Looking for someone to write the biographies...!!!

THE STORY OF NEW ORDER (Part I)

Wonce upon a time, four wee lads spent time on the neighborhood stoope hanging out and harassing old ladys with shopping carts. One of these lads, Stephen, was a sharp one, always banging the lids of the trash cans nearby, howling away when he wanted to break glass windows. He wasn't very sensible. Another of the four lads, a bloke named Ian, was the sensitive, shy type, always with his nose in a book by Camus or Shatner. He would occassionally leave the stoope for a quick bite to eat or to see the usual Iggy Reed or Lou Pop concert down the road. He wasn't right in the head. The other two of the bunch were Petey and Bernie, two hard as hell bastards who could be ripe tits when they chose. Bernie was always sneaking fags off of the local drugstore, while Petey (called Hooky because of an accident involving his wee little pecker in the closing overs of WWII) prefered to brag to the ladies that passed by "I could have you undressed and over by the dumpsters before you say 'Hello, sailor'." They occasionally bickered and argued about who got what, but ususally Bernie's fade haircut made the girls swoon. They wasn't too bright. One day, after Ian had married and Steve had done a tour of duty on a Navy cruiseship in the Bahamas, they returned to find Bernie (now called Barney, after the prehistoric ancestor of stupid school children) and Hooky still on the stoope. "We thought you two went out to take a piss. We've been waiting on yous to return," said Barney, turning purple. "Eh, we did, but then I met a girl, Steve met a sailor, and that was the end of that," Ian replied, going into spasms as a Belgian waffle wobbled by all tarted up. "Fancy starting a band?" asked Hookster, now engaged in a tug-and-war with a persistant booger (which would palgue the rest of his days). "I wanted to go into the tourist trade, really," Barney said, having relieved himself on Hooky. "Nah, I like Hooky's idea. Lets me show off my natural singing ability," the naive Steve proposed. "Who said you could sing, you lazy twat?" Barney said casually as he now took to scraping his excrement on the side of Hooky's festering mullet.

PART II

Now assembled in the lower bowels of Dante's vision of hell (Manchester), Barney (the bit-titted one), Ian (the happy one), Hooky (the alcoholic one) and Steve (the drummer) set about planning to ruin their lives in the pursuit of music. "Any of you heard of the Doors?" Ian inquired. Barney and Hooky looked perplexed, while Steve ran off to the toilet shrieking "where will it end?" "Good, alright. Now, I wrote this song called 'Light My Fire'......" For weeks, the boys got together to practice. By the third week, they realized they needed a manager. By the fifth week, they realized they needed equipment, as all their meetings previously had involved hanging outside the studio smoking and discussing the football scores. Barney purchased a guitar and a fake mustache. Hooky got a bass and a wig to hide his mullet. Ian got a microphone from an old bum and cleaned it thouroughly before using it. Steve bought an Etch-a-Sketch. Now ready to take on the world, they still needed songs. A bluesman from the Mississippi Delta (Bolton) wrote them some tunes about "getting satisfaction" and "ch-ch-ch-changes!", but these all sounded familiar. Ian went back to reading Camus for inspiration, while Barney started reading used-car catalogs, Steve read "Gone With The Wind" (crying at every page), and Hooky read the phone numbers for phone sex at the public toilets. PART III

Now a year into their existence as a band, the Lads decided to bring in a professional manager. What they got instead was Rob "Rhymes with God" Gretton. A former salesman and travelling manger-scene repairer (thus only busy during the Christmas holidays) Gretton was looking for something to fill up his bank account, as he was running low on weed for that week. Gretton found the boys playing in his backyard, and promptly threw rotten eggs and a cat on them. The next day, still carrying the eggs but a different cat (as Hooky had taken home the other for his "personnal pussy"), Gretton warily met the Lads at a bar. After discovering that they had no intention of removing his liver for a science experiment, Rob got so plastered that he helped them put a record out the same day. "A Headline for The Weekly World News" contained four songs, all about Barbara Bach. Having pressed the record, Rob noticed the boys had no name. In a quandry, he decided to aske them the first words that came into their heads, hoping for a magical combination. The responses were as follows--

Barney: "Beer" Hooky: "Wha the f---?" Steve: "Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...." Ian: "Anyone see that Belgian chick that just walked in? I swear she's following me."

