Joke Time......Off Topic

All right, everyone, stand back. This could be dangerous. And beforehand, my apologies to my mother. I am proud of my Scottish heritage!

An English pub is busy on a Friday night, with lots of people talking, drinking, and dancing after a hard week's work. Suddenly a three hundred pound, six foot nine Scot bursts in. He's got the full regalia on, kilt, dirk, bagpipes around his shoulder, and , of course, a plate of haggis in his hand. Everyone in the bar gets quiet and the Scot bellows, "I'm a big tough Scot, and I've come tae shag an English woman!" With that he picks up one of the ladies at the bar, puts her over his shoulder, and leaves as rapidly as he came in. The next night the same thing happens. The Scot bursts in,"I'm a big tough Scot, and I've come tae shag an English woman!", grabs another woman, and out the door. So this happens for the next two or three nights and the bar patrons are bewildered, or at least as they can be, being soused to the gills. So finally, on Thursday when the big Scot comes in and takes another young lady, a little accountant staggers over to the Scotsman and gestures to him so that he can whisper something in the bigman's ear. The giant bends down and the accountant whispers, "I don't blame you, I wouldn't touch a Scottish woman either."

O.K., this is the part where you laugh and I get applause.

Or not. . .

Originally posted by ShugZV Paddy & Murphy sat at home watching Mastermind"This is a piece of piss Paddy""Aye" says Murphy "Why don't we enter?"Couple of weeks go by and the boys have heard nothing, then the next day the results arrive through the post....Paddy has been accepted, but Murphy hasn't...."Ah well, I'll come and cheer you on anyway Paddy"The big day arrives, Paddy takes his place in the famous black chair..."And your name is?" says Magnus"Paddy""And your specialised subject?""Irish Republican Terrorism 1865 to the present day""OK" says Magnus"You have a minute starting from now, Which British Prime Minister was attemptedly assassinated in Brighton in 1985?""Pass" says Paddy"How many ounces of semtex does it take to make the average bomb used by the IRA?""Pass"Which member of the Royal Family was gunned down in 1978?""Pass""Which year in the 20th Century did the uprising start""Pass" says Paddy again....."Well I'm sorry Paddy, but yer minutes up, and you've managed to score no points"Murphy shouts out from the studio audience"Well done Paddy, don't tell them English Bastards anything"

Oh. Right. Am I supposed to laugh or split my sides or something?

Stick to drinking mate - you know you can never disappoint in that league! ;)

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.

Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.

One of the Scallies says to the other:

There - that's the one I'd get!!

Suddenly Cyclops came out of the shop and beat the fucking crap out of him.

Originally posted by Oh Look! There Goes The Laughing Martian Again!! **Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.One of the Scallies says to the other:There - that's the one I'd get!!Suddenly Cyclops came out of the shop and beat the fucking crap out of him.

That took me a little while, the language difference and all.:) And could someone please explain that two lesbians and soap one. I don't get it!

two cannibals are sitting around eating dinner one night. after chewing thoughtfully and making various inscrutable faces, one turns to the other and says, "You know, i really can't stand my mother-in-law."

the other rolls his eyes and says, "Well, then why don't you just eat the noodles?"

Yowsa!

Here's another one for you Janaki......

Karen James is a caring decent considerate and level-headed member of the community. She does humanity proud.....

now that is the single most ridiculous (and therefore hilarious) thing i've heard all day! :D

How do you spot the blind man in the nudist colony?

It's not hard:D

Originally posted by And You Will Know Me By the Fs I get on my Finals > Originally posted by Oh Look! There Goes The Laughing Martian Again!!> Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.> > One of the Scallies says to the other:> > There - that's the one I'd get!!> > >

That took me a little while, the language difference and all.:) And could someone please explain that two lesbians and soap one. I don't get it!

Ok- the joke was 'Where's the soap?' 'yes it does doesn't it'. Replace 'where's' with 'wears'. Geddit?

