People you work with

I fookin hate them. Singing about bloody christmas, and asking questions such as:

"What month is August?" "Is The Daily Star a newspaper?" "Do i have to declare this gift on our gifts register?"

and statments like:

"All cocaine makes you do is stop you getting bladdered and makes you waffle"

What a bunch of fucking idiots. But i'm sure someone can better this.

Lets share the idiocy.

I think anyone would have a hard time beating that coke comment.

But I worked in fucktard central...I'll have a think about it.

But then again, this is the same girl who last week stated that she had an abortion because she has a holiday booked for next July.

Liam, you are lying...please tell me you are lying

Uncle Liam wrote: But then again, this is the same girl who last week stated that she had an abortion because she has a holiday booked for next July.

Where do you work?

I have a gem from a couple of my (now ex) work colleagues. I used to work for Debenhams (on the home department) and I watched with amusement as they tried to fix a free standing lamp together. Thirty minutes later the lamp was up - but not on. 'Sam, this light won't work' they said. I suggested that maybe if they plugged it in, then it would work (as a joke). 'Oh yeah, we haven't plugged it in!!!'

Hmmmm.....

I work with a lad, another surveyor, who went to do a survey on a council house. A small woman opened the door and he asked her if her mummy was in.

Turns out she was a 55 year old midget!

Halfwit!

A finance company in stockport. i have just been warned for asking a girl (a different one, believe it or not) if she has a brain or does she simply choose not to use it.

My mate Cara at a party in American to an alibino African American...."Loads of black people here, you any black blood in ya then?"

(if u read that mixerman thing...Cara is "dumbass" except she's exceptionally talented....if you've heard "coming home to the sun" I think it's called By david Homes..that's her singin)

I need Leanne here, since she still actually works in fucktard central to remind me of the idiocy of the place. I've blocked it out. there is one lass who goess back to the same town in Turkey 2 or 3 times a year, just to shag her way through men there. Never a different country, town, or even street...same place. It's not like she goes out and enjoys the country...she sleeps all day, drinks for 8 hours the shags the nearest well hung Turk.

We have a security gaurd, not in the least affectionately known as "Dougal" after the thick priest of the same name...who when a car came up to the gates at 3am...phoned up to US to ask what to do.

more will come to me if i try, but the memories are too painful

Uncle Liam wrote: A finance company in stockport. i have just been warned for asking a girl (a different one, believe it or not) if she has a brain or does she simply choose not to use it.

a substitute teacher in jacksonville was caught snorting cocaine off the teacher's desk in a 7th grade science class this year. that shows real dedication.

See, not only is it the fact that these people are stupid, and that there are people from tribes in the amazon who havent yet been discovered by civilization that could do their jobs better, its that this stupidity is seems to get these people rewarded. Its the fact that these people are STILL employed in their positions, and yet when, and i say when, they fuck up, its my head that gets it. fucking brilliant.

Uncle Liam wrote: A finance company in stockport. i have just been warned for asking a girl (a different one, believe it or not) if she has a brain or does she simply choose not to use it.

LOL, I got a stern telling off for asking the same question of my line manager, in writing....in full on S. Campbell Stylee too.

I also got one for saving a record into the database containing.... "name: mr obnoxious ganch" "address: who cares he was a mong"

A letter actually came back from the client asking "what is a mong"

A co-worker was fired for telling his ex, who also worked there, that she should have gotten a boob job instead of braces.

Ahhh work place harrassment laws...love em...let's hand all the spiteful retards a gun.

(not saying, y'know...y'know)

Hey Liam- get this. Ohh Mr Sayer- you look a bit rough today, well it was the Darlo Order X-mas night out last night- went to see Doves. WHO??? What sound of a name is that, never seem them on tv, etc. etc.... 'Well what class things are you going to' (i asked). A fucking Abba tribute band came the reply. So yes Liam- I also work with a bunch of cunts.

I had Mogwai on in my room the other day (whom i f**king love) & 2 people commented that i need help if i can listen to that racket. Surrounded by cocknoses each one up each others arse. Twats- DIE all :D

You could work for this guy. 14 December 2005 YOU FAT BITCH Boss abused me every day axed worker tells tribunal By Richard Smith A WOMAN was sacked after enduring daily sexual torment from her boss who branded her a "fat, fiery Sicilian bitch", a tribunal heard yesterday.

Telesales worker Maria Maniglia, 40, claimed managing director Robert Clarke buried his head in her breasts, hit her bottom and put hardcore porn on her office computer.

The mum-of-two told the employment tribunal: "He would call himself the lord and master and called people his bitches. I tolerated it every day."