Rob now had his name. "Right, it's Joy Division.....oh don't give me that! You fuckers couldn't do any better!" Barney piped up. "What about New Order?" "Right, I'll fix you good, you fade-haired bastard! 'New Order'? Who in their right minds....I suppose you wanna call your first song 'Bleu Monday' or something else daft like that....."

PARTS IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, AND SO ON TO COME LATER.....

THE NEW ORDER STORY

Part IV A New Beginning (oops, wrong film)

As Joy Division, Ian and Barney were to be the lazy twats who never helped load the van, while Steve's bowels were to be in a constant state of turmoil, and Hooky was always too drunk to lift anything besides a pencil. Rob "Rhymes With Gob" Gretton, their new manager, was left to delegate the responsibility of securing equipment to Anton Corbijn, a Dutch photographer of some ill repute, who then delegated it to Peter Saville, a Grateful Dead grouppie with homicidal tendencies towards art designers who eventually decded to "see how the other half lives". Saville was too busy throwing ketchup on Picasso's "Guernica" to be bothered, so he waited until a Tv presentor, Tony "My Cock's bigger than Yours" Wilson, passed by the van. Saville was able to convince Tony to stick around for a fiver, and a record label was born. Wilson, who was fond of cigarettes and women, had wealth beyond his means and had run out of creative ways of spending it. When Gretton inquired who he was ("Fucking tosspot, what're you doing around our van?" were his exact words), Wilson gave him a bottle of Pernod to calm him down, and they spent the rest of the evening smoking joints and planning to release Joy Division's music. Ian, meanwhile, had become attracted to the crowds of women who kept turning up at their concerts. The band kept getting booked into senior citizen homes for women (because Rob thought it was funny), and their sever death rock caught on fast with the suicidal grannies. Barney found himself fending off the panties tossed his way, being covered in excrement as they were adult diapers. Hooky, always a bruiser, took to chasing down any hecklers in an electonic wheelchair (sadly, he was unable to keep up with the hand-pumped ones of the old ladies). Joy Division knew they had arrived when they were able to secure a prestigious gig at the Electric Circus in April 1978. The Electric Circus, run by the sadist Rudolph Hess, had tried to attract customers by electrocuting various types of animals, but with low attendence he was forced to sell to a Scottish conglomerate. Now a 'punk rock gigging place, like', the Circus was pleased to welcome Joy Division to the club, unitl they realized how bad they were. In fact, as the time for the gig approached, the management tried to convince the band that it was all a joke....

Part V The Electric Circus gig was notable for two reasons:

1. Ian, not aware that Tony was the head of Joy Division's record label, decided to call him a 'cunt'. Tony, while taken aback, corected Ian ("No, I'm a 'prick'") and all was forgiven.

2. Barney, who hadn't been in the club since "Waffen SS Night", noticed that Mr. Hess' picture was missing from the wall. "Hey, you all forgot Rudolph Hess!", he said. The crowd, who had truley forgotten who Hess was, felt ashamed for their lack of knowledge.

As the year progressed, Barney was stalked by a swarthy Scot named Shug, who only wanted to "be, like, your best mate, mate". Hooky stuggled to keep his mullet in check, but it swept out from under his wig and grew like a fungus on his face. Steven found a girl, Gillian, who would let him cry. And Ian was torn between helping his wife raise their first child and reading a article about the melting polar caps. Ian misread the part about polar caps, mistaking it for human teeth, and rmeianed huddled in a ball in the corner of his blue room for over a month. When he finally emerged in January 1979, Barney sized him up and offered to "kick you in the balls" for missing their last few gigs. Ian apologized and began seeing the Mahareishi Maheesh Yogi Bear. Hooky meanwhile set sail for Japan, only turning around after he reached Liverpool (He thought it took longer to get to Japan, and was disappointed). Now the lads set about to record an album of old Sinatra covers.

