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TALK NEW YEAR BOLLOCKS

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This is an archived legacy thread. Replies are closed, but the discussion is preserved.

I was thinking some posts can upset people. So to avoid this in future, I have created a thread called TALK BOLLOCKS. Here the insane can post to thier heatrs content.

All I ask is if you don't like talking bollocks don't read the threads and don't moan.

This thread is for Talking Bollocks.

Plans for the thread include;

Caption Competitions Record Collection reading's The answer is Blue Monday Whats your vegetable? where do you shop?

Other contributions welcome

Regards

DMB

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Watermelon is vegetable so fuck you if you think I'm bullshiting!!!!!

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Well I've subscribed, I mean if there's offensive and insane going about, I want a bit of that.

Shame you didn;t mean "talk bollox" like "talk shit", I thought I was finally being given explicit license to describe the state of the war in me gonks.

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NObabe wrote: Watermelon is vegetable so fuck you if you think I'm bullshiting!!!!!

And tomatoes are fruit, you wanna make something of this bitch?

:D

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I LOVE work. I am GREAT with women. And i come here to see if UNCLE LIAM really did think that LOST has been found!

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well i was wondering. if i was in my car and traveling at the speed of light(at night) and put my headlights on,would anything happen??.:confused2:

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I love my mother-in-law.

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DIGGY MIKE is IN serious TROUBLE. Mind you......what other kind is there?:D

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sign me up , seems the sorta thing I'd be up fer .

The fathom thread has been mentioned once already tonight , which upset and enthralled in equal measure and in indeed moved from ' what is the collective height of NO in fathoms ? ' to can an American rutebega veg be used as a unit of height and if so ' what is the collective height of NO in rutebegas ? '

incidentaly DigiMiK , if NO had a Stacia back in the day, would the NME have been so fawning in those pc times ? In short would a pair of 38dd's scuppered the whole Hall of Fame , living legends etc ?

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Steve Campbell wrote:

NObabe wrote: Watermelon is vegetable so fuck you if you think I'm bullshiting!!!!!

And tomatoes are fruit, you wanna make something of this bitch?

:D

ARE NOT!! Serious about watermelon though. I was taught that in school for fuck sake and we used to learn a lot of crap there. You might want to google it just a little bit as it grooves, oops. :blush:

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yer both talk so hip , yer twisting me melon man.

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IS GARYMAC on THE CREST OF A SLUMP?:lol:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Welcome aboard fellow nutters

GaryMac signin on the good ship Venus , the figurehead's a whore in bed .....

sorry friggin in the riggin sashayed into me thoughts .

Master Bates and Roger the cabin boy , they missin this trip DM ?

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I am thinking of doing a monthly newsletter

BOLLOCK BRAIN

and, er why i am i in trouble ?

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Rocket Mick wrote: IS GARYMAC on THE CREST OF A SLUMP?:lol:

Garymac's reinvigorated after his sabbatical at the Priory , Kate Mousse sends the ROCKET hugs and a styrofoam cup with the faintest trace of her crimson lipstick .... dont ebay it ROCKET !

CHORLEY DONT SURF

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digital mike binoche wrote: I am thinking of doing a monthly newsletter

BOLLOCK BRAIN

and, er why i am i in trouble ?

The TRAIN crash you caused wearing that SHIRT at Piccadilly. MIKE-having a GOOD RUN OF BAD LUCK!:laugh:

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mike powell wrote: well i was wondering. if i was in my car and traveling at the speed of light(at night) and put my headlights on,would anything happen??.:confused2:

You'd miss your exit for sure :)

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As long as we're talking bollox,

Mark King from Level 42 is a much better bassplayer than Hooky, and much cooler and much less gay looking with his bass mounted nice and high like a real man's should be.

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digital mike binoche wrote: I'm gonna set GARY MAC on yer :evil4:

That is sooooo PC:D

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The thread is going well, thanks for your imput, yer daft sod's :evil:

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i asked this one on the talk shite thread a while ago but i'll say it again. why do people spend something like a grand on a fancy coutch and then buy a throw to put over it ? spend about £1,000 then hide it under a fucking blanket like they are fucking ashamed of the thing !!! :banghead:

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bansheeman wrote: i asked this one on the talk shite thread a while ago but i'll say it again. why do people spend something like a grand on a fancy coutch and then buy a throw to put over it ? spend about £1,000 then hide it under a fucking blanket like they are fucking ashamed of the thing !!! :banghead:

I was ONLY hiding it from the DFS security staff. :laugh:

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ive always thought sunita off coronation st looks just like an anteater with that konk sunita the fucking anteater i call her :evil4:

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Bollocks to the lot of yous.ya all wankers :finger:

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You can get barred from this thread for mentioning Blue Monday unprompted

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Rocket Mick wrote:

bansheeman wrote: i asked this one on the talk shite thread a while ago but i'll say it again. why do people spend something like a grand on a fancy coutch and then buy a throw to put over it ? spend about £1,000 then hide it under a fucking blanket like they are fucking ashamed of the thing !!! :banghead:

I was ONLY hiding it from the DFS security staff. :laugh:

Or people who put mats on carpets or covers on car seats, or say "don;t wear your new shoes" or "don't eat off the good plates".....death to 'em I say.

Here's a good Campbell theory for you.

You know how your brain can tune out background things....for instance all your mates houses smell but yours doesn;t cos your nose has tuned it out to smell what's important (like when is dinner reeady). Or when you're staring from a moving vehicle and it stops and thigns seem to go backwards becaue tyour brain's been learning to compensate for the motion. Apparently also if you wear glasses that make the world upside down you are fine to go about your business after a week or two, but screwed up for another week or two when you remove them.

Andyway, this brings me to my point.... When you get drunk, some of this compensation software (or want of a better expression) goes wonky. you suddenly realise and FEEL that you're doing 900mph in an easterly direction and 90mps round the sun and so on. Which is why when you're blitzed, the room feels like it's spinning.....it is....it always has been, but you're brian has more important things to do just now that convince you otherwise, like it's been doing all your life.

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Steve, you can also get barred for posts containing 30 words or more.

