Great Lost Factory Products of Our Time
FAC 285 – The Shambolic Stage Entrance
The DJ is still playing tracks. You are in the process of loading up on beer and deciding where you should stand. A buzzing guitar lead alerts you to the fact that the band have just ambled onto the stage. Even the DJ is not ready and hurriedly turns down his tunes. They strike into the first chords without saying a word.
See: Every Factory act ever, except for New Order after 1986
FAC 285b The Shambolic Stage Exit
The band’s only well-know record is hitting its climax. You are dancing and finally getting into it. Suddenly is is apparent that the band are slipping away one by one. The crowd, and you, are totally unaware what is happening until the drummer gets up, has a big drink of water and stumble off sideways. There is nobody left. A sequencer continues a pulsating riff. A roadie gets onstage and turns it off. Silence. Errr, I think its over.
Every Factory act ever, including New Order.
FAC 199 The Crap a-side / Brilliant b side
You put on your brand new, beautifully packed 7 inch Factory single by a band whose album you loved. There is a huge dirge of weird synth washes. The vocal is recognisable as the bad but the music is I weird, half baked attempt at pop music, but with a lyric about dancing. You play it again to see if it will grow. It sounds worse. You try again. Nope. Finally you decide that your band is terrible and have lost it. You absent-mindedly put on the b-side. It sends chills down your spine. It is, quite simply the best record you have ever heard.
See ACR, James, Section 25
FAC 34 The Andrew Berry Haircut
You have a side parting. You leave your hair wispy. You shave the entire sides and back of your hair until you look like a wartime schoolboy with lice.
See every Factory act bar The Durutti Column, 1982-86
FAC 85 The Early 80s Drug Cocktail
You start the night with a few spliffs of Moroccan Black. You hit the Hacienda and start drinking cans of “Breaker”. Your mate turns up and gives you a tab of Acid. You scoff it and an hour later things are getting weird. Then, you remember the mouldy gram of speed you have left over from last week. All night you dab speed, then end up sitting up until 8am in your mates flat in Didsbury smoking hash and listening to The Durutti Column.
See every Factory band and fan, 1978-1988
FAC 126 The Wasted Groundbreaker
Your band make a record which sounds like the future of music. It takes the current music scene and moves it into a new dimension, using modern technology and nodding to past masters. It comes out on promo and all the credible clubs start playing it to a rapturous reception. You put it out on 7 inch only with a cover made of red plastic with no reference to the band or tune on it. Even the sticker on the vinyl is blank. You do not promote it and it is only available in a few places. It sells 247 copies.
See Section 25, Quando Quango, ACR
FAC 49 The Disgruntled Joy Division Fan
Has stood, in dwindling numbers, at the back of New Order gigs since they formed. Wears a raincoat, has died black hair, black jeans and an Unknown Pleasures t-shirt. Was furious when New Order started making “Disco” music in 1983. Scowls through the gig and shouts “Warsaw”, "New Dawn Fades" or “Fucking Pop Shit” between songs. From comprising 60% of the audience in 1981, numbers down to just 2 in Blackpool. They both nearly fainted when "novelty" was played, then decided it was sacrilige.
See the bar at every New Order gig 1981 - now
Anyone know any more?
