Shit! Everyone's After Me And I Don't Know Why.....

Ah well.......I guess that's nothing unusual. I suppose I'll have to just get used to being constantly victimized wherever the fuck I go - Anyway, fear not folks, you will soon finally be rid of this loathsome beast we call Marty The Underdog by the New Year.

And that might be for real this time.

(Therefore, I'm just posting as much as I possibly can before that time comes, so please at least allow me that privilege.)

x x x

Marty, if you think everyone's after you name names. It's not like you to hide behind a veil so get it off your chest properly and get a right good barney started! The way I see things, there are different characters here all vying for space to air their own particular views, you are one of the more interesting and colourful ones. Although I don't always agree with your longwinded outbursts they are usually interesting to say the least, so don't even dream about leaving this forum, it's a platform to have a blast and get stuff off your chest. You don't seem the submissive type to me so whatever this shit is that's wearing you down get off your arse and fight back, change things to how you want them, stand up and be counted and don't let any bastard grind you down! Get your fuckin chin up and don't stop fighting till you win!!

Thanks Muffy for your ever-present support and that, but all I can say at this moment is that my head is so crammed to the nerve-endings of things that are so psychologically - and pathologically - damaging me on a daily basis that I just KNOW it will explode. As for fighting the demons - yes I'm not known for taking things lying down and simply just making do - I am - and have become - notorious for being the combatative argumentative sort, but even here, one can only do or write or say so much before admitiing defeat in the face of crushing indifference. So to speak...

This hasn't been a good year, granted, but I've had far too many ups and downs to even be capable of keeping check on the situation anymore, and when that happens, and when your sense of rationale becomes polluted and impaired, something seriously has to give. And, sad to say, I think I know what that means. Problem is, as for the solution to this, it's not a question of when, more a question of how.

Having to put up with another fake plastic Christmas and New Year (when we all know in our heart of hearts that it's just another false front for getting pissed and momentarily forgetting our troubles for a day or three, but in reality the shit will still be waiting for you when things get back to "normal") means that this underdog cannot any longer carry so much emotional baggage around with him - even if his rants tend to be an entertaining form of catharsis that other people (including myself - seeing as I write the bleedin things) take such delight from reading. Which is fine - I've absolutely no objections to that. Maybe I just crave the attention, I don't really know.... Apologies if I can't articulate my current feelings any better than this, but just to sign off with, think of the words on that classic Smokey Robinson & The Miracles song "Tears Of A Clown". That's where I'm coming from.

Thanks for being so kind - love to you all.

Marty

You are going to have to take the bull by the horns Marty and make the changes in your life that are going to get you to where you want to be. That may be the move to Amsterdam you've mentioned or it may be something more complicated and difficult like removing the people, situations, and things from your life that lead you to feel this way. Only you can decide what will make you happy, what you want from life and where you want to be, so make those decisions and take the necessary steps to make what you want reality.

Don't think you're alone out there, I too am sick to death with the apathetic, narrow mindedness of people in general. I too hate the facade of 'Christmas' and all it's commercialism. The latest one that gets my goat is Ikeas 'Come to Ikea, we have all you need to WIN Christmas'!! Burn the bastards down is what i'd do!! This year i'll be seeing my girls for my alloted two hours on Christmas morning, then coming home, shutting the door and turning the music up to drown out the sound of the world gone mad.

You're clearly no dimwit, so use that intelligence to get to where you want to be, but if it all gets too much and you feel you're drowning i'll fuckin walk to that shitty city you call home if I have to and hold your head above the water myself! And for god sake, please don't harm anybody, and especially not yourself!

Very well said Muffy , i fully agree with what you say. Martin, you are right about the xmas and new year thing, after jan. first the same shit starts over and over again. Indeed used as just another excuse to get pissed and i must admit , that is usually what i do too. It has become almost impossible in todays "society" to be able NOT to take part in these so called festivities. But in your posts i sense a bit more then just being sick of it all,honestly Martin you are sounding kind of depressed. Cheer up mate, fight yourself through the holidays and seasonal depressions and do as Muffy says:if you want things to change, it is up to yourself to do something about it! And if you're bored of it all overthere ,you are always welcome to come this way.