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You put us to shame yer GIT.

Quality account of yer Manc experience though

School voucher on it's way to you

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Steve Campbell wrote: As long as we're talking bollox,

Mark King from Level 42 is a much better bassplayer than Hooky, and much cooler and much less gay looking with his bass mounted nice and high like a real man's should be.

Ooooohhhh so yyyyeeeeesssss!

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bansheeman wrote: i asked this one on the talk shite thread a while ago but i'll say it again. why do people spend something like a grand on a fancy coutch and then buy a throw to put over it ? spend about £1,000 then hide it under a fucking blanket like they are fucking ashamed of the thing !!! :banghead:

When did you visit my Mum?

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Once - well probably more than once if I'm honest; I couldn't find a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine; so, in desperation I found a screwdriver and tried to bore a hole in the top and shake the bottle. Well, it did work, but then, I discovered to my horror that it was a screw top.

Also, on having a new fitted kitchen with an inbuilt wine rack (how useless is 6 holes?) the morning after the night before I noticed a couple of empties on the side and a couple of full ones, so I thought I'd clear up, load the dishwasher, put things away etc, lifted up a bottle to put it back on the rack only to discover that the cork had been taken out but the foil rested over the top so it looked unopened. Goodness me, did I get wet; my lovely white veneered handmade (probably chipboard) cupboards tarnished with tannins.... still, I managed to salvage a glassful, for which I was grateful at 5pm. If ever you need a David Dickinson tan, just pour a bit of Australian Red over you - works wonders.:D

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patrick stewart appreciation society wrote: i hope david dickinson wins i'm a celebrity get me out of here

I hope he gets eaten, or better, no.......that's too mean. I'll keep it to myself.

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Wino wrote:

patrick stewart appreciation society wrote: i hope david dickinson wins i'm a celebrity get me out of here

I hope he gets eaten, or better, no.......that's too mean. I'll keep it to myself.

Thats abit bloody harsh!!

on a side note i hope you wine drinkers are watching i'm a celebrity, that food and drink woman could teach you all alot about wine. she wasn't half babbling on last night

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digital mike binoche wrote: Steve, you can also get barred for posts containing 30 words or more.

I'll just wear me coat then, it'll save time later :)

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Wino wrote:

bansheeman wrote: i asked this one on the talk shite thread a while ago but i'll say it again. why do people spend something like a grand on a fancy coutch and then buy a throw to put over it ? spend about £1,000 then hide it under a fucking blanket like they are fucking ashamed of the thing !!! :banghead:

When did you visit my Mum?

Right after he was done with your sister:laugh:..Sorry I thought it said TALK SMACK for one moment:uhoh: Sorry,dumbass me.

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Would anyone actually rim a cat, if it got them out of hearing Jetstream from now until the end of time?:crazy:

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somebody calls you you answer quite slowly a girl with colitis goes by

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Always thought it was clydascope(however you spell it) eyes.I live and learn....

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Boatraceface wrote: Always thought it was clydascope(however you spell it) eyes.I live and learn....

no. it is 'a girl with colitis goes by.'

just as in LWTUA ian sings:

'and resentment rides high 'cause the mushrooms won't grow.'

many people mistake it for 'emotions won't grow.' these people are mistaken. ian is clearly singing of mushrooms.

screw kaleidoscopes and emotions.

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BollocksBollocksBollocks BollocksBollocksBollocksBollocks BollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocks BollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollock BollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocksBollocks

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AgentWood wrote:

Boatraceface wrote: Always thought it was clydascope(however you spell it) eyes.I live and learn....

no. it is 'a girl with colitis goes by.'

just as in LWTUA ian sings:

'and resentment rides high 'cause the mushrooms won't grow.'

many people mistake it for 'emotions won't grow.' these people are mistaken. ian is clearly singing of mushrooms.

screw kaleidoscopes and emotions.

Ladies and gents, the case for why Woody's a top nooler to have around, rests, we offer only the above into the record.

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when in doubt christy's got the answer.

at leat nobody's mentioned tesco yet.

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Steve Campbell wrote:

AgentWood wrote:

Boatraceface wrote: Always thought it was clydascope(however you spell it) eyes.I live and learn....

no. it is 'a girl with colitis goes by.'

just as in LWTUA ian sings:

'and resentment rides high 'cause the mushrooms won't grow.'

many people mistake it for 'emotions won't grow.' these people are mistaken. ian is clearly singing of mushrooms.

screw kaleidoscopes and emotions.

Ladies and gents, the case for why Woody's a top nooler to have around, rests, we offer only the above into the record.

cheers. i'm test driving at the moment.

p.s. but the supermarket-related remark was a bit strong for this sort of thread, mike.

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BIGINOIL wrote: I love my mother-in-law.

Liar!

:nonono:

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AgentWood wrote:

Boatraceface wrote: Always thought it was clydascope(however you spell it) eyes.I live and learn....

no. it is 'a girl with colitis goes by.'

just as in LWTUA ian sings:

'and resentment rides high 'cause the mushrooms won't grow.'

many people mistake it for 'emotions won't grow.' these people are mistaken. ian is clearly singing of mushrooms.

screw kaleidoscopes and emotions.

:laugh:

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I know absolutely EVERYTHING about computers.

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V.A.T. - I know everything about V.A.T. what else could it stand for?

Vicious Attack on Traders? Very Arseholeist Telephonists? Venomous Acting Tracey's? Violent Arsey Todgers? Very Angry Tryingtogetbyers?

Oh, these are weak! That's why they are on this thread.

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those little net bags you get with washing powder tablets make great vests for gay mice.

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Barney Army wrote: those little net bags you get with washing powder tablets make great vests for gay mice.

:abovelol: Rajed:crazy: :abovelol:

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Barney Army wrote: those little net bags you get with washing powder tablets make great vests for gay mice.

How exactly do you know that, and I mean exactly?

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Barney Army wrote: those little net bags you get with washing powder tablets make great vests for gay mice.

Only if you use OMO!:D

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Barney Army wrote: those little net bags you get with washing powder tablets make great vests for gay mice.

if you dye the net black you can make a goth mouse.