Originally posted by Bomb the Past > Originally posted by And You Will Know Me By the Fs I get on my Finals> > > > Originally posted by Oh Look! There Goes The Laughing Martian Again!!> > Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.> > > > One of the Scallies says to the other:> > > > There - that's the one I'd get!!> > > > > > >

That took me a little while, the language difference and all.:) And could someone please explain that two lesbians and soap one. I don't get it!

Ok- the joke was 'Where's the soap?' 'yes it does doesn't it'. Replace 'where's' with 'wears'. Geddit?

Kind of, but then I'm pretty dumb. If I do get it, I think that I shouldn't be asking any more questions or we could get in trouble with Spotty.

me :stupid:

Here is a really bad one. I can put this up since I am blonde!

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Baddaching!

Originally posted by -I:D- why did the chicken cross the road?Why did the chicken cross the Garvachy Road?Because his fathers and forefathers did.because it was in the way!

Originally posted by Bomb the Past > Originally posted by And You Will Know Me By the Fs I get on my Finals> > > > Originally posted by Oh Look! There Goes The Laughing Martian Again!!> > Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.> > > > One of the Scallies says to the other:> > > > There - that's the one I'd get!!> > > > > > >

That took me a little while, the language difference and all.:) And could someone please explain that two lesbians and soap one. I don't get it!

Ok- the joke was 'Where's the soap?' 'yes it does doesn't it'. Replace 'where's' with 'wears'. Geddit?

Damn! I NEVER tell any one the answer to that joke (because it took me four years to get the answer from my dad in the first place.)

Originally posted by Fac21 > Originally posted by Bomb the Past> > > > Originally posted by And You Will Know Me By the Fs I get on my Finals> > > > > > > Originally posted by Oh Look! There Goes The Laughing Martian Again!!> > > Two Manchester Scallies were window shopping and stopped outside a sports shop.> > > > > > One of the Scallies says to the other:> > > > > > There - that's the one I'd get!!> > > > > > > > > > > >

That took me a little while, the language difference and all.:) And could someone please explain that two lesbians and soap one. I don't get it!

Ok- the joke was 'Where's the soap?' 'yes it does doesn't it'. Replace 'where's' with 'wears'. Geddit?

Damn! I NEVER tell any one the answer to that joke (because it took me four years to get the answer from my dad in the first place.)

Don't feel bad, Fac. I stll don't really get it. I had figured out it had something to do with the play on words but there's a visualization or connection I'm missing or something. But I wish my dad told jokes like that.

OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!! SHE'S MASTURBATING WITH THE SOAP! HENCE IT "WEARS".

Next you'll be telling me that you don't understand the one about the architect that had his house made backwards so that he could watch TV.

Originally posted by Old Blue OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!! SHE'S MASTURBATING WITH THE SOAP! HENCE IT "WEARS".Next you'll be telling me that you don't understand the one about the architect that had his house made backwards so that he could watch TV.

I'm sorry,Blue, it looks as if I've caused you physical pain. I think it's the term "wears" that gets me. Is that some expression for touching yourself in naughty places? the language barrier yet again? I swear I'm pretty sure I'm almost positive I'm not stupid.

But what's all this about a house made backwards? :) No, really I don't get it! But I'll keep the questions to myself and sit quietly.

The only pain I feel is yours, Iain, that such a fine example of humour has been lost.

I forget who it was that did the Open University-esque sketch about analysing humour....but let's give it a try.

There are two nuns in the bath.

One says "Where's the soap?"

The other one says "Yes it does, doesn't it"

NOW : the reason she says "yes it does, doesn't it" is because, as I mentioned earlier, she is indulging in a bit of self-love action and using the soap as an aid to her gratification. Indeed, the soap is receiving quite a pounding, and is wearing away as a result. She thinks that the other nun is doing exactly the same, and simply agrees when she hears the other nun say "wears the soap".

