Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
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Joke.
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My son told me this joke:-
"What have a poof and a cooker got in common? They are both turned on by knobs!".
My mother stays on the top floor of a block of flats. One day standing with my sister the lift was taking an interminable time to arrive: She turned and said: "For Fuck Sake! I Come Quicker Than This Thing Does."
Had me in stitches.
Alanf wrote: Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
sorry al but thats a shite joke really.erm minx,jesus,what the fuck are you on about 
As you pointed out:
banshee wrote:
sorry al but thats a shite joke
My son's excuse is he was only about 11 when he told the "knob" one.
i think the fact that i named you minx instead of mimx shows i had downed a few 
if i took it seriously i aint got a clue why 
banshee wrote: i think the fact that i named you minx instead of mimx shows i had downed a few
That's why I changed my name to red writing.
As for "if i took it seriously i aint got a clue why" don't worry about it. I often think the same thing on here...
I'm Outta here.
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough,there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
I was walking through Glasgow the other day with a couple of me Irish mates* when I was knocked down! "Quick Paddy" I said "Call me an ambulance." and Paddy started shouting: "Malcolm's an ambulance! Malcolm's an ambulance!"
So I turned to mick and said; "Mick support my head." "Malcolm's Head! Malcolm's Head!" he yelled while clapping!
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
(*apologies to the good Doctor, Jake Burns, etc etc and about a hundred writers.)
What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What's red and sits on walls? Humpty Dumpty's fire engine.
What's green and sticks to walls? Casper the friendly grog!
How do you know if you've had elephants in your fridge? Footprints in the butter!
What's white and swings through the jungle? A Fridge!
What's blue and white and swings through the jungle? A Fridge in a denim jacket!
What do elephants come in? Buckets!
How do Elephants camouflage themselves? Paint their balls pink and sit in cherry trees!
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffe's eating cherries!
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
[black]Or else you'll be subjected to a lot more of these.[/black]
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
Gazman wrote:
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
How about: the night's dinner, or venison!
But wit if it's hiving it's period, is legless and eyeless?
Still nae bloody idea!
MIMX wrote:
Gazman wrote:
MIMX wrote: What do you call a blind deer? No idea!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea!
How about: the night's dinner, or venison!
But wit if it's hiving it's period, is legless and eyeless?
Still nae bloody idea!
tut,tut,you need some young dear
i find humor in observing everyday life and planning ways to take over someone else's brain.no joke.
well maybe...
Animadversion wrote: i find humor in observing everyday life and planning ways to take over someone else's brain.no joke.
well maybe...
I went into the local pet shop today and asked for tropical fish.the owner said do you want an aquarium? i said i dont care when it was fooking born!
EdelBrock wrote:
johnny wrote: dunno mate
That is just disturbing
JAAAMMM JAAMMMMMMMM JAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
JAAAMMM JAAMMMMMMMMJAAMMMMMM JAAMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
eh up it won't play
try this
JAAAMMMMM JAAAAAAMMM JAAAAAMMMM
Oh alright then paste the bugger http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9aX4MH2hbQ
banshee wrote: I went into the local pet shop today and asked for tropical fish.the owner said do you want an aquarium? i said i dont care when it was fooking born!
I went into my local pet shop and said: "Can I Have A Pet Wasp Please?" The Little Assistant Looked At Me And said: "I'm Sorry Sir We Don't Stock Wasps!" So I said: "Well You've Plenty In The Window!"
I Was In London Last Week & I asked I woman For Directions. She Said: "Do You Know The Battersea Dog's Home?" I Said: "I Never Knew It Had Been Away!"
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly!**
This chap started talking to me about this and that. About which I know very little!**
More Gems From "The Tall Droll"
Mr Chick Murray.
But...
Don't Say You Weren't Warned!...
MIMX wrote:
[black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
&
MIMX wrote: [black]Now please let this thread die a quiet and unmourned death; 'cause I've already had to heavily edit it.[/black]
[black]Or else you'll be subjected to a lot more of these.[/black]
But since the festive spirit is upon me... Before I start on the Really Bad Jokes....