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digital mike binoche wrote: Welcome back Christy !

And your front is pretty welcoming too!:laugh:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Welcome back Christy !

i'll only return for good if you buy me a very expensive dyson.

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HAPPY 8000 MIKE :clap:

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Here y'go you NO freaks - work this one out:

Well I don't like the work, but true, I need the money My life is like a joke, but to me it isn't funny People all around telling me what to do And all I wanna do is stay home with you.............

Day after day becomes more of a grind

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Sorry - the computer threw a weird one..........

so,

Bills pile up moneys harder to find Trying to get ahead, getting further behind If I dont give it up gonna lose my mind Wish I was on an island in the sun.,..... then I wouldn't have to worry how to get things done....

Who wrote it? Who sang it? Who cares?

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I hereby proclaim this thread as..

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I HAVE 50 JOY DIVISION'S CONCERTS!!

Plz to excuse my engrish

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Christopher Owens wrote:

Or is it comebacking heavy-weight boxer Prince Nasseem Hamed Burger king...disguised as a christian Drag Artist,as the fight with Ricky Hatton offer comes in.Prince Naz,armed with an excuse of "I will never fight a fellow christian,but I reserve the right to have a paint brush beard, and 12 double whoppers with cheese, fries and all the trimmings"While cashing in with publicity, getting the recently vacated Rimmel model contract in the satchel here,at the expense of his dignity:laugh:

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ChrissMari wrote: I HAVE 50 JOY DIVISION'S CONCERTS!!

Plz to excuse my engrish

What is it about magenta that makes your eyes want to bleed...? Must be the hyperthermic qualities of photons at the excitable extreme of the UV spectrum...

Wheres my chip and pin gone?

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Getting Away With It?

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I can get 400 extra Tesco clubcard points if I spend more than £30 on DVDs, but only 50 points for spending more than £2 on deodourants or 'body sprays'.

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There's a DVD film out about all those smelly 70's punks, maybe that's one to go for... Maybe Nirvana, the smelly grungists will also have something out... and perhaps I could get a Michael Palin DVD; all that travelling must have made him niffy. Add in a couple of vaseline BO cream roll ons and bingo 450 point heaven!

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Thank goodness it is nearly FRIDAY! Anything exciting happening your way? DENTIST for me.Then i am going to go XMAS shoplifting.Hope it snows soon aswell.I just love seeing where i have PISSED.Do you think it will be lonely this XMAS? Well at least i will get a few days off work.Then i am RETIRING again for the deep winter. GREAT when you're STRAIGHT :scratch:

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Pissing in the snow is ace

Snow

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Barney Army wrote: Pissing in the snow is ace

Snow

Huh? Photoshop surely?

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nope.

Here's your chance to piss like a bloke Maya

Wee Wee

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I love the Brit awards.They're great!

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I just spent £4 on scratchcards and won.... £4!

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in the future right, when archaeologists dig up one of our roman museums, are they gonna think that they've dug up a museum or stumbled across an undiscovered roman settlement? that'll confuse them.

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Doesn't BARNEY sing WELL?:evil4:

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Rocket Mick wrote: Doesn't BARNEY sing WELL?:evil4:

Have you hear him deliver Madame Butterfly?

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Christopher Owens wrote:

Rocket Mick wrote: Doesn't BARNEY sing WELL?:evil4:

Have you hear him deliver Madame Butterfly?

No cos i have MOTH ears!:D

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Christopher Owens wrote:

She's just heard Sisters Of Mercy are reforming?

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I think you were chatting her up:

'Are you free tonight or will it cost me?'

'Can I see your tan lines?'

'Hi. Are you legal?'

'Hi. You'll do.'

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Christopher Owens wrote:

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AgentWood wrote:

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :abovelol: :abovelol: :abovelol: :abovelol:

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digital mike binoche wrote: I was right !

About Tescos?

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MIKE is barred from TESCOs. He can checkout any time he wants but he can NEVER leave. WELCOME to the HOTEL DOWN IN DERBY. BUY BUY NobABE.............. :D

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Just got the 'Firefly' DVD.

They wear 70's battlestar galactica clothes, the theme tune is very 'high noon' Westernish, the crew are very 'ala' Farscape, Braniac girl is very 5th Element and the inhabitants of the known Universe have turned into extras from Bonanza.

Still, the stories are good...

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Isn't MAYA pretty? :D

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I've been thinking about the scalability of mammals.

For instance, if you scaled down a whale to the size of a peanut would it still work?

And if you had a meer cat the size of, say, the Empire State Building (stood up obviously) how strong would it be. How far could it throw a Ford Focus 1.6LX ?

Anyone? Rocket?

:confused2:

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I'm drinking echinace and elderberry tea and feeling miserable about my freezer.

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Barney Army wrote: I've been thinking about the scalability of mammals.

For instance, if you scaled down a whale to the size of a peanut would it still work?

And if you had a meer cat the size of, say, the Empire State Building (stood up obviously) how strong would it be. How far could it throw a Ford Focus 1.6LX ?

Anyone? Rocket?

:confused2:

Doesn't work, read an article on just this subject once. All the stresses and loads go wrong. a 15 foor bloke for instance would shatter his legs the moment he stodd up.

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:abovelol:

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Steve Campbell wrote:

Barney Army wrote: I've been thinking about the scalability of mammals.

For instance, if you scaled down a whale to the size of a peanut would it still work?

And if you had a meer cat the size of, say, the Empire State Building (stood up obviously) how strong would it be. How far could it throw a Ford Focus 1.6LX ?

Anyone? Rocket?

:confused2:

Doesn't work, read an article on just this subject once. All the stresses and loads go wrong. a 15 foor bloke for instance would shatter his legs the moment he stodd up.

phew. I will sleep better now.

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Steve Campbell wrote: A 15 foor bloke for instance would shatter his legs the moment he stodd up.

And almost certainly knock himself out on the ceiling.

:lol:

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Barney Army wrote: I've been thinking about the scalability of mammals.

