Claims to Fame...

Here are my boner-fide, 100% true claims to fame:

1. I have been rimmed by Michael Parkinson, several minor royals, and the sports editor of the "Market Drayton Advertiser"

2. I have been to the Hawthorns but have never inserted hawthorns up my arse.

3. I have never been to Maidstone, Basingstoke, or Plymouth.

4. I know what Neil Warnock's cock tastes like (clue: indescribably foul)

5. I once gargled the seminal fluid of eight men for 3 hours and 27 minutes (and 34 seconds), but could only swallow half of it.

6. I have inserted various legumes up Jeff's arse, but never a marrow or brussel sprouts.

7. I once saw a film in which a man had 'sex' with a chicken.

8. I helped Colin decorate his flat in Aberdeen using our combined speciality "thick, glossy paint".

9. I have eight claims to fame that are legally possible to claim in the public sphere.

Anyone else?

Amazingly this thread hasn't yet been blocked at work... So it must be true...

Snorri xxx

Of course they're true, infidel!!

10. I know 87 different terms for vaginal secretions, excluding "fanny batter".

You want to get on the word association thread then... Plenty of scope for using them there...

Snorri xxx

I once met Rocket Mick. No wait that was a dream.

NOOLigan wrote: I once met Rocket Mick. No wait that was a dream.

Wet?

Snorri xxx

Word association? That's all a bit "last week", innit??

11. I once got a dubious infection from having pungent llama shit trapped in my urethra.

Snorrimon wrote:

NOOLigan wrote: I once met Rocket Mick. No wait that was a dream.

Wet?

Snorri xxx

I had to change the sheets.

1, My car used to be owned by the chairman of Aberdeen FC.

2, I have shagged one (1) goth.

2, I have also shagged one (1) lay-dee who was once on Top of the Pops when she was at number one in the pop charts.

3, I am Biginoil.

4, I went to the pub last night, despite it being a Monday.

5, My correct title is Reverend, as I was ordained in an internet ceremony some years ago. Robbie Williams has the same honour.

6, (Inspired by Frad's no 10) I swear like a trooper.

Dionne Warwick's Coke Habit wrote: 1, My car used to be owned by the chairman of Aberdeen FC.

2, I have shagged one (1) goth.

2, I have also shagged one (1) lay-dee who was once on Top of the Pops when she was at number one in the pop charts.

3, I am Biginoil.

4, I went to the pub last night, despite it being a Monday.

5, My correct title is Reverend, as I was ordained in an internet ceremony some years ago. Robbie Williams has the same honour.

Plese tell me it was either (a) Carol Decker or (b) that lass from Dee-Lite???

It was indeed either Carol Decker or the one from Dee Lite.

Or maybe it was her who sang the Top Gun theme. I was obsessed with her.

You could say she 'took my breath away'.

(See what I did there?)

You're being much too coy for this thread, Rev. Torr.

Please therefore tell us (a) did she take it up the wrong 'un, and (b) did she have a tasty fanny (ie - lasagne? burger? cheese on toast? britvic orange? lobster? etc?)

This thread still hasn't been blocked... You'll have to try harder lads...

Snorri xxx

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: You're being much too coy for this thread, Rev. Torr.

Please therefore tell us (a) did she take it up the wrong 'un, and (b) did she have a tasty fanny (ie - lasagne? burger? cheese on toast? britvic orange? lobster? etc?)

Did ye put yer purple-headed love monster up her ladybum...

Snorrimon wrote: This thread still hasn't been blocked... You'll have to try harder lads...

Snorri xxx

Do flesh coloured images work?

Crikey!! What is that whole snake/lass thing?? Like in "Blade Runner".....????

Anyway:

12. My real name is Larry Spunkbubble.

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Crikey!! What is that whole snake/lass thing?? Like in "Blade Runner".....????

Anyway:

12. My real name is Larry Spunkbubble.

That is my new favorite Canadian/Australian Tara Moss. She's a former model. As an author she is a bit hit and miss. I believe those pix are from Spanish Playboy.

I am Nooligan and am on many a NOOLer's hate list. In a former life I met a few Prime Ministers and wrote two chapters of the Australian Bureau of Statistics' annual Yearbook. I should have died on four occasions, but I can not die. I'm sure there's more like getting drunk with Australian singer Paul Kelly on the ANU fire escape stairs, but I can't be fooked to try and remember.

NOOLigan wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Crikey!! What is that whole snake/lass thing?? Like in "Blade Runner".....????