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the mad mystic of Petrograd Well...I guess it's time for my lame attempt at joke telling...here goes...three young ladies go out for a night of boozing it up. By the time they all decide to call it a night, they are in sad shape (probably something like the Shugster on his nights out!!!)the next morning at work, they get into a discussion about just how intoxicated they were the night before...the first one says..."I was so drunk, that when I got home, I blew chunks."the second one says..."That's nothing, I was so drunk, that I wrapped my car around the first lightpole I came to, and I don't even have car insurance."third one says..."I was so drunk when I got home, I knocked over a candlestick, and burned down my whole house."the first girl then says..."guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."....but wait...there's another one....a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar...the brunette walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a CL."bartender thinks for a minute...and says..."Sorry miss, I don't know what you mean."the brunette says "CL...Coor Light"bartender says okay...and serves her...redhead walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a BL."bartender says "hmmm bud light?"readhead says..."yeah" and he serves her...blonde walks up to the bar and says "give me a 13"bartender thinks...and thinks...and thinks...and finally says "sorry, I got no idea what you want."the blonde says "duh...a 7&7"...

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Awful.

Originally posted by Old Blue The only pain I feel is yours, Iain, that such a fine example of humour has been lost. I forget who it was that did the Open University-esque sketch about analysing humour....but let's give it a try. There are two nuns in the bath.One says "Where's the soap?"The other one says "Yes it does, doesn't it"NOW : the reason she says "yes it does, doesn't it" is because, as I mentioned earlier, she is indulging in a bit of self-love action and using the soap as an aid to her gratification. Indeed, the soap is receiving quite a pounding, and is wearing away as a result. She thinks that the other nun is doing exactly the same, and simply agrees when she hears the other nun say "wears the soap".

But what about the architect? :lo:

Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the mad mystic of Petrograd > Originally posted by Jim Reilly> > > > Originally posted by Grigori Rasputin, the mad mystic of Petrograd> > Well...I guess it's time for my lame attempt at joke telling...here goes...> > > > three young ladies go out for a night of boozing it up. By the time they all decide to call it a night, they are in sad shape (probably something like the Shugster on his nights out!!!)> > > > the next morning at work, they get into a discussion about just how intoxicated they were the night before...> > > > the first one says..."I was so drunk, that when I got home, I blew chunks."> > > > the second one says..."That's nothing, I was so drunk, that I wrapped my car around the first lightpole I came to, and I don't even have car insurance."> > > > third one says..."I was so drunk when I got home, I knocked over a candlestick, and burned down my whole house."> > > > the first girl then says..."guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."....> > > > > > > > but wait...there's another one....> > > > a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar...> > > > the brunette walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a CL."> > > > bartender thinks for a minute...and says..."Sorry miss, I don't know what you mean."> > > > the brunette says "CL...Coor Light"> > > > bartender says okay...and serves her...> > > > redhead walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a BL."> > > > bartender says "hmmm bud light?"> > > > readhead says..."yeah" and he serves her...> > > > blonde walks up to the bar and says "give me a 13"> > > > bartender thinks...and thinks...and thinks...and finally says "sorry, I got no idea what you want."> > > > the blonde says "duh...a 7&7"...>

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Awful.

awwww....c'mon Jim...I put all that time and effort into typing this up, and this is the best I can get...I am now CRUSHED!!!!!

I sent this joke to a friend and she called me SICK! I personally think you need a standing ovation for that one. I, being a blonde, found much humor in the joke!

Originally posted by ShugZV Just reading Shaun Ryder's column in The Daily Perv......Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour bridge, when he see's his girlfriend Sheila, about to throw herself off. He slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what are you doing?" Sheila turns with a tear in her eye and says "You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill myself"Bruce gets a lump in his throat and says "Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but yer a real sport too" And then drives off

OKay, Shug, This one is baaaaaaaaaddddddddddddd!