Part VI

In the five months it took to record their debut, "Unknown Postoffices" Joy Division were amazed at how much went into making a record; by the time they were through, Ian, Barney, Hooky, and Steve were flat broke, as was Rob "Doesn't Rhyme with Tom" Gretton. Tony Wilson had foolishly reaped the profits from this record and the subusquent single 'The Fuckin' Transmission's Out Again, Rob', and he disappeared in a drug filled haze, emerging with a vision of "the pompadoured one" who would "save Manchester from ruin". While Wilson was permanently checked into a loony ward (to be replaced by a double playing him), Gretton sent the boys on a Mexican cruise ship to recoup their lost profits. They ended up in Europe instead, and as Barney had not yet met the prostitutes of Holland, decided to tour while they were there. In Belgium, Ian met Linda McCartney, and they began a torrid affair. In fact, ian considered leaving his wife (Debbie Boone), but was talked out of it by Hooky, now fully enmeshed in his mullet. Martin "Hold on, I've wet meself" Hannett, a passerby who had been talked into making "Unknown Postoffices" a few months back, now began itching to make more money and convened the boys in London. Ian, who was still dragging Linda around even though her constant mentions of a "husband, Paul" annoyed him, met up with the lads in London to record the followup, "Help, I've set myself on fire and thsoe silly love songs are annoying" (soon to be retitled "Closer to Rob Than Bob"). The story of that album is dull, but exciting enough for the next installment......

Absolutely outrageous...are you doing this on the fly, or putting serious thought into it

Very very funny stuff there Tabsy. I think that Chuck Death and Colin Morton of Great Pop Things should do the bio of JD/NO.

TABOO these are ALL true?Well done Where can i get "UNKNOWN POSTOFFICES" from cos i seem to have the bootleg only? Rocket paying respect Mick

THE NEW ORDER STORY

Part (oh bloody hell, just make up a number)

Now recording "Closer to Rob Than Bob" in Central London (a stone's throw from Birmingham), Joy Division poured their heart and soul into the album, but no one liked it. Martin "You're not a female impersonator, are you?" Hannett was in the first full stages of a soda addiction, which began innocently enough when the boys went to an authentic Thai resturant (serving German cuisine) and Martin accidentially ordered "Coke" instead of "Beer". Intoxicated long before the evening was over, Hannett soon had connections in the underworld who would supply him with caffinated beverages. Barney complained to Tony "The Real Slim Shady" Wilson about Martin's heightened state of euphoria during the recording of funeral dirges, but Wilson just claimed ignorance and disappeared in a back alley with a secretary. Hooky, meanwhile, happened upon a half-drunk bottle of Mr. Pibb left behind by Hannett after a raucous party, and a romance, addiction, and divorce was born. Steve continued crying over spilt milk (he had literally dropped a milk carton by accident, and was so upset he didn't dare clean it up). Ian, the most calm of the four, was burdened by his devotion to "Mrs. Paul" (as he came to call Linda) and was now writing songs praising her fishsticks. The situation was set for disaster.

Part VIII

With the recording finished, Joy Division set out on a tour of the Northeast, playing Bolton several times as their map indicated no other cities in the region. By the time Rob "Smells like Schnapps" Gretton realized the map had come from the Office of Bolton Tourism, the boys were booked at the Bolton Hilton for the rest of their natural lives (thus inspiring the last Joy Division single "Love Will Keep Us at The Bolton Hilton"). Tony "I bet I've had your wife, guv!" Wilson, now a retired stockbroker with investments in the Idi Amin Pleasure Cruise company, planned an escape route involving tunneling underneath the Hilton, past the security gates staffed by the Nazis, and right into the heart of Manchester (California). Now free to play wherever they chose, Barney stopped to take a piss and the boys were off to Europe.

Part IX ("oh god, how much longer?")

Hooky's mullet, now hiding every last trace of facial features, dictated that the band should go to America, but it wanted a perm first. Barney managed to drink the town of Stockport dry, while Steve, forced by his mother (Gillian) to sit still, did not eat for a few weeks. Ian, in the meantime, was torn between Linda, Debbie Boone (his wife, in case you forgot), and a picture of Olivia Newton-John sunbathing topless, and he was worried about his hair repeating Hooky's mistake. Ian (the Happy One) was always a worrier, but now he actually had a reason to worry: in addition to his warped romantic situation, he was convinced that aliens were trying to beam him up to their spacehsips, causing his movements on stage to become more erratic. A giant flying disk was seen hovering over Ian's head at one point, but it turned out to be just an ELO album Hooky's mullet had made him purchase against his will. As the time for their trip to America (Iceland) grew nearer, Ian's visitations became more frequent, and his wife's constant nagging (set to the tune of "You Light up My Life") did little to assauge him. Finally one morning, Ian Curtis, the poet laurete of the post-punk generation, the Keats to David Bowie's Bobby Rydell, the Spanky of "Spanky and Our Gang", tragically and with little thought of his bandmates.......................accepted a teaching job in Scotland.