Anyway:

12. My real name is Larry Spunkbubble.

That is my new favorite Canadian/Australian Tara Moss. She's a former model. As an author she is a bit hit and miss. I believe those pix are from Spanish Playboy.

Yes, but does she take it up the wrong 'un?

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

NOOLigan wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Crikey!! What is that whole snake/lass thing?? Like in "Blade Runner".....????

Anyway:

12. My real name is Larry Spunkbubble.

That is my new favorite Canadian/Australian Tara Moss. She's a former model. As an author she is a bit hit and miss. I believe those pix are from Spanish Playboy.

Yes, but does she take it up the wrong 'un?

Um you'd better read her books then. ;) She is quite kinky.

Snorrie. Is this thread fucked for you yet?

I once made my ringpiece available to the entire New Zealand rugby team.

When I was 12 I seduced Princess Anne and Maggie Thatch for a deeply despicable threesome.

I am responsible for 75% of missing cats on the island of Ireland (they're SO fragile).

I have successfully suicide bombed a unisex hairdressers, 3 times.

I plan to destroy the world using only paris hilton's mouldy yet capacious cuntflaps.

I once had a coherent conversation with Jemma after 2 bottles of Shiraz.

(OK, one of them's a lie)

Good work, Steve. I've now got a semi-lob on and a little bit of jizz has just seeped out.

Glad you avoided any techno-bobbins. That's a one-way ticket to floppy-cock land as far as I'm concerned.

10. I know 87 different terms for vaginal secretions, excluding "fanny batter".

What are the other 86?

I would never discuss the taste of a lady's soup with anyone. I am a gentleman.

I am, however, happy to disclose that the pop star's pubes were the colour of Tango.

I have another claim to fame. When the statue of Prince Hal that stands in centre of Stratford was damaged by vandals, the sculptor who repaired it modeled Hal's by copying my own pert example.

Or was it Falstaf's belly?

Digi Mike wrote:

10. I know 87 different terms for vaginal secretions, excluding "fanny batter".

What are the other 86?

This is sacred and arcane knowledge, Mike. You have to suck me off once for each term.

It'll be worth it.

The tesco bomb threat bloke was in court last week.i now know who he is.he was brought up round the corner from me.his brother was in a local punk band called 'schoolgirl bitch' in 1977. anyway he beat me up when i was a kid!!.so does that count has a claim to fame ?

Can someone provide me with a summary of the second half of page 1 of this thread, as I'm suffering from blockage... Keep it clean and I'll make it worth your while...

Snorri xxx

banshee wrote: The tesco bomb threat bloke was in court last week.i now know who he is.he was brought up round the corner from me.his brother was in a local punk band called 'schoolgirl bitch' in 1977. anyway he beat me up when i was a kid!!.so does that count has a claim to fame ?

That depends, Bansh. Did he wank all over your face as well?

Snorrimon wrote: Can someone provide me with a summary of the second half of page 1 of this thread, as I'm suffering from blockage... Keep it clean and I'll make it worth your while...

Snorri xxx

Theyre talkin about ye mate

Snorrimon wrote: Can someone provide me with a summary of the second half of page 1 of this thread, as I'm suffering from blockage... Keep it clean and I'll make it worth your while...

Snorri xxx

so we fucked it for you.

Good night.

1. i sat through all three-plus hours of "caligula."

2. i was an extra in a jean-claude van damme film (i played a nun during a fight sequence).

3. i once lost ten pounds in one day (cholera).

Buffster - you've got to say something about either (i) fanny batter, (ii) your penchant for anal sex, or (iii) the last time someone jizzed all over you.

Otherwise you're missing the point.

Jeffari-al-Texani wrote: Rocket Mick stole my ruck sack. I lit Hooky's fag. I worked for an NHL franchise when they won the Stanley Cup. I watched the entire 2 girls 1 cup video.

so...erm...really nothing then...

FFS - you've become a right cunt since you changed your name back. Pay attention:

I sucked Hooky's sack. I took it up the arse from everyone in the NHL franchsie when they won the Stanley Cup. I got fucked by two girls with huge strap-ons and it was recorded on video for my boyfriends' viewing pleasure.

OK?

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Buffster - you've got to say something about either (i) fanny batter, (ii) your penchant for anal sex, or (iii) the last time someone jizzed all over you.

Otherwise you're missing the point.

i don't feel like talking about love juice today....

AgentWood wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Buffster - you've got to say something about either (i) fanny batter, (ii) your penchant for anal sex, or (iii) the last time someone jizzed all over you.

Otherwise you're missing the point.

i don't feel like talking about love juice today....