Maria was sacked after she walked out in disgust at IT firm Fokus Systems in Box, Wilts. The final straw came in July in a row over personal calls.

Maria said: "He told me 'If you don't stop using that phone your bitch-ass will be fired - bitch'."

A second telesales worker, Emma Dodds, 23, told the Bristol hearing Clarke began commenting on her figure when she became pregnant and made lewd comments.

She said: "He asked if I'd had sex that night."

She also alleged Clarke once opened a toilet door while she was using it.

Emma said she was fired in May when she refused to join in with a dirty phone call from her boss.

Engaged Clarke, 39, denied downloading porn but said adult films were often swapped by workers.

He also said there was never any inappropriate touching but added: "I admit sometimes calling people bitches. It was just harmless office banter."

The panel reserved its judgment on Maria's claim of unfair dismissal and sex discrimination until next month.

UK Mirror

someone at work told me tonight becuase i Like New Order i need to 'get with it'

she likes System of a down, the argument didn't last long, i won

someone at work told me tonight becuase i Like New Order i need to 'get with it'

she likes System of a down, the argument didn't last long, i won

patrick stewart appreciation society wrote: someone at work told me tonight becuase i Like New Order i need to 'get with it'

she likes System of a down, the argument didn't last long, i won

What a downer,two arguements in the same night.People i WORK with.........few and far between!

Uncle Liam wrote: See, not only is it the fact that these people are stupid, and that there are people from tribes in the amazon who havent yet been discovered by civilization that could do their jobs better, its that this stupidity is seems to get these people rewarded. Its the fact that these people are STILL employed in their positions, and yet when, and i say when, they fuck up, its my head that gets it. fucking brilliant.

hmmm & you say they're the stupid ones?

i like the people i work with - even if most have them haven't heard of half the bands i go to see. (makes them very similar to shug in my book!)

A fella I used to work with at the ole W-D was more frightening than funny. He was in his mid-thirties, still lived with his parents, and apparently had the ambition in life of snapping pictures of the cashiers's buttocks while they were working.

And one of my new co-workers has man-boobs, that he apparently enjoys rubbing together at the drop of a hat

And one of my new co-workers has man-boobs, that he apparently enjoys rubbing together at the drop of a hat eek!

Family BUISNESS then?

patrick stewart appreciation society wrote: someone at work told me tonight becuase i Like New Order i need to 'get with it'

she likes System of a down, the argument didn't last long, i won

Never had you down for someone with a good right hook. Well done!

Rocket Mick wrote: And one of my new co-workers has man-boobs, that he apparently enjoys rubbing together at the drop of a hat eek!

Family BUISNESS then?

I only heard about it. My friend at work who told me the story wasn't so fortunate :barf:

Steve Campbell wrote:

patrick stewart appreciation society wrote: someone at work told me tonight becuase i Like New Order i need to 'get with it'

she likes System of a down, the argument didn't last long, i won

Never had you down for someone with a good right hook. Well done!

i'm left handed, so it'd be a left hook

depends if you're southpaw, if it's your leading punch, or part of a acombination though really...

a lad I work with says he went home one day and his wife was bent over cleaning a cupboard out...He continued"I could'nt resist,so I dropped me trousers and lifted her skirt....turns out it was only the fuckin Mother-in-law" :rip:

hibster wrote: depends if you're southpaw, if it's your leading punch, or part of a acombination though really...

well my right hand is practically useless, i don't use it for anything unless it needs two hands

you lie sir you lie :)

BRF that is

patrick stewart appreciation society wrote:

hibster wrote: depends if you're southpaw, if it's your leading punch, or part of a acombination though really...

well my right hand is practically useless, i don't use it for anything unless it needs two hands

Spare a thought for Jeremy Beadle, his winter gloves bill alone, is double yours..

jeremy beadle has a tiny penis too. but on the other hand.....

Steve Campbell wrote: you lie sir you lie :)

BRF that is

I knew he was lying..duh! I work with 200+ gobshites,you know...

yeah, like your mother in law would ever come round to do the cleaning

Tho he wears jam jar glasses... so you can never tell

When I worked at Dairy Queen, a guy I worked with would go to a convience store on the same block and come back with a stale bag of cookies or an old hoagie and a porn mag. Also, when a girl selling bootlegged movies would come by, he would always buy a porno from her. Once, he, a girl who was 16, and I were working a shift. This guy brings out one of his porn mags that he keeps around the store and he started reading it as he was standing behind the counter. I told him to put it away because a customer might see and that, by law, he was corrupting a minor. He refused to do so, even though I said told him that if he really had to look at porn, he could look at it in the back. The moron then tells me, because he thinks he's a supervisor, to go to the bank and get $80 in quarters. On the way, I stop by the other store the manager owns and find the assistant manager and tell her that he's looking at porn where customers could see him. When I come back to the store with the quarters, he starts yelling at me that I told the assistant manager on him. I replied that if you're going to look at porn, look at it in the back -- where customers and minors can't see you.