For instance, if you scaled down a whale to the size of a peanut would it still work?

And if you had a meer cat the size of, say, the Empire State Building (stood up obviously) how strong would it be. How far could it throw a Ford Focus 1.6LX ?

Anyone? Rocket?

:confused2:

A meer cat would only throw a FORD KA!And the only big pussy in NEW YORK would be a visiting SERBIAN having a whale of a time eating NUTS!:lol:

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Barney Army wrote:

Steve Campbell wrote:

Barney Army wrote: I've been thinking about the scalability of mammals.

For instance, if you scaled down a whale to the size of a peanut would it still work?

And if you had a meer cat the size of, say, the Empire State Building (stood up obviously) how strong would it be. How far could it throw a Ford Focus 1.6LX ?

Anyone? Rocket?

:confused2:

Doesn't work, read an article on just this subject once. All the stresses and loads go wrong. a 15 foor bloke for instance would shatter his legs the moment he stodd up.

phew. I will sleep better now.

this is true. the world's tallest man, a gent by the name of robert wadlow, had to wear braces on his legs because his height made him so unstable. he eventually died of an infection caused by one of the braces. i believe he was only 23 or so.

i do wonder about the whale, though. there are squids of all sizes, so why not whales of all sizes?

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Which part of my face looks bothered to you?

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In a UTR interview (Issue 13, title: Free State Declared - if this rings any bells) from late 94 or 95 (?), the Sisters are referred to as "legendary techno rock gods", while many Goths consider the Sisters to be one of the original bands of the Gothic rock movement, and on the phone you referred to the Sisters as that "Northern pop band"? How should people think of the Sisters? Should they classify them at all? How fabulous that you should be aware of pop's finest organ. No, people, I refer to the late-lamented 'Underneath The Rock', house magazine of Leeds' deepest and widest thinmen.

I'm not interested in what g***s think. I gather Mick Mercer keeps revising his Book Of G*** to include ever-more-ascerbic comments about us because we still refuse to talk to him. Go figure.

I recently declined the opportunity to do guest vocals on a single for somebody (who shall remain nameless) because the lyrics were appalling - and very silly. I thought "If I sang that rubbish, people would accuse me of being a g***!". (The artist who shall remain nameless was not, of course, accused of any such thing.) Turns out the lyrics had been written for her by David Dorrell, a prime originator of the "Sisters are g*** and therefore crap" smear. There's a nice irony for you. Pot calling kettle black, I'd say - except that we're a stainless-steel kettle and very shiny. He remains a dimwit, and he's scraping a living writing crappy g*** lyrics for mainstream pop artists. Better than the fat professional-retard who now does the annoying adverts for washing powder, I suppose, or the fat professional-retard who went off to write for the Sun. They didn't like us either. British music journalists never die, they waddle off to reveal their agenda for a derelict spiv nation in a media half-life more grotesque than anything I've ever been accused of.

The Sisters are occupied by politics and philosophy but we lack a spiritual agenda. Apart from the fact that we're not very spiritually-minded and only ever use the idioms ironically (when we use them at all), it's disappointing that so many people have in all seriousness adopted just one of our many one-week-of-stupid-clothes benders, just like it's currently disappointing that the rest of the nation is in all seriousness wearing those crappy seventies clothes that we wore for a week in '84 because we'd taken enough medication to find it funny. Well, okay, we wore crappy seventies shirts for more than a week, but that's because we kept taking the medication. And it really was funny.

Anyway, I'm constantly confronted by representatives of popular culture who are far more g*** than we, yet I have only to wear black socks to be stigmatised as the demon overlord. Luckily, this is a particularly British misconception, so we don't usually have to deal with it much. Mainland journalists very rarely ask questions like the one above, and then only in reference to British media practices...

People should think of the Sisters with awe. They should think of the Sisters with a savage smile in the higher cortex, and a certain moistness in the lower gusset. Thank you.

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Christopher Owens wrote: In a UTR interview (Issue 13, title: Free State Declared - if this rings any bells) from late 94 or 95 (?), the Sisters are referred to as "legendary techno rock gods", while many Goths consider the Sisters to be one of the original bands of the Gothic rock movement, and on the phone you referred to the Sisters as that "Northern pop band"? How should people think of the Sisters? Should they classify them at all? How fabulous that you should be aware of pop's finest organ. No, people, I refer to the late-lamented 'Underneath The Rock', house magazine of Leeds' deepest and widest thinmen.

I'm not interested in what g***s think. I gather Mick Mercer keeps revising his Book Of G*** to include ever-more-ascerbic comments about us because we still refuse to talk to him. Go figure.

I recently declined the opportunity to do guest vocals on a single for somebody (who shall remain nameless) because the lyrics were appalling - and very silly. I thought "If I sang that rubbish, people would accuse me of being a g***!". (The artist who shall remain nameless was not, of course, accused of any such thing.) Turns out the lyrics had been written for her by David Dorrell, a prime originator of the "Sisters are g*** and therefore crap" smear. There's a nice irony for you. Pot calling kettle black, I'd say - except that we're a stainless-steel kettle and very shiny. He remains a dimwit, and he's scraping a living writing crappy g*** lyrics for mainstream pop artists. Better than the fat professional-retard who now does the annoying adverts for washing powder, I suppose, or the fat professional-retard who went off to write for the Sun. They didn't like us either. British music journalists never die, they waddle off to reveal their agenda for a derelict spiv nation in a media half-life more grotesque than anything I've ever been accused of.

The Sisters are occupied by politics and philosophy but we lack a spiritual agenda. Apart from the fact that we're not very spiritually-minded and only ever use the idioms ironically (when we use them at all), it's disappointing that so many people have in all seriousness adopted just one of our many one-week-of-stupid-clothes benders, just like it's currently disappointing that the rest of the nation is in all seriousness wearing those crappy seventies clothes that we wore for a week in '84 because we'd taken enough medication to find it funny. Well, okay, we wore crappy seventies shirts for more than a week, but that's because we kept taking the medication. And it really was funny.