What about fish sauce?

Jeffari-al-Texani wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Jeffari-al-Texani wrote: Rocket Mick stole my ruck sack. I lit Hooky's fag. I worked for an NHL franchise when they won the Stanley Cup. I watched the entire 2 girls 1 cup video.

so...erm...really nothing then...

FFS - you've become a right cunt since you changed your name back. Pay attention:

I sucked Hooky's sack. I took it up the arse from everyone in the NHL franchsie when they won the Stanley Cup. I got fucked by two girls with huge strap-ons and it was recorded on video for my boyfriends' viewing pleasure.

OK?

I sat through a Morrissey concert so I could jizz all over a girls tits...

is that better??

That depends. Is it a true story? And are you going to change your username to "Mozzer made me jizz on a girl's tits?"

Malcolm McDowell's Tattered Foreskin wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Jeffari-al-Texani wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Jeffari-al-Texani wrote: Rocket Mick stole my ruck sack. I lit Hooky's fag. I worked for an NHL franchise when they won the Stanley Cup. I watched the entire 2 girls 1 cup video.

so...erm...really nothing then...

FFS - you've become a right cunt since you changed your name back. Pay attention:

I sucked Hooky's sack. I took it up the arse from everyone in the NHL franchsie when they won the Stanley Cup. I got fucked by two girls with huge strap-ons and it was recorded on video for my boyfriends' viewing pleasure.

OK?

I sat through a Morrissey concert so I could jizz all over a girls tits...

is that better??

That depends. Is it a true story? And are you going to change your username to "Mozzer made me jizz on a girl's tits?"

Erm...it's somewhat true...I tried to jizz in her bum, but the rohypnol wasn't strong enough...

I LOVE YOU AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Here, have some cross-Atlantic jizz!!!!!!!!

Malcolm McDowell's Tattered Foreskin wrote: mmm...tasty...

can you aim it at my chocolate starfish???

Spread it wide then. And don't poop.

Not like last time....

Yeah, but you're my poop slut. Of all the stars in the sky your chocolate star is my favourite.....

I know. I've got all the lines. AND all the moves.

BTW, Malc - why's your foreskin so tattered? Is it something to do with Boaty????

I ply random people with alcohol, bring them to my lair and then strap on my nobbler 2000 and roger them to with in an inch (or 12) of their lives...

once I randomly buggered Ester Ransom

dominxatrix wrote: I ply random people with alcohol, bring them to my lair and then strap on my nobbler 2000 and roger them to with in an inch (or 12) of their lives...

once I randomly buggered Ester Ransom

FUCK ME JESUS THIS IS A QUITE MAGNIFICENT LADYBOY WHO REALLY KNOWS THE SCORE!!!!!

However, lose one spunk-point for not being able to spell "Esther".

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

dominxatrix wrote: I ply random people with alcohol, bring them to my lair and then strap on my nobbler 2000 and roger them to with in an inch (or 12) of their lives...

once I randomly buggered Ester Ransom

FUCK ME JESUS THIS IS A QUITE MAGNIFICENT LADYBOY WHO REALLY KNOWS THE SCORE!!!!!

However, lose one spunk-point for not being able to spell "Esther".

It was hard to hear her spell her name while she was biting down on the pillow

interesting fact she wanted me to shove amusingly shaped vegetables up her musty muff....

I obliged and added a few bits of fruit for the hell of it

Superb stuff!!!

That's life, for sure!!! Always wanted to shove a large melon up her her shitbox. A canteloupe perhaps?

A pineapple would really do the job, though. Or maybe an award-winning squash.

Tell you what, we ought to do this with all those posh BBC newsreader lassies. You know how posh girls work....

I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

I'll give her your number... she's a bit worn now though, practically ripped her a new one What a go-er

Reverend Big wrote: I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

I don't know about that she was all about the dong she did a cute trick with ping pong balls though... nearly had my eye out

Reverend Big wrote: I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

Did she have a number one? Or was it did a number one???!!

Anyway, was she the famous lass you (k)nobbed?

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Reverend Big wrote: I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

Did she have a number one? Or was it did a number one???!!

Anyway, was she the famous lass you (k)nobbed?

Didnt Alison Moyet have a number one in the Eighties?

Burt Reynolds wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Reverend Big wrote: I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

Did she have a number one? Or was it did a number one???!!

Anyway, was she the famous lass you (k)nobbed?

Didnt Alison Moyet have a number one in the Eighties?

I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks did as well.