All well and good I agree with you. But did you really communicate with him in that dickwad way....or was it human?

"put the fookin wankrag away ya daft cunt what are ya tryin to do"

Don't be offended by the question, I am aware people are increasingly being forced to speak like a moron and say as much as possible carrying as little meaning etc...I'm just askin you the question cos I'm thinking...I probably wouldn'y have say and tripple guessed myself into corporate-bollox...I just woulda told the guy, humourously at first, to get a grip, and increased inseverity until I did what you did, or just screamed so hard at the guy he hit me. I should NEVER be allowed into a room where people speak in that odd way....they always look at me like I'm retarded cos I speak sentences with meaning(yes there was an occassion in 1989 when I said something valid and important...but I was pissed out of my mind at the time and forgot it) and query answers devoid of it.

What is WORK? :D

Comrade Shampanyov wrote: What is WORK? :D

It's just another four-letter word :p

Motherworker! :p

Well I work at a record store and OMG there are moments where I wonder if I work at "Empire Records" or "Spinal Tap"

ok guy named Adam, 24-total waste case (I called him Beavis-it fit)

well he was at the front counter and said how our store was the most expensive store in the area and how when he shopped our store was always his last resort. Anyone in ear shot could hear him

I said "if you're smart you do not trash the place where you work like that" I then walked off counted to 20 so Adamm was not killed & told my manager. I try to be professional. Anyone who does do their job makes my job harder-BIG pet peeve

Steve Campbell wrote: All well and good I agree with you. But did you really communicate with him in that dickwad way....or was it human?

"put the fookin wankrag away ya daft cunt what are ya tryin to do"

Don't be offended by the question, I am aware people are increasingly being forced to speak like a moron and say as much as possible carrying as little meaning etc...I'm just askin you the question cos I'm thinking...I probably wouldn'y have say and tripple guessed myself into corporate-bollox...I just woulda told the guy, humourously at first, to get a grip, and increased inseverity until I did what you did, or just screamed so hard at the guy he hit me. I should NEVER be allowed into a room where people speak in that odd way....they always look at me like I'm retarded cos I speak sentences with meaning(yes there was an occassion in 1989 when I said something valid and important...but I was pissed out of my mind at the time and forgot it) and query answers devoid of it.

No, I didn't say it politely or anything along that line. I probably said, "Yo, Larry, put that porn shit away. Ya fuckin' moron - don't you know the customers will see you?"

But this wasn't an isolated incident. This guy flaunted his porn several times a week at work. He even brought a portable DVD player once to work to watch one of the pornos he bought.

Boatraceface wrote: a lad I work with says he went home one day and his wife was bent over cleaning a cupboard out...He continued"I could'nt resist,so I dropped me trousers and lifted her skirt....turns out it was only the fuckin Mother-in-law" :rip:

Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This blue-eyed boy that wants to be wrote:

No, I didn't say it politely or anything along that line. I probably said, "Yo, Larry, put that porn shit away. Ya fuckin' moron - don't you know the customers will see you?"

But this wasn't an isolated incident. This guy flaunted his porn several times a week at work. He even brought a portable DVD player once to work to watch one of the pornos he bought.

You should have called him a dirty bastard who needs to get laid.

Something definitely wrong if you need to view porn at work, especially if work is at Dairy Queen.

Nothing to do with workplace stupidity, but we have two systems engineers here called Jonathon King and Michael Jackson. By some fluke, they have both been assigned to work on the Skynet 5 project, or 'Paedo-sat' as it's now known to us on the shop floor.

today the people i work with made me go for an interview for my job, yes they decided to downsize our section, and only our section. tomorrow i'm supposed to go to christmas lunch with these people.

more words of wisdom:

"i didnt know you could cook potatoes in the oven"

Here is an absolute classic........... picture the scene.... Chef with knife in hand, falls to the floor hits head on calor gas cannister from barbecue - goes unconcious; co-worker walks in.......

Meantime, the 'victim' has stood up again, totally unaware of the fact that they have blood running down their face and dropping into the tortilla wraps...... Why will become clear later.