Anyway, I'm constantly confronted by representatives of popular culture who are far more g*** than we, yet I have only to wear black socks to be stigmatised as the demon overlord. Luckily, this is a particularly British misconception, so we don't usually have to deal with it much. Mainland journalists very rarely ask questions like the one above, and then only in reference to British media practices...

People should think of the Sisters with awe. They should think of the Sisters with a savage smile in the higher cortex, and a certain moistness in the lower gusset. Thank you.

What the fuck is that? I don't even have to read it to know it's bollocks! Nothing that long could be anything else!

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BIGINOIL wrote: What the fuck is that? I don't even have to read it to know it's bollocks! Nothing that long could be anything else!

It's part of an interview with the legendary Andrew Eldritch.

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It's fucking bollocks, that's what it is!

:lol:

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When I was a kid I thought I would keep growing like Robert Wadlow. I stopped at 6'3", which is far too tall to be drunk in that stupid little pub behind the Apollo. I still have a large cut on my head from the impact.

:banghead:

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He's basically saying he's not a goth.

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Well why didn't he just say that then, instead of talking all that bollocks?

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BIGINOIL wrote: Which part of my face looks bothered to you?

the part with the nose and the eyes and the mouth and all that.

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1997

2001

Further proof.

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AgentWood wrote:

BIGINOIL wrote: Which part of my face looks bothered to you?

the part with the nose and the eyes and the mouth and all that.

That's the bit that looks drunk.

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BIGINOIL wrote:

AgentWood wrote:

BIGINOIL wrote: Which part of my face looks bothered to you?

the part with the nose and the eyes and the mouth and all that.

That's the bit that looks drunk.

drunkenly bothered.

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Christopher Owens wrote: He's basically saying he's not a goth.

Speaking of bothered..Who gives a rat's arse if he is Pink Goth gay cheese on toast, or not?:shrug:

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Boatraceface wrote:

Speaking of bothered..Who gives a rat's arse if he is Pink Goth gay cheese on toast, or not?:shrug:

Eldritch clearly does.

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The master of talking bollocks

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Johnny wrote: The master of talking bollocks

You're only realising that now?:skeptic: :wink:

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Johnny wrote: The master of talking bollocks

I seriously hope he's OK and gets a gig somewhere. the sketch about "we have repelled the evil americans, the desert is littered with their dead and the wrecks of their tanks, Iraq is victorious" while the M1 rolls though shot and a blackhawk is clearly audible, is probably the single fnuniest routine since the dead parrot.

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So we're still talking bollox then? No worries "in the beginning God Created the heavens and the earth......"

"can you wait my plane will be arriving shortly right there at the gate I pray that you'll be waiting right there for me" etc

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Can we keep this clean?ther'es no call for Jizzstream lyrics...

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do they still sell chia pets? i want one.

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ah booleean algebra, bolderdash

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I remember when we had PROPER threads and just TALKED BOLLOCKS anyway.Now we have ACTUAL Talk Bollocks threads.How very PC! :blackeye: HUNTSMAN and PATRICK remembered..........:thumb:

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Rocket Mick wrote: I remember when we had PROPER threads and just TALKED BOLLOCKS anyway.Now we have ACTUAL Talk Bollocks threads.How very PC! :blackeye: HUNTSMAN and PATRICK remembered..........:thumb:

talk bollocks. :D

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BOLLOCKS- i have to go work and i haven't got a STITCH to wear!:D

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i just started the washing machine.

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speaking of shite, i just went to the loo.

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now i recharging the battery for the smoke alarm. non-stop excitement here.

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bollocks my daily posting count keeps going down. as soon as i hit like 41 i go back to 35 or 31. must my timezone.

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Boatraceface wrote: Can we keep this clean?ther'es no call for Jizzstream lyrics...

If you don't try, how will you know?

Anyway; why do pigs go 'oink' and cats go 'meow'; can't they try some other sounds or maybe part exchange with one another...

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speaking of washing machines , my missus got ketchup on the bed sheets the other day. I then got ribena on the same bedsheet.

And she said my spill has ruined the sheets! Surely ketchup is far worse.......it was ribena light

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:feedback:

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Royser wrote: speaking of washing machines , my missus got ketchup on the bed sheets the other day. I then got ribena on the same bedsheet.

And she said my spill has ruined the sheets! Surely ketchup is far worse.......it was ribena light

put on a bit of fabric cleaner on your sheets. that should do the trick. i won't even ask how that stuff got into your sheets. ah well your lubrication is your secret.

what's happening here men discussing laundry. how snagy ( is that a new word)

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New Order are an Outer Mongolian pop group with the same manager as the Cheeky Girls. The lead singer Bernard is a tranny. Hooky plays the drums in his favourite treacle pants. Steven eats figs on a Tuesday. And did you know that Gillian adopted them in the 19th Century?

Eeeee i love talking bollocks me i do!

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Man Yoo shouldn't have let Liam Miller go to Leeds.

Bollocks to that!!! better off leaving him there. and send Duncan Fletcher and Timmy Howard there as well.

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London is simultaneously a treasured diamond and a stinking pile of rotting maggot infested turd.

:nod:

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Is turd word of the month or what? Disgraceful, really.

Turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd turd (well if you can't beat 'em join 'em)

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I just bought a handy device for my TV. I tapes all the programs I dont want to watch, then plays them back when I'm not in, so I never need to watch crap again. Brilliant! Only cost me £300

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Barney Army wrote: I just bought a handy device for my TV. I tapes all the programs I dont want to watch, then plays them back when I'm not in, so I never need to watch crap again. Brilliant! Only cost me £300

ive never heard such a load of bollocks well done :thumb:

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Barney Army wrote: I just bought a handy device for my TV. I tapes all the programs I dont want to watch, then plays them back when I'm not in, so I never need to watch crap again. Brilliant! Only cost me £300

I just let SHUGZV,DON and DIGGY do that for me!:laugh:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Just refer to us as the Holy Trinity in futue Mick

More like ST TRINIANS!:D

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Absence makes the heart grow wider.

