You Weren't Warned!...
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
A blonde and a brunette are having a walk in the countryside. Suddendly, the blonde says : "Oh, regarde, des chevals !
- N'importe quoi, tu vois bien que ce sont des chevaux !
- Ah bon ? J'aurais pourtant juré que c'était des chevals..."
Note that in French : Horse = Cheval Horses = Chevaux (and not Chevals)
A few years ago, a lot of jokes began with "your mother is so stupid that..."
Here is my favourite :
Your mother is so stupid that she believes that menopause is a video-recorder function.
Chris you bloody swine; resurrecting this fucker of a thread yet again (even if it was a funny wee story right enough.)
I'm a year older than you and I don't remember Abbot and Costello, so how the fuck do you?
Seen them? Yes; But remember them? No way.
Anyway. You lot were warned, repeatedly. So out come the shit jokes:
What's black and white and goes up and down, and up and down? A nun stuck in a lift. What's black, white and red and goes up and down, and up and down? A nun stuck in a lift with a javelin through her head.
A right sick one...
A guy's out walking near the white cliffs of Dover one day. He sees a girl near the cliff edge sitting in a wheelchair crying. "Whats wrong dear?" he asks her. "I'm nineteen years old and I've never been kissed, so I'm going to end it all" she answers. He takes another look at her and sure enough she's pig ugly. But he swallows his disgust and kisses her right on the lips! "There is that better?" he asks. But she's still crying, and says "Thank you. That was very nice, but I'm nineteen and I've never been fucked."
So the guy gently lifts her, lays her down on the grass, throws her wheelchair over the cliff, and says "That's you fucked now!"
Jiphy, you swine! You traitor! The "Auld Alliance" is off; posting here too!
And while you are always moaning about your poor English, it's a million per cent better than my French, so...
Jiphy wrote: A blonde and a brunette are having a walk in the countryside. Suddendly, the blonde says : "Oh, regarde, des chevals !
- N'importe quoi, tu vois bien que ce sont des chevaux !
- Ah bon ? J'aurais pourtant juré que c'était des chevals..." Note that in French : Horse = Cheval Horses = Chevaux (and not Chevals)
...was totally lost on me (not your fault mate, my ignorance is due to a second rate Education system in a country that was once famed for it's Educational institutions).
But "Your mother is so stupid that she believes that menopause is a video-recorder function." is a cracker.
One of my Uncles used to insist his wife wasn't the brightest lady on the planet.
He said they were watching a second world war film one night but she went to her bed before it ended.
He said in the morning, she asked: "Who won?"
Man and woman lying in bed,and its 4:30 am, when theres a knock at the door, "go and see who it is " says the wife
"its 4 fuckin 30 in the morn,fuck off" he replies
"go,it might be important" she says
So the man,puts on his dressing gown and goes down to answer the door,when he gets there,he opens the door to find a wee old man standing there,
"Whit dae ye want?do ye know its 4:30?"
"I need a push" says the old man
"A push!" says the man "away and raffle yersel" and slams the door.
"Who was it?" his wife asks when he gets back to the bedroom
"Some old man looking for a push,i told him to beat it"
His wife looks at him disgusted,"That could be yours or my dad one night,away and help him push his car"
So now,feeling guilty,the man sticks on his denims and top, goes down and opens his door and shouts out,
"the wee old guy looking for a push,where are ye?"
"Im over here" comes the reply..
"On the swings"
MIMX wrote:
And while you are always moaning about your poor English, it's a million per cent better than my French, so...
I am a traitor, indeed. You know a few words of French, I do not know a single word of Scottish gael(ic?).
And about the fact I am always moaning, it proves that I am a real Frenchman. And do not say that some people moan more than the French or I will moan more... or at least like... an American girl who complained on this site (during a trip in Europe) that we were (we, the non-native English speakers Europeans) a bunch of poshes who speak a very bad English with outrrageous accents, something very offending to her.
An English friend of mine sent me this one a few weeks ago.
American scientists made a clone with the DNA of Mickael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They called it Mickael Wasanigger.
Jiphy wrote: an American girl who complained on this site (during a trip in Europe) that we were (we, the non-native English speakers Europeans) a bunch of poshes who speak a very bad English with outrrageous accents, something very offending to her.
Yeah what is up with all them accents you guys got? Can't you learn proper engerlish??? Why learn french when there's a proper language around???
EdelBrock wrote: Yeah what is up with all them accents you guys got? Can't you learn proper engerlish??? Why learn french when there's a proper language around???
Because centuries before America was found, this language was already spoken here... But I like your sense of humour knowing that the USA do not have its proper language, Engerlish not being yours...
Jiphy wrote:
I am a traitor, indeed. You know a few words of French, I do not know a single word of Scottish gael(ic?).
And about the fact I am always moaning, it proves that I am a real Frenchman. And do not say that some people moan more than the French or I will moan more... or at least like... an American girl who complained on this site (during a trip in Europe) that we were (we, the non-native English speakers Europeans) a bunch of poshes who speak a very bad English with outrrageous accents, something very offending to her.
"You know a few words of French" 
Cheers mate thanks for the flattery; "La table", "La porte" (and if it wasn't for "Babelfish" they would've been spelt wrong.)
As for Gaelic mate, I'm a lowland Scot.
Scottish is my mother tongue; specifically Glaswegian yeah fanny!
