Joke.

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, still chuckling, he announced, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist."

It was at that point that the proctologist fainted.

Q: What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him with a smile. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't scream "arsehole" afterwards.

Sorry, I can't sleep, I don't feel well and I needed cheering up.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "On your way, "ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief!" yelled Ethel. "Not that sodding Breathalyser Test again!!!"

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I suppose it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, but he's with BUPA."

How to piss off football fans:

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Man Utd fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the Man Utd fan - twice.

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: Why do English footballers make better lovers than the French or Germans? A: Because the English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the FA. The chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."

Q. What's the difference between a Newcastle fan and a jet engine? A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Chelsea fan on the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. If you see an Everton fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A. It could be your bicycle.

One for Cambo:

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the general public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that blonde waitress a simple maths question. If she gets it right, I'll pay for dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the gent's, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty quid in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the toilet and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started, "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, looked at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few feet away, looked back at the two men, and muttered: "...plus a constant."

For several years, an Italian man was having an affair with an English woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to England to secretly have the child. If she stayed in England to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply send him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Darling,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, a semen sample and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, A SEMEN SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "The doctor wants your underpants!"