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Burt Reynolds wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Reverend Big wrote: I know a great rumour about that Natasha Kerplinsky woman being a lesbian, but I can't repeat it or the person that told me will shout at me.

Did she have a number one? Or was it did a number one???!!

Anyway, was she the famous lass you (k)nobbed?

Didnt Alison Moyet have a number one in the Eighties?

I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks did as well.

Now, he, would have had trouble flushing.

Have seen both the head coach of the local high school state championship team, as well as a prominent local businessman, naked, though there were no fluids swapped. I draw the line at underage boys in the case of the former, and I wasn't sure how the chlorinated water in the hot tub would figure in the latter.

Spent the night in a hotel room with Jeff once.............but I don't recall if any "alien invaders" tried to get past anybody's bomb bay doors......

there was another one that involved high school girls, alcohol, and a Traci Lords porno......but all I can recall about that is the rash I got afterward. Yeah, just like that.

Traci Lords' Fake ID wrote: Have seen both the head coach of the local high school state championship team, as well as a prominent local businessman, naked, though there were no fluids swapped. I draw the line at underage boys in the case of the former, and I wasn't sure how the chlorinated water in the hot tub would figure in the latter.

Spent the night in a hotel room with Jeff once.............but I don't recall if any "alien invaders" tried to get past anybody's bomb bay doors......

there was another one that involved high school girls, alcohol, and a Traci Lords porno......but all I can recall about that is the rash I got afterward. Yeah, just like that.

Mate, that's almost a great name. How's about "Traci Lord's Inevitable Anally-induced Prolapse" as a much better substitute???

I nominate this for thread of the year and will greedily drain the ballsack, vaginal reservoirs,bladders and/or bowells of any and all who support me in this endeavour.

BTW, as the doctor, I once kept Davros as my gimp for 375 years, his wisened body was great, and he's totally paralysed, so I could go in under that Dalek base chair and fiddly and diddle to my heart's content. Best time was when we got him of on the table and me and 3 Daleks, and an ogron took turns fisting him (his nipsy was well mangled in the accident so it's pretty red raw to start with), while two sontarans furiously wanked and came GALONS over us all....interesting that was, at least now I know what that vent on the back of their neck is so tender!!!!!!!!

Traci Lords' Fake ID wrote: Spent the night in a hotel room with Jeff once.............but I don't recall if any "alien invaders" tried to get past anybody's bomb bay doors......

No chloroform swabs, in the bin?

Doctor? wrote: I nominate this for thread of the year and will greedily drain the ballsack, vaginal reservoirs,bladders and/or bowells of any and all who support me in this endeavour.

BTW, as the doctor, I once kept Davros as my gimp for 375 years, his wisened body was great, and he's totally paralysed, so I could go in under that Dalek base chair and fiddly and diddle to my heart's content. Best time was when we got him of on the table and me and 3 Daleks, and an ogron took turns fisting him (his nipsy was well mangled in the accident so it's pretty red raw to start with), while two sontarans furiously wanked and came GALONS over us all....interesting that was, at least now I know what that vent on the back of their neck is so tender!!!!!!!!

Doesn't Davros smell, like, really bad??

I can not die. I should have died on four occasions, but here I am. Then again I seem to be stuck in Neighbours, so who knows where I am.

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

Doctor? wrote: I nominate this for thread of the year and will greedily drain the ballsack, vaginal reservoirs,bladders and/or bowells of any and all who support me in this endeavour.

BTW, as the doctor, I once kept Davros as my gimp for 375 years, his wisened body was great, and he's totally paralysed, so I could go in under that Dalek base chair and fiddly and diddle to my heart's content. Best time was when we got him of on the table and me and 3 Daleks, and an ogron took turns fisting him (his nipsy was well mangled in the accident so it's pretty red raw to start with), while two sontarans furiously wanked and came GALONS over us all....interesting that was, at least now I know what that vent on the back of their neck is so tender!!!!!!!!

Doesn't Davros smell, like, really bad??

He does now ;)

i once bummed kylie minogue to death, twice

old lead foot wrote: i once bummed kylie minogue to death, twice

Much respec'. Tell me, old leaden bell-end, I've always imagined, despite her diminutive stature, that Kylie had a right gaping welly-top for a flange? I understand you took her via the tradesman's, but can you confirm or deny my speculation??

Many thanks in advance,

TPLT.xxx

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

dominxatrix wrote:

once I randomly buggered Ester Ransom

However, lose one spunk-point for not being able to spell "Esther".