You're both kind of right about the problem I have - I have to admit, and it's been hard for me to get this across because the very last thing I wanted to even think of doing was to allow all my pathetic problems to start spilling out over into what should in essence be a purely lighthearted discussion message board for all likeminded music fans to chat to each other within. Of course I shouldn't be telling people about all the problems I've had - each to his own as they say - and anyway, who's interested, seeing as we all carry our own personal burdens around with us from day to day anyway? But, with due respect, seeing as you've brought up the subject I feel the least I could do is confirm that yes, I have had a recent history of manic depression / obsessive disorder / call it what you will that is frankly getting harder and harder to fight as the years roll on by. This all really took hold about 8 years ago - just brought on by the usual things: stress, anxiety, insecurity, self-awareness, self-criticism, lack of self esteem - all those things. In time these manifested themselves in such ways it became very difficult to control or put the lid on one's feelings of anger and lack of resolve or self-worth, usually the only way the sufferer tries to address this problem is by getting manically hyperactive or talkative or verbose or even unusually creative - some things which I have been guilty of doing many times over. Not for nothing did I decide to join and play in no less than ten different bands over the last five years. I needed to busy myself doing things that would take my mind off the shit that I normally have to put up with. So I kept busy, and over the years built up quite a formidable social circle of friends and acquaintances with whom to meet, chat and hang out with. So far so good. But recently, even all THAT has been eroded by my neverending disillusionment.....it's truly wretched when one cannot enjoy the things they used to like doing so well because something inexplicable deep inside has decided to throw one's emotional equilibrium into turmoil - which is what is happening again now. You could probably tell from the words I've been writing of late that I wasn't just ranting about nothing specific (If I was ranting at all that is, more like snapping back like a tethered dog at the fear and panic in the dark - which is a very good way of describing my current predicament here in Stockport ) but there was definitely something giving rise to such pathological hatred and fear. Much of this obviously has a lot to do with the here and now. But if I were to seek help about it I would only go through the same channels that I did on so many occasions previously. So that's rather pointless. Like you both say - the buck stops with yourself - no amount of counselling or consultation with psychologists can ever "cure" the problem. I have to go out there and seek to change my own little world myself, and if I can't do that then this torment will continue until I destroy little of what's left. And, as you can see, that's the most difficult part of it - getting that foot on the first rung as it were. Fuck, if I could get out now, and hop over to Holland or wherever, I would - but there's just SO many hurdles to overcome - emotional, financial, psychological, obsessional. It's very difficult to drop everything and run away - which I would dearly love to do. I always feel two ways about anything!! That is the real millstone round my neck - indecision and ambivalence. A lot of it obviously stems from my childhood - not a traumatic one it has to be said, but it had it's traumatic moments as most childhoods do - but the seeds of my obsessive, often misanthropic attitudes were sown at a very early age - fuck knows how. I just wasn't so aware of it then as I am now. So, I don't really know how I can take myself where I dearly want to go.... and it's the constant awareness of that that makes me so angry, confused and frightened for my future.

I realise you guys are trying to offer your help and I truly value your kind words, but I just wish I knew how to find a means or a method to act on it.... Until that window of opportunity arises, I suppose I will continue to feel unhappy about everything. (And I have to reassert this point but - I am NOT wallowing in self-pity - I'm far too self aware to slip into that charade...I'm merely questioning everything, expressing my doubts, and perhaps dwelling too much on the futility of why we have to live the lives we're expected to in order to get by, that's all. That's not such a big crime.....and anyway, I'm far too old to be E'd up to the eyeballs, jumping up and down full of the joys of spring without a care in the world - somehow that kind of false escapism doesn't seem right. Perhaps I'm just too much of a realist/fatalist for my own good.). Thanks anyway for bearing with me during such uncertain times.....

Originally posted by Mario Herlaar Very well said Muffy , i fully agree with what you say.Martin, you are right about the xmas and new year thing, after jan. first the same shit starts over and over again. Indeed used as just another excuse to get pissed and i must admit , that is usually what i do too. It has become almost impossible in todays "society" to be able NOT to take part in these so called festivities. But in your posts i sense a bit more then just being sick of it all,honestly Martin you are sounding kind of depressed. Cheer up mate, fight yourself through the holidays and seasonal depressions and do as Muffy says:if you want things to change, it is up to yourself to do something about it! And if you're bored of it all overthere ,you are always welcome to come this way.

Like with the Festive period Mario - this is what I mean when I say my heart and mind isn't in it: I shall be with my family in Liverpool over Christmas as usual - it's the only option I have raelly, you know? [given the choice I'd prefer to be alone somewhere - in a cozy country cottage, with a few cats and a log fire - you know, the kind of idyll that we can't find these days ]. But, although I'll be there with the kids and my sisters and mom and dad, it's only my physical presence that I grace my family with. Quite often - no, make that ALL the time - my mind and soul is somewhere else, millions of miles away, thinking of some of the most strange or just downright awful things that could happen to me just to get me away from this life. That's how bad it is sometimes, you know?

Martin, thanks for being so open with us. I wish there were something magic I could say to help you, but there isn't. I've had some times when I really just wanted to run away, but you never can. I hope you make it through this. Best wishes.