'F*** me you're dripping blood on the food.............' Move out of the way - quick! 'Oh, by the way - how many more have you got to make cos we need to go in an hour....! 'I'll ring j (a member of staff) to come in - go and stand over there so you don't bleed on anything else...'

Company next door ring the ambulance. Victim has 26 stitches in head.

Victim - epileptic. Co-worker - Co Director - oh yes, and Husband.

Nice eh?

Beat that!

I cant vouch for the authenticity of this one coz it comes from a 'trusted sources' brother...

But 'said source' was working in a supermarket during 9-11.

And overheard a colleague say (about the people that threw themselves out of the building(s))

"I would have rather took my chance running through the fire than jumping out of the window"

Sometimes you have to wonder why god made some people so stupid.

But then you realise if it wasnt for stupid people there wouldnt be clever people.

Just like if it wasnt for Depeche Mode there wouldnt be a New Order.

And if it wasnt for Luton, there would be no Man United eh Al? ....

:edit: Hierachy ROCKS

Actually heard by my ears: "why do anchovies taste of fish"

We used to keep an idiot board in my room/studio and anyone, be they mate or payin client, who said anything moronic like the above was handed a pen and ordered to record their shame. WISH I could remember more of it.

When I manned passport lines...people used to actually lose the plot because I couldn't bypass all the security procedures, wake up the printing room, make a passport (with no picture or other documentation to hand), invent the matter transporter, and beam the fucking thing to Gatwick at 5am. (tip...more stupid people fly from Gatwick...maybe some of the londonorder could enlighten me as to what that might entail for regional idiocy.)

Wino...this chef....she wouldn't have been a stunning and stylish mature woman (much as in the style of honour blackman) with a taste for fine wines?

I seriously hope all of these are made up.

Barney Army wrote: I cant vouch for the authenticity of this one coz it comes from a 'trusted sources' brother...

But 'said source' was working in a supermarket during 9-11.

And overheard a colleague say (about the people that threw themselves out of the building(s))

"I would have rather took my chance running through the fire than jumping out of the window"

Sometimes you have to wonder why god made some people so stupid.

But then you realise if it wasnt for stupid people there wouldnt be clever people.

:edit: Hierachy ROCKS

50% of people are below average intelligence.

Just started working in retail and have never been encouraged to speak so much shit in my life. When you go into a store, you want to browse, no? I'm supposed to ambush you as you come in and engage you in a conversation to establish a rapport (careful to pronounce the T, like my boss does) wants and needs. And I have to do it, because they are all watching me like a hawk, coming up to me after each customer and evaluating my performance. Get this - we get into trouble if we say "How can I help you'. We are supposed to say 'What brings you to the store today'. Like hell. I'm only a xmas casual - so after Jan 16 I am outta there. Meanwhile, they are only giving me 3 hours a week. In anyone's books, that SUCKS.

mil wrote: Just started working in retail and have never been encouraged to speak so much shit in my life. When you go into a store, you want to browse, no? I'm supposed to ambush you as you come in and engage you in a conversation to establish a rapport (careful to pronounce the T, like my boss does) wants and needs. And I have to do it, because they are all watching me like a hawk, coming up to me after each customer and evaluating my performance. Get this - we get into trouble if we say "How can I help you'. We are supposed to say 'What brings you to the store today'. Like hell. I'm only a xmas casual - so after Jan 16 I am outta there. Meanwhile, they are only giving me 3 hours a week. In anyone's books, that SUCKS.

AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

moron boss AND enforced corporate newspeak FUCK THAT!

my boss at the passport place repeated 17 times to a caller one night that she should call without an appointment ( an ass kicking offence in itself) to the passport office in Cardiff.

Anyone spot that? no? Well that's cos you're not a line manager in the UKPS's fucking call centre....if you were you would know, as any failed hairdressor on the headsets 9-5 knows...the welsh office is in Newport. That didn't get him sacked. He hung up on a caller making an official complaint against him THREE times..then managed to get the blame landed on my mate because....he answered the first original incomming call.

I have to stop because I could actualy get the place closed down and I still have mates who need their workhouse job (hell I'll be back there if they ever fix me)

Christopher Owens wrote: I seriously hope all of these are made up.

so do I

but unforch....not

these people DO EXIST

not a problem though..

they are just here to entertain us.

Whilst working on cruise ships a number of inane questions from passengers, some witnessed some possibly apocryphal.

"Do these stairs go up or down?"

"What time is the midnight buffet?"

On being told that it was sea water in the ships pool, "Oh of course, its got waves in it!"

On noticing in port that the radar on the mast was not revolving "Why is the outside air conditioning turned off?"