Part X

When news broke that Ian had been lost, Barney was heard to mutter,"Piss off!" but was understandably calm. Hooky, who had valiently tried to dissuade Ian from even considering it, broke down in tears. These tears, acidic after a night on the town with Martin "I always wanted to be a ballerina" Hannett and serious Pepsi consumption, burned away his mullet, and it would not return until he saw a Loverboy video years later. Stephen, starving and still awaiting the return of Gillian from a two-week "trip to the grocers", remembered the time he had led Ian through a graveyard of Scottish schoolteachers, as a warning. Rob "Never heard of a job" Gretton tried to reach Ian, now fully ensconced at Sir Paul's Catholic School for Naughty Girls, but had no luck. Unable to continue his drinking, Tony "I know when I've had enough, you git" Wilson decided the best thing to do was to force his boys to live up to their blood oath (to make him ludicrously rich) and so prompted the lads to take initiative:

1. Barney was to sing and write daff lyrics about eye colors, football teams, and the band XTC (though spelled differently).

2. Hooky was to take over Barney's alcohol consumption, and he was ordered to stop shagging Tony's new wife Zsa Zsa Gabor.

3. Steve, who was in no shape to play music, was propped up into his seat and force fed while Gillian programmed a drum beat to keep up appearances.

Now, as the residue of Ian's departure wore off, a ceremony was held in Westminster Abbey (Bolton Hilton) to mark his passing. Anti-Scottish fever was at a high pitch, but Debbie Boone sang "You Light Up My Life" to redirect the anger towards her, and was subsuquently beheaded. Barney was inspired to write his own lyrics, but after only being able to come up with "hit me baby, one more time" he was forced to steal Ian's unused lyrics for the first post-Joy Division single. Released in the fall of 1980 (but not by the Fall, who were busy with their own albums), "Ian was a Tosspot, Really" hit the stores before the band could agree on a new name. Rob "You don't have to be a snob" Gretton decided to try the same trick that led to the name Joy Division:

Rob: "Barney, what was that 'New Something' you said a while back?"

Barney: "Fuck all if I remember..."

Rob: "Alright then, you lazy twat. What's the first word that comes to your mind?"

Barney: "I gotta take a piss. Be right back" Hooky: "Procul Harem? No, it's been done.." Steve: "but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red....crying's not for me..." Gillian: (silence)

Rob: "Right, 'New Order'it is. Fucking tosspots......"

bravo!

THE NEW ORDER STORY (not to be confused with The Rocket Mick Story)

Part....XI? Yes, XI

Now minus Ian, the newly named "New Order" began thinking about their next move. These thoughts took up the rest of 1980 and much of 1981, until finally Barney realized it had been several months since he had taken a piss and proceeded to do so in May. Now refreshed, Barney came back from the toilet with some naughty words he had written on the stall and said "Right, let's make a bleedin' album". As the other three, along with Rob "Perish the thought" Gretton (he had long run out of clever nicknames) pondered Barney's lyrics, another month passed with no activity. Finally in mid-June, Hooky was the first to decipher Barney's handwritting, and with an "oh, I don't know if you can call her that in a song", the band headed to the studio after a quick tour of Bolton.

Part XII

Martin "I can tell you've never been this far before" Hannett had in the meantime checked himself into rehab in Scotland, a necessary move but an unfortunate location, and was never heard from again. Barney was able to coax him into the studio a fortnight later for the recording of "Bowel Movement", New Order's first proper album. Consisting of eight tunes stolen from Edgar Allen Poe poems, the songs reflected that Ian had been the true brains behind the operation, and Hooky's insistance on singing the best song on the album, "Mullets Never Die", hurt relations in the band further. Barney left temporarily to be the frontman for Styx, but soon realized his mistake and left just before Mr. Roboto turned into Ronald Reagan (later inspiring the tune "Dr. Reagan, Mr. Disco"). Everything was right as rain for the boys to tour the United States in the fall of 1981, but they took a wrong turn at Birmingham and ended up in Bolton yet again. In order to end such mishaps, Tony "Who says a nuclear holocaust is such a bad thing?" Wilson threw a Molotov cocktail into the town, destroying ever square inch, and the band flew to the US later that day.