Cheers, y'all.....I have high regard for you lot too.

Martin, It's pretty amazing how you can express the situation you're in. In my experience if you can acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation and want to do someting about it, that's already a big step. Hang in there. Cheers, Coen

Martin, what can I say that hasn't already been said ?

I like a lot of people here. In fact, I can't think of anyone I disloke, it's just that I had the occasion to spend more time with some than others, but that might come someday.

In fact, I'm amazed how much support you get here when you mention something wrong with yourself, as my sickness of last week.

Overall, this is a very heartwarming place, here, so far beyond just a NewOrder-obsessed zone. And Dog knows (well, I don't believe in God, so...) I'm NO-obsessed myself.

Well, what I want to say is : what I will miss the most, should you stop posting, dear Martin, is not even our passionnate discussions about The Field Mice, The Boo Radleys or Stereolab, but just the friend.

I would just miss you as I would miss a dear friend.

Try to take good care of yourself, Martin and don't worry, I'll be back on the Stereolab thread soon...

Martin, This is the first time Ive had the chance to read your thread. Whatever is making you so depressed, whatever you do, you cant hide from it. If i have learnt one thing in my life, ive realised that running away solves nothing. Facing and confronting problems is the only way.

With everything i have been through of late, i know all about wanting to escape. One of my friends told me the best way to think about things. She said that my Fathers death will always be with me, its like a huge suitcase you have to carry around with you, and at the moment its heavy and hurts to carry it, but eventually, i'll get stronger, and although i'll still have it, it will eventually become easier to carry. The same thing applies to most problems...

One thing you can rest assured in, is that you are very very loved. You have a huge circle of friends here, who would be more than willing to help you at anytime. Just say the word...

Keep smiling Marty, Its the only way sweetheart...

Liv

xxx

Hey Martin!!!

FUCK the festivities!!! Go on with your live as you like to live it!!!

Hey Marty,

why not try some PROZAC

or some special SIGARETS...

Hey Martian fellow!!

You have many friends you know, look around, we all love you!

And, when you might have to escape from the UK, then I am quite sure that Holland will grant you political asylum!!

JIM!!!

What can I say to all these incredibly heartening words of support from everyone?

You know - for once I am virtually speechless!

Now - that alone is pretty shocking, isn't it?!!!

Love to you all too - I'll try as best I can to get on with everything. Ta very much all of you. .....espesh Buster and Liv.

x x x

You're very welcome, Martin...

And if we could make you feet at least a little better, it is really priceless.

My feet? What's wrong with my feet???!! Only kidding - I understood what you were saying!! Thanx buddy! And you go easy yourself too, yeah?

feet ? I had to re-read my post carefully...

Thanks mate...

I may be a little late to offer my support/sympathy for you to read, but let me say Maty that this place just woudln't be the same without you. Perhaps I'm being a bit selfish in saying so, but I honestly believe this forum is a good way to exorcise demons that we all hide in the normal light of day. I know that discovering the Internet has lead me to realize I'm not alone in my anxieties, fears, depressions etc. No one should try to work out their issues alone without some outlet for what they're thinking (Perhaps that might have saved Ian had he been able to share more openly what was going on). The fakenss of the holidays is reinforced this year especially by the attacks on America. no one in their right mind can say this Christmas holds any more meaning. We're just more aware of the shitty situation right outside our doorstep.

Personnally, I've wondered if I might not be manic-depressive, or overly melancholic, but I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of what normally excites people has no meaning for me. Most if not all the religions of the world harbor some kind of intolerance, and popular culture is full of shit I wouldn't like even if I was normal. I guess what I'm saying is I kinda have an idea what you must be going through, wondering if it's all worth it considering the hostility of the world towards anyone "different". There are too many questions unanswered for me to be complacent about life.

Marty, try and keep it together, if not for yourself than for the people around you. Some of them must genuinely love you, and your absence would be especially terrible for them. Don't let anyone tell you you can't have happiness in what you do, just getting up every morning is proof that you're ready to contribute something to the world. I think I'm coming out a lont more longwinded than I planned, but let me conclude with this: Suicide (if that's what you were considering) is a permenant solution to a tempoary problem. If you take nothing else from this, at least keep that in mind.