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Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time

For ya'll have knocked her up again

I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe

And I was not offended

For I knew I had to rise above it all

Or drown in my own shit

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Improve your life, and confuse annoying people, use stupid made up words like... nosebeast wrinklepost flebnor trilnork agglepleb rupnarglesack warbab stegron (OK, nicked from Dr Who) many of these work best if uttered as a sort of gutterl primal scream.

You get points if you can get "normal people" to say them as if they are real words, I had my boss saying "the system's gone stegron again" without a flinch.

OK, this post works on 2 levels you see, cos I AM talking bollox, but it's an instructuional on HOW to talk bollox.

what a clever little bollox talker I am.

Do try it tho, please, the world needs more insanity.

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tablets Ste. TAAAAABBBLETTTTTTS!!! don't forget to take em

:bow: to me

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I am WORKING OVERTIME on SATURDAY.Sadly this is not a LIE but it is BOLLOCKS.Whatever happened to the DHSS?:scratch:

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just sing the song by XTC. one,two,three,four,five rockets working oooooooo-vertime :evil4:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Steve, I have to agree that is BOLLOCKS :abovelol:

Perhaps, but if you try it and it works, you'll feel really good about yourself. And make people mental, it's a win win situation.

just pick a word you made up, or hey, ask me, i have a billion of them, mainly coined as expletives when Fuck would no longer do, while engaged in a long period of adiction to the game "worms". the word must sound like it means what you use it for, it's easy to tell, there are sound psychological reaons for things like linguistic assonance.

A fiver says you can get anyone, who already thinks you're a bit mad, to be saying things like "my car went stegron this morning" in a week.

FFS man, we have the local Mormons convinced ther's a cult round here.... Three people have delivered the same precise statement to various harassing Mormons, on several occasions, 3 or 4 more people have managed to adlib a variation cos they didn't revise it properly.

the scene...you're happily mindind your own business, and as if by magic, two mormons appear, in standard issue anoraks (to keep the nice suits dry) and backpacks, sometimes with bicycles. "Good $TIME_OF_DAY sirs, might we talk to you for a moment" learn this, learn it well my friends, because if people all over the world start saying this to them they'll go nuts and leave us alone. "I'm sorry mate, but before you got any further, I feel I should tell you that I completely and wholeheartedly believe in a giant worm called "Nosebeast" who orbits the earth and defends it from all harm. Therefor, your relgion, as all others, is meaningless to me. I bid you good day friend".

You can be 50 yards down the road before they so much as twitch such is the mental overload.

i bear them no ill will of course, but if they want to play the converting game, and they started it, i'm gonna get my shot in first.

please help me on this.

All the above is true, regardless of it also being bollox, I'm one of the few people who can be said to live what's called a bollox life.

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digital mike binoche wrote: :abovelol: Sorry Steve, I forgot it is Magic Mushroom season.

Magic,Campbell's Mushroom Soup :abovelol:

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:abovelol:

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Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is Not Your God Money Is 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Now, i want 500 lines of;

Depeche Mode are talentless Bottom bashers

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digital mike binoche wrote: Now, i want 500 lines of;

Depeche Mode are talentless Bottom bashers

:abovelol: Don't talk bollocks.

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i've just burnt my jacket potato in the oven, put it in a few hrs ago and forgot all about it, plus forgot the kettle wasn't plugged in and poured a cold cup of tea now thats bollocks!

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i am REALLY happy.:hat:

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I just counted Christopher's lines (500). Now that's bollocks!

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Maya is not a slapper.

Now that's bollocks.:evil4:

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Christopher Owens wrote: Maya is not a slapper.

Now that's ENTERTAINMENT.:evil4:

Jammy sod for getting away with that statement!:D

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Howdya know he has, by the time she gets a plane from Belgrade to Belfast gets a taxi round to deadfuck Owens' place and assembles the gun, it could be tomorrow morning.

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:abovelol:

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She won't like me for this, but we were talking a while back and she let slip a little secret.... She's actualy 52, from Smolensk, not Belgrade, and was the KGB's top hitman for 12 years, her codename was "comrade lostdaplotsky". She was responsible for many high profile deaths, particularly in the entertainment industry (Liberace for instance paid the ultimate price, some say for selling false info to the Russians, others, that he simply said barney looked a bit gay, and he'd quite fancy a bit of that), and also started more than a couple of small wars, primarily to get whinging media whores to do benefit/protest gigs, so she could do an assassin's "trolley dash". Her continued refusal to perfrom her contracted hit on the members of New Order (for the bar bill they left in Keiv which started the collapse of the soviet bloc) lead to her eventual dismisal, flight to Serbia and remodelling of her idenity.

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Steve Campbell wrote: her codename was "comrade lostdaplotsky".

:rofl:

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it was pneumonia that richard whitely died from. but on the good side he got 9 extra points for having a 9 letter word and using all the vowels :abovelol:

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I have had all of em in your avatar , TWICE , sorry I was dreaming :)

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digital mike binoche wrote: I have had all of em in your avatar , TWICE , sorry I was dreaming :)

but alysia milano ( and not dochery ) would now rightly be at front of pic because i watch it for alysia she's the best

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looks like i am taking bollocks alone at moment, TALK BOLLOCKS YA BASTARDS. emmmmmm how come fags where 10p a pack in 1970 but are now at least 4 pound now.thats 400 % increase..so a music player or t.v. should be more than 1,000 pounds now.but they are 29 pound in asda :confused2:

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gezz put it on wrong thread. i thought i was on shopping thread :above lol:

anyway i have 12" copy of reqium. what a track man .wow

shit wrong thread again...your a dalek and it makes me edgy

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ermmmmmm i can talk bollocks on my own all night but was hoping for other input :\ohwell: i'd like to talk to common people,common people like you

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where are they now

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o.k. given mike rules at start of this thread so i can say what i want. a subject has come up on another thread/forum. i will have and even buy a drink with any gay new order fans at any time BUT JUST AS FRIENDS!! :deal:

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bansheeman wrote: looks like i am taking bollocks alone at moment, TALK BOLLOCKS YA BASTARDS. emmmmmm how come fags where 10p a pack in 1970 but are now at least 4 pound now.thats 400 % increase..so a music player or t.v. should be more than 1,000 pounds now.but they are 29 pound in asda :confused2:

I don't know how prices work in the UK, but in the US, since 1970, the tax on cigs has increased. Now, for an average pack, it's $5-$6, but the tax varies between states. It's higher in Boston, Mass., than it is in a Southern state, for example. My mother, who used to smoke unfiltered Camels around 1970, saw the recent prices of cigarettes here and she was surprised about the increase, but the tax also plays a part in the price increase, too.