Fucking Gaelic wit wid a' want ta cry that fir?
(Fucking Gaelic why would I want to speak that?)
And don't talk to me about moaning, it's been fucking snowing here all day again. FuckingBastardingCuntyFuckFuck!
And as for daft young American girls: I saw one on You Tube arguing with a young Turkish lad.
She said to him: "Your country has never done anything. Ours is a superpower!"
Added Edited PS before another Scot digs me up. The largest proportion of Gaelic speakers in Scotland live in Glasgow. But that's due to the Highland clearances and population drift (the pull of work), it was never the language of the lowlands, or the sole language of Scotland. (Fuck sake Malcolm tells us another that was hilarious.)
MIMX wrote:
Et tu Gaz!? :(
As Ina said to Navid,many months
before Debbie said to Frank..
"et tu?...Ive never ate two of anythin in my life"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?...
..Bob
Two gas meter readers, are out checking meters. They park their van at the end of the street and work their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looks out her kitchen window watching the two men as they check her meter. They read the meter and one says to the other. "Race you back to the van!" They race up to the van, but they turn round and the woman from the house is huffing and puffing right behind them.
They ask her what's wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replies, "If you saw two gas men running as hard as you two, you'd bolt too!"
Well I did say the shit jokes would be coming out! 
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? Five - one to hold the bulb up and four to turn the room round. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? As many as it takes until one realises that it's turned off.
A squad of American soldiers are patrolling a road on the Iraqi border, they come across a badly mangled dead Iraqi soldier. A short distance away, they find a badly mangled American soldier, struggling to breathe. They run to him, cradle his head and ask: "what happened?" "Well," he whispers, "I'm walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I come across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I look him right in the eye and shout, 'Saddam Hussein was a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of shit!'" "He looks me right in the eye and shouts back, "George Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of shit too!'" "We're standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
An American tourist is walking along a London street on a windy day, when he notices a beautiful woman walking towards him. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows her dress up, to reveal that she's knicker-less. The American, trying to sound as English as possible, says to the woman: "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?" The woman scowls and says: "What the fuck do you expect, feathers?"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to fifty percent off when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was fast becoming her best shopping day ever. She decided to visit a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The female doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just kidding. He's dead. What'd you buy?"
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift on a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boats provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria bitter mate. The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the sea turned into the hard earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, 'Nice going, idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat.'
The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Society sing Christmas Carols:
'Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Two rather dumb Aussie girls walk up to the perfume counter, and pick up a sample bottle.
Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite nice, innit, don't ya think Cheryl?"
"Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi." "VIENS A MOI, what the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".
Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"
Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car and neither of the could see over the dashboard properly. As they were cruising along they came to a crossroads. The traffic lights were red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just jumped a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another crossroads and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next junction to see what was going on.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was definitely red, but they just sailed through again.
She turned to the other elderly lady and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Bruce comes home, with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom, where his wife is in bed reading. "Here's the pig I have sex with when you have a headache, darling", he said. His wife looks up and says, "I think you mean 'sheep' you idiot." He looks at her and replies, "I wasn't talking to you Sheila."
The next day, Sheila stops by unannounced at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in. She's shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the Daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
Sheila left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for Bruce to arrive home from work. Finally, he arrived. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, Sheila. What's for dinner?
THE GRIEVANCE
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.!
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Thank you,
Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
Buggery fuck! First I interrupt Chris's flow of funny jokes and stories, then my fucking heater breaks down, and right now it's like this outside my home...
...and the only thing keeping me [orange]warm[/orange], in this freezing fucking ice-age [black]hole[/black] of a place was the exercise I was getting "rofling(!?)".
Fuck looks like I'll gist have to crawl under the covers for a ham-shank now! 
Edit: Or just post quicker.
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, still chuckling, he announced, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist."
It was at that point that the proctologist fainted.
Q: What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him with a smile. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't scream "arsehole" afterwards.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "On your way, "ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.
"Oh, good grief!" yelled Ethel. "Not that sodding Breathalyser Test again!!!"
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
“Oh, well in that case, I suppose it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, but he's with BUPA."
How to piss off football fans:
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Man Utd fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the Man Utd fan - twice.
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.
Q: Why do English footballers make better lovers than the French or Germans? A: Because the English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the FA. The chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."
Q. What's the difference between a Newcastle fan and a jet engine? A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Chelsea fan on the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. If you see an Everton fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A. It could be your bicycle.
One for Cambo:
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the general public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that blonde waitress a simple maths question. If she gets it right, I'll pay for dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the gent's, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty quid in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the toilet and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started, "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, looked at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few feet away, looked back at the two men, and muttered: "...plus a constant."
For several years, an Italian man was having an affair with an English woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to England to secretly have the child. If she stayed in England to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply send him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Darling,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, a semen sample and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, A SEMEN SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "The doctor wants your underpants!"
Chris Nash wrote: Sorry, I can't sleep, I don't feel well and I needed cheering up.
Sorry to hear that Chris Hope the insomnia lessens, and you feel better soon. You've certainly cheered me up, for one. But for once I think I'll get to sleep OK, so I'm offski to my nice [orange]WARM[/orange] bed, before the cold claims my toes. If I'm a bad bastard for the rest of my life, I might just get my heaven... [orange]a hot fire in hell. [/orange]
[orange]Ah bliss![/orange]