Part XIII (hope I remember my Roman numerals correctly)

In America, Barney wandered into a trendy club called the Gay Britisher ("How was I supposed to know?!") and was instantly entranced by the sounds of disco, which, though having died in 1979, was still playing at the club ("How were we supposed to know?!"). Barney came back with a sore posterior and several records which he played for the group. Steven, subsisting on apple sauce and Pepto Bismal, fell in love with the records immediately, but didn't have the backbone to leave Gillian (she had removed his spine in a Brooklyn clinc). Hooky, now hellbent on destroying himself with soda, was alternately grumpy and high-spirited, with an alarming addiction to Scottish women. Rob "Your Name Here" Gretton and Tony "All this could be yours, if the Price Is Right!" Wilson, fearing another job offer from a Scottish school, kept Hooky in seclusion for months, while Barney worked on the next single "Hooky's Gone Quite Mad, Really" (retitled "Testiculation" and released in early 1982). Barney had taken up with Margaret Thatcher while vacationing in the Falklands ("Fancy meeting you here," was reportedly his first response) and their romance bloomed until he realized he was sleeping with Margaret Thatcher. Horrified, Barney returned to the band in July, just in time to record the second New Order record "Bacon, Lettuce and Fries" more simply known as "BLF" by New Order fans. (This should not be confused with "Better Looking Thighs" or "BLT", New Order's smash hit of 1986, which was their highest chart placing at #100). Chock full of good songs, the album was paired down to eight so-so and one "fucking lousy" song inspired by Barney's romantic dalliance with the Once and Future Prime Minister: "Blue Tuesday's Not As Bad As Monday"

MORE TO COME LATER!!!!! (sorry, that's all I got for today)

A DISCLAIMER

My apologies to anyone from Bolton, I'm sure it's a lovely town. I'm just doing the "Upper Maldon" bit from Monty Python's Icelandic Saga, that's all.

Taboo....i thought you had made this up until you mentioned BOLTON.I was at one of the gigs they played at a club called the PHOENIX.The audience was very small but quite friendly as BLACKBURN YOUTH had not turned up to this one.From memory there was a guy called JARVO,his mate JOHNNY(he spent all his time in the PHONE booth),FRED WEST ,EASY E,CHRIS NASH,a cool young guy of about 10 who was known as MILKY BAR KID(Mr Disco) and several kids down at the front including a six year old claiming to be from SCOTLAND who was with a guy chasing all the girls (2 of em only).A few of the members of the club mingled with the audience,in particular a man called BRIAN who was still trying to POGO in a WHEELCHAIR!HOOKY'S WALLET was there too looking like he should have been going to see SOFT CELL.The band was rather good that night and i bought a TAPE from ALEX STEPNEY a few months later.Years later both ANTHONY H WILSON and JOHN LYDON claimed they had been there both it was obvious that they just wanted to jump on this NEW ORDER bandwagon.For an encore a guy came on and told us little anecdotes about his travelling with NEW ORDER.I suspect he really is the FIFTH MAN,who had about his person several watches cos he liked to tell the time.They said he was a cowboy called TEN TO TEN, but by my watch it was only quarter to five and i had to get up for WORK in the morning so i refused the aftershow gig invite and sent MAX and PADDY from security in my place. Cheers KENNY SENIOR,MIAMA VICE and HOLY MARY. This was a benefit gig for SAVE THE LEEDS but they still went under.Shame really.:D BTW i think SHUGZV should write the biogs.

Originally posted by ShugZV©
Best post ye've done in ages Baldy

Me dads in bed so i did the last post. Cheers GAV G (SPUTNIK)

I might resume the "New Order Saga" sometime this weekend, I just ran low on ideas with yesterday's post and want to take some time to plan out the next chapter (i.e. I'm fucking lazy). I may even take Shuggsy's advice and approach Eleanor about publishing them in the next "Twenty Years", just as a laugh. Anyway, hope you like it so far!