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at $5 you could be my runner or your mum could

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bansheeman wrote: at $5 you could be my runner or your mum could

Runner for what?

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Bansheeman, soy about the lack of support for your BOLLOCKS. I am here to help you talk Bollocks now.

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Steve Campbell wrote: deadfuck Owens' place

:abovelol:

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Steve Campbell wrote: She won't like me for this, but we were talking a while back and she let slip a little secret.... She's actualy 52, from Smolensk, not Belgrade, and was the KGB's top hitman for 12 years, her codename was "comrade lostdaplotsky". She was responsible for many high profile deaths, particularly in the entertainment industry (Liberace for instance paid the ultimate price, some say for selling false info to the Russians, others, that he simply said barney looked a bit gay, and he'd quite fancy a bit of that), and also started more than a couple of small wars, primarily to get whinging media whores to do benefit/protest gigs, so she could do an assassin's "trolley dash". Her continued refusal to perfrom her contracted hit on the members of New Order (for the bar bill they left in Keiv which started the collapse of the soviet bloc) lead to her eventual dismisal, flight to Serbia and remodelling of her idenity.

Haha Steve this is absolutely the funniest thing I've ever read about me :laugh: Will you marry me? :spit:

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STRANGE weekend really.BIG got sent some dodgy gear from CHORLEY.Got PLASTERED last night and then remembered not only is it 3 weeks to XMAS but 3 weeks till my job ends.Then had some news from AL.Cheers for that mate. MIKE is worried cos he has heard TESCO is closing DOWN. It is only for 1 DAY MIKE! :lol:

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Best Police Detective Work of the week award has been awarded to Inspector Knacker arrested Pete Doherty on suspicion of possession of drugs.

We can't go on together...

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Lightweight :nono:

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Why is it then just when ONE chills out for the weekend it ends?:scratch:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Iv'e lost the thread

Needle in a HAYSTACK DIGGY in the WOOLPACK ROCKET in LOST BIGINOIL in .........

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Rocket Mick wrote:

digital mike binoche wrote: Iv'e lost the thread

Needle in a HAYSTACK DIGGY in the WOOLPACK ROCKET in LOST BIGINOIL in .........

:love2:

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I walked to Tesco today - if I'd known they were closing down, I've have walked to Sainsbury's instead - it's nearer. Anyway, Wolf Blass on special offer - but as per bloody usual, only 1 bottle on the shelf - no actually, there WAS one bottle left on the shelf - had to go to the local offy to get better priced wine; frankly, Tesco have gone down in my estimation and Asda are offering 2 bottles of Spirits for £20 only till Wednesday though; and my nearest Asda is ***** territory......dodgy......think a 90's 'cartoon' that rhymes with Ginger and has Turtles at the end........... well, I am so sorry, but I work just round the corner from where they arrested 'suspects' in the London bombings.......

Who wants my clubcard points?........ and anyway, Good Housekeeping magazine rates their 'FINEST' range of Mince Pies as a ***; M & S got *****! Gutted.

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TOP BOLLOCKS

:thumb:

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TV has gone TERRIBLE at the moment.Only ROME is worth watching.But i really will haveto get a HOBBY or a new woman! I can see MUD being NUMBER ONE in ROCKET's FESTIVE FIFTY again.Xmas is a great reminder to how lonely one can get. I WISH IT COULD BE XMAS EVERYDAY my arse!

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Moaning twat!

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oh dear......Mick's in for one fucked up Xmas eve

the spirits of Christmas past present and future will be visiting him. Gretton Ian And Fookin Hannet... "beware ebeneezer mick, or thee shall end up a big fat cunt who doesn't fit down his grave too, AND go to your grave with Tony fuckin Wilson owing you money"

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lol nice one Steve, but do u know the true identity of santa ?

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BIGINOIL wrote: Moaning twat!

And a partridge in a pear tree.......:lol:

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digital mike binoche wrote: lol nice one Steve, but do u know the true identity of santa ?

I'm guessing Alan Wise, he can't make a living doing 40 seconds of work for NO 3 times a year.

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CLASSIC!

The Channel Four presenter has just introduced a film about the First World War by warning "this contains scenes of violence".

:faint:

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digital mike binoche wrote: I got 2 x Lindemans for £9.00 at Tesco

They saw you coming - I got 3 for £10.00!

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BIGINOIL wrote: CLASSIC!

The Channel Four presenter has just introduced a film about the First World War by warning "this contains scenes of violence".

:faint:

WANTED: Handbasket, heatproof. Must be in good condition, and able to hold entire Human race and/or planet.

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digital mike binoche wrote: My son is well pissed off

Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

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Wino wrote:

digital mike binoche wrote: I got 2 x Lindemans for £9.00 at Tesco

They saw you coming - I got 3 for £10.00!

No, they CHARGED him a tenner for 3, but he loves Tesco so much he made a donation, in the hope they'd stay open on christmas day.

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He might love Tesco; I do; I've got a bottle of Pouilly Fuisse awaiting opening............ nice vintage too - Mike?

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Single, Double or clotted? Oh, then there's whipping... mind you, it does take a bit of sugar to get the peaks!

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:uhoh: <--- I really like this smiley. Sometimes I find myself doing that UH OH thing with my eyes in my real life. Must look a right twat.

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NObabe wrote: :uhoh: <--- I really like this smiley. Sometimes I find myself doing that UH OH thing with my eyes in my real life. Must look a right twat.

No it's fine; as long as it's not connected to my cream comment? - cos you know, single is always the best bet!

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So you're thinking natural remedies then? Dirty Sod, ugh! Natural yoghurty stuff; good germs and all that? Crap.