A young American passenger determined to prove that Americans were not shite at geography after being unable to locate the UK on a map on being shown the location declaring "Don't be stupid that's an island!"

And one from this side of the world. Video tapes of the latest hollywood movies are all overdubbed in Russian, one older guy I worked with asked me how we understood the movies in England if nobody spoke russian!

I always said the Russians and the Irish shared a common thread of logic.

As for the ship....look at it this way...if you run aground or loose all power....you'll be ok for bags of chum (rubby duuby/grondbait). Obviously use something more palletable for hooky bait[1]...say rancid tins of tuna.

EDIT: mil... "what brings you to the store today?" Good mood: "my legs same as most days" Bad mood: "Just looking for the right place to start my random killing spree, as a sales assistant would care to advise me"

And if I just pop in to look something over...and I get pounced, I fight back...I get all excited and take up ages of their times, making them get manuals and all from store rooms to look up obscure specs (be nice if shops employed persons with clue No.1 about the products they sell, or maybe trained them). I get them all hyped up ( works really well where te vultures are on commission) for a huge sale and then hit em with....depending on mood. "better check with my GF" or "do you do credit for people on day release" or just "thanks for showing me that, I'd love one but it's WAY outside my price range...i'll take a blank video cassette but"

Steve Campbell: ProCunt

[1] or even hook bait....amusing typo tho.....hooky bait....hmmmmm a BIG bass amp would catch him ....difficult to fish a rig like that but.

This thread has cheered me up no end

I have to say, I’ve never worked with any really stupid people, and I’ve never come across any grade A idiots in the workplace either. I have worked in some very shitty places though – only cause of the menial jobs though – not the people.

Years ago, I decided to go to England on my vacation; one of my co-workers was discussing my trip with me, and asked if I speak the language.

Comrade Shampanyov wrote: Years ago, I decided to go to England on my vacation; one of my co-workers was discussing my trip with me, and asked if I speak the language.

And do you?

I believe people of the good comrade's tribe have a rudimentary grasp of a type of simplfied dialect called "us English"

Wino...this chef....she wouldn't have been a stunning and stylish mature woman (much as in the style of honour blackman) with a taste for fine wines?

No you fool!!!! - it was me!

Steve Campbell wrote: I believe people of the good comrade's tribe have a rudimentary grasp of a type of simplfied dialect called "us English"

Hey! I received compliments on my English while I was there!

Postal clerk: "You speak English well." Blue Order/Comrade Shampanyov: "I should, I'm American"! Postal Clerk: "You don't sound American..."

Steve Campbell wrote: I always said the Russians and the Irish shared a common thread of logic.

As for the ship....look at it this way...if you run aground or loose all power....you'll be ok for bags of chum (rubby duuby/grondbait). Obviously use something more palletable for hooky bait[1]...say rancid tins of tuna.

EDIT: mil... "what brings you to the store today?" Good mood: "my legs same as most days" Bad mood: "Just looking for the right place to start my random killing spree, as a sales assistant would care to advise me"

Steve Campbell: ProCunt

[1] or even hook bait....amusing typo tho.....hooky bait....hmmmmm a BIG bass amp would catch him ....difficult to fish a rig like that but.

I've been waiting for someone to say 'my legs' but they haven't yet. All my friends have when I told them thats what I have to say - I bet all the customers are thinking it though. I don't say it when my boss isn't watching.

Comrade Shampanyov wrote:

Steve Campbell wrote: I believe people of the good comrade's tribe have a rudimentary grasp of a type of simplfied dialect called "us English"

Hey! I received compliments on my English while I was there!

Postal clerk: "You speak English well." Blue Order/Comrade Shampanyov: "I should, I'm American"! Postal Clerk: "You don't sound American..."

But, what, really, is American English? Southerners sound different from urban northerns who sound different from those out on the west coast. At my university, even though it's geographically not far from where I was born, other students and teachers comment on my accent: "Were you born in a city? You do sound like you have a bit of an urban accent." Nevertheless, English is English - and on the page, an urban American's English shouldn't be any different from that of someone from the UK or New Zealand.

When I worked at ASDA on their crappy graduate scheme, an initiative was introduced called 'Right People-Right Place-Right Time'.

Whilst in a management meeting, the store manager (called GSM in the 'trade') briefed us on it. All bar one got it immediately except for our Grocery Manager who said "have I got this right? Are you telling me, that if I have the right number of staff in the right areas of the business at the right time of day, my department productivity will go up?".

Store Manager "yeah, that's right Dave" (with a look of total bewilderment on his face). I kid you not. You get some right muppets in retail...