And another for Rantzen

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

old lead foot wrote: i once bummed kylie minogue to death, twice

Much respec'. Tell me, old leaden bell-end, I've always imagined, despite her diminutive stature, that Kylie had a right gaping welly-top for a flange? I understand you took her via the tradesman's, but can you confirm or deny my speculation??

Many thanks in advance,

TPLT.xxx

yes i can confirm she had rather huge beef curtains for such a small lass but took my inflated manhood like a proper goer

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

old lead foot wrote: i once bummed kylie minogue to death, twice

Much respec'. Tell me, old leaden bell-end, I've always imagined, despite her diminutive stature, that Kylie had a right gaping welly-top for a flange? I understand you took her via the tradesman's, but can you confirm or deny my speculation??

Many thanks in advance,

TPLT.xxx

yes i can confirm she had rather huge beef curtains for such a small lass but took my inflated manhood like a proper goer

Ah, may thanks for that. Ever thought about getting a tattoo as a memento? Something along the lines of "I saw Kylie's meaty pissflaps whilst poking her in the Gary Glitter"?

I think it'd look fabulous.

Yes and we could all have them that said "It's true, he told us all about it on Neworderonline.com"

I'm having the Ceremony dog under mine

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

old lead foot wrote: i once bummed kylie minogue to death, twice

Much respec'. Tell me, old leaden bell-end, I've always imagined, despite her diminutive stature, that Kylie had a right gaping welly-top for a flange? I understand you took her via the tradesman's, but can you confirm or deny my speculation??

Many thanks in advance,

TPLT.xxx

yes i can confirm she had rather huge beef curtains for such a small lass but took my inflated manhood like a proper goer

Ah, may thanks for that. Ever thought about getting a tattoo as a memento? Something along the lines of "I saw Kylie's meaty pissflaps whilst poking her in the Gary Glitter"?

I think it'd look fabulous.

thats a swell idea, i could get it done in helvetica along the length off my cock

Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

if i become erect, you could see it from here

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

if i become erect, you could see it from here

Really? You should change your username to "I've Got a Cock Like a Fucking Flagpole".

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"Oi gavnah, can oi get vis dwess cleaned bar temorarr." she asked (in a Mancunain's bad imwession of Essex accent).

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Narr" she replies. "Vis toim it's mayonnaise, innit."

I'll get my coat.

Reverend Big wrote:

I'm having the Ceremony dog under mine

Er, I thought tattoo's were for losers.

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

if i become erect, you could see it from here

Ahhh but how many settings have you got???

jigglywiggly, power pummel and lovepump* are my personal faves

and of course swivel... watching a petite bird spin like a top at the end of my shaft is a sight to behold

*it goes all the way up to 11 man

dominxatrix wrote:

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

if i become erect, you could see it from here

Ahhh but how many settings have you got???

jigglywiggly, power pummel and lovepump* are my personal faves

and of course swivel... watching a petite bird spin like a top at the end of my shaft is a sight to behold

*it goes all the way up to 11 man

Love, tell me really: would you rather have a stick of vibrating rubber shoved up yer cunt or is man-flesh the real deal??

NB - I probably know the answer already...

Give me the vibratin rubber,anyday..

Why choose when you can have both?

Men smell..

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote:

dominxatrix wrote:

old lead foot wrote:

TONY PULIS'S LOVE TRUNCHEON wrote: Superbio. Make sure you post a pic on here when you get it done.

Failing that, come round and show me sometime....

if i become erect, you could see it from here

Ahhh but how many settings have you got???

jigglywiggly, power pummel and lovepump* are my personal faves

and of course swivel... watching a petite bird spin like a top at the end of my shaft is a sight to behold

*it goes all the way up to 11 man

Love, tell me really: would you rather have a stick of vibrating rubber shoved up yer cunt or is man-flesh the real deal??

NB - I probably know the answer already...

But the rubber one is the only one I have to use on other people

Jem wrote: Why choose when you can have both?

Good answer, Jemima. Now, would you let Zammo do you up the shitter if he gave you free smack???

I wouldn't let anybody

Jem wrote: I wouldn't let anybody

Prude!!! Get off this thread!!!

I warn you, Jem - your status as NOOLs no.1 hearthrob may well be affected by this disclosure. This is a website that attracts the anally fixated, dontcha know....????

That's because you're all slags

Malcolm McDowell's Tattered Foreskin wrote: but we're HOT slags...

erm...what's a slag???

Trust me - you're a slag.

Jem wrote: I wouldn't let anybody

That's not what the bogs in your local say.

If anyone needs me I'll be staying with my mate Salmond (and providing anal availability in return for his hospitality natch)