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Steve Campbell wrote: Hey Maya.... There's no pot plant in your pot plant plant pot

:jawdrop: <- NOT that I'm able to do such a thing with my mouth when offline, don't get too excited :spit:

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NObabe wrote:

Steve Campbell wrote: Hey Maya.... There's no pot plant in your pot plant plant pot

:jawdrop: <- NOT that I'm able to do such a thing with my mouth when offline, don't get too excited :spit:

If you could do that with your actual mouth I'd have you rounded up and shot for being Jade fuckin Goodie (goody?)(chav?)

She'll be prime minister at the rate our Govt is being taken over by the lowest form of life [1](media studies students).

[1] more accurately, the lowest form of *Human* life, we can't be coutning, drummers, roadfilth, bassplayers, guit.....the entire music industry from the musicians, right down through the caterers (bless them) roadfilth, toilet scrubbers, bouncers and pit gorrillas, all the way past the weird guy who's so into the band you have to chase him away from licking the wedge monitors in search of sweat...Right down through the ninth level of hell where the A+R men writhe in their own smugness, down even to the lowest creature in the business, the label lawyer. None of these can be included, all being, as they are, subhuman.

( I just checked, and that list of "the order of things" is almost identical to the one Chris Owens posted here a while ago from the sisters' site. Since mine came from the heart, i must offer my life to the Gods for agreeing with the twat Andrew Elderberry about something.

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digital mike binoche wrote: Sorry Steve, it's Francis Wilson from sky news

How do I tell my kids,Santa is really a smug boring twat?:( it'll shatter their dreams:(

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MIKE will be a little late tonight as he cannot park his car at TESCO due to a famous person visiting the store!:eek:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Did see her but didn't get an autograph :cry:

Was it Debbie Harry?

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digital mike binoche wrote: Did see her but didn't get an autograph :cry:

was it jane horrocks with that daft old mum of her's ?

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She arrived in a suitcase.

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Steve Campbell wrote: Mrs Owens, chris is doing that thing with the cat and his keyboard again!!!!

:scratch: How would you be aware of the effects of this?

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GUTTED-just LOST my job!:laugh:

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Gross misconduct?

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Caught rimming the boss's cat?:shrug:

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Why would a professional CAT RIMMER get sacked for doing that?

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First bollocks post:

Luton Town to beat Liverpool in the third round of the FA Cup...

Oops - the missus will kill me for saying that...!

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But at least one person here will defend you against her.

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BIGINOIL wrote: But at least one person here will defend you against her.

Ahhh sport

kerclick....."PULL!"

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BIGINOIL wrote: Why would a professional CAT RIMMER get sacked for doing that?

Feline anal encrouchment is sadly going the way of the slide tackle in the modern game..Bosses have no option but to give a straight Red within the laws of the rim.....

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The UK snooker championship starts this weekend!

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No one puts on a live performance quite like The WAKE.

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Got NO soul but i'm not a SAILOR:thumb:

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I had spinach for dinner tonight. Will shit green tomorrow. Just thought you'd like to know.

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digital mike binoche wrote: Well Hello Sailor :evil4:

Seaman Stains reporting for duty CAPTAIN MikeUnwashed:scream:

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digital mike binoche wrote: Now that is Bollocks, good cyre for insomnia though :)

Someone should tell Steve Campbell...

On a separate note of bollocks; The bottoms of all my breakfast bananas were rotten today.

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since I am unclear as to the precise deliniation twixed breakfast and standard bananas, I feel ill prepaed to adequately respond to the above bout of bollox.

Howver, snooker doesn't work on me nothing does BUT, I DID sleep last night, that will mean that even if it all goes wrong again, I'll be able to actually put up with it til at least Sunday :)

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SHIT i hate WEEKENDS!Means i can't work.Doing anything good this weekend then?

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digital mike binoche wrote: Drinking Stella, Having a Curry and watching New Order:thumb:

So this is REAL LIFE -that is what MAGAZINE once asked.Have a great night then MIKE.I am MOVING my DVDs and CDs around in PLANET ROCKET.Then i am having BEANS on TOAST,listening to NEW ORDER and drinking CARLING.Saturday i am on the piss and SUNDAY will take care of itself.Sometimes i even BORE myself. WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN :hat:

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My names Mike, Digital Mike - Stella - Bottle not Can !

My names MICK,Rocket Mick -TAKEAWAY not take off.

SPONSERED BY KFC :lol:

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Ok then Dude!, but you still can't hang a man with a wooden leg

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The crux of the problem, Diggy me old china, is that you talk such unmitigated bollox with such alacritous aplomb, that the rest of us are left, dazed, dazzled ad indeed quite ill prepared to follow such a fine act.

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This thread is the WORST THREAD IN THE WORLD.........EVER.Apart from 43 TESCO threads and one about WORKING IN A WIGAN CASINO!

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I've been with Barristers all night. Very nice decent sort of people don't you think?

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Rocket Mick wrote: This thread is the WORST THREAD IN THE WORLD.........EVER.Apart from 43 TESCO threads and one about WORKING IN A WIGAN CASINO!

whats someone from wigan's idea of a balanced diet?

a pie in each hand :evil4:

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Wino wrote: I've been with Barristers all night. Very nice decent sort of people don't you think?

that depends, Do you still get a fiver for their heads at the post office?

( I hope you weren't working for them)

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Steve Campbell wrote:

Wino wrote: I've been with Barristers all night. Very nice decent sort of people don't you think?

that depends, Do you still get a fiver for their heads at the post office?

( I hope you weren't working for them)

Well, sort of working for them!

No, they were defending me in the case of stalking. No, I cooked for them actually, a very nice civil evening was had by all.........

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Wino wrote:

Steve Campbell wrote:

Wino wrote: I've been with Barristers all night. Very nice decent sort of people don't you think?

that depends, Do you still get a fiver for their heads at the post office?

( I hope you weren't working for them)

Well, sort of working for them!

No, they were defending me in the case of stalking. No, I cooked for them actually, a very nice civil evening was had by all.........

Where you called to the BAR?:lol:

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