Your pal, Trevor

Martin my pal, i know what you mean , holiday season and all.... As a matter of fact after my last post yesterday, i couldn't post no more(server fucked up again), so i went home(this forum makes me nearly stay at work around the clock) and guess what....i got a pen and the oldfashioned blocnote and started writing!!That's something i would like to thank you for, cause it is the only way to try at least to keep track with your posts , lenghtwise as well as linguistic! You made me write again!!! Fuck computerkeyboards or whatever you call these things i type this post on... So this is what was coming to my mind last night when i got home last night.......... I just wanted to give an example of things, little things often, that keep me going or get my through times/states of mind when one can't see any logic in anything at all anymore.For instance ,last week i was reading the dutch teletext page 718, which has sun and moon tables and a small textpart about the sky and stars. It mentioned a high chance for seeing comet/falling stars. So that night at about 2.30 i was standing in my garden,clear sky and freezing,twisting me neck,large spliff hanging loose between da lips, watching the night sky. Within 5 minutes i checked a beautiful one! Not the ones you catch from the corner of your eye, only to find it gone cause it is taking you 1/100 of a second to focus your eye on it!!! This one was bright ,had a long clear tale and probably only lasted a second,but it felt like forever to me. And it's simple small things like this that make me as happy as a monkey with 7 dicks!!O.k., admitted, i smoked weed so that's what made me so euforic. Not completely true, it intensified the feeling of simplem pleasure!!! At times i feel fucked(often mentally) things like that are pulling me through!really!! Might sound silly/stupid/daft/wotever, but it gives me the power to enter/take part in daily life and facing ignorant,burocratic,fascist,phony,plastic etc. etc. people!!

Coming back to the writing mood you put me on Martin, did you know that written/spoken word and reading books are slowly but steadydecreasing and it seems accepted as well, slowly but steady!!!??? I have got nothing whatsoever against the immigrants living in my country but i find it highly shocking to hear most of the younger kids speak in a turkish/maroccan way. I don't mean sounding like t/m but grammarwise.Jokes about tuks and maroccans are often larded with badly pronounced dutch,mixingthe articles,using the wrongcase etc. etc.And i hear dutch 14/15/16 year olds , behind the counter of supermarkets say: wilt u DE bonnetje.It should be: wilt u HET bonnetje. I ask you,what's wrong with this bloody world??Shocking!!! It's like saying in English IT tree, instead of A tree!yOU KNOW , UN FUCKINGBELIEVABLE. Language becomes suprficial. Not to mention the grammar corrections in my country about 3 or 4 years ago(or longer).Lots of words are now also allowed to be written in a more fonetic way.A SHAMEFUL FURTHER SIMPLIFICATION,DEGENERATION OF OUR LANGUAGE!!! We alreadylost lots of grammar rules like they still have in f.i. Germany(die,der das den denen des dessen). Where will it end?? Buying spoken word without talking in a supermarket coming in a tin or jar??Picked by sentence, depending on ones mood. Hope i'm not around at those times!! Sad fact of the matter is that this decay is caused by our own bloody government.They're the ones that let the quality and sometimes even the quantity of education go downhill and do fuck all about it!No one in their right mind wants to become a teacher!! Nowadays there is a chance pupils will beat the crap out of you after school or even in school!!??Plus the payment sucks. In order to fill gaps at schools, nearly anyone can become a teacher within the blink of an eye.So lots of people lacking basic educational skills are given the responsibility to feed kids in their puberty with knowledge/interest in technic,culture,people,literature,science???Biggest questionmark ever!!! Secundo i blame the USofA!!No offence to all our american friends on this forum!!,i like you all a lot. What i mean is the Americanisation,Macdonaldfication of our way of life/culture!!Over the last 2,5 decades , at least, my country and its people have slowly taken over lots of american habits like Fastfood/the way we make tvshows/everything must be big or bigger,high or higher(i like that one)/utter competitiveness(?)/and most of all :bloody 24hrs economy!!! I cannot believe these asshole dutch people!!Coming from a country where there is no taboo on sex or drugs, this is hard to figure out Martin.

Oh well,i'll ehh post now ehh...i guess... Cheers mate

And not a word about New Fucking Order... hmm, just did, so allowed.

Hell, you see what a few beers and joints and a pen a piece of paper can make me do!!!! And i haven't even started yet!!!! There is still the bigger picture: Europe getting one, euro money,no borders: this is the 52th state of america!?

So , thats of my chest. Mario

Oh and by the way,, heard this morning that Gilbert Becaud died.....His breakthrough was in 1955 in ...paris olympia. His nickname was Monsieur 100.000 Volt!!!Thats something else then 60 mph!! He also wrote over 400(!!!)) chansons!Beats Stereolab

Wow - that's one hell of an instalment that Mario - I'll have to read it a few times to see if you weren't completely drunk when you put pen to paper ( only joking!!! ). I do see what you mean actually - and I'm surprised that you feel such relative discontentment with things in your own country - it seems there is one constant going through here: successive governments trying to be "trendy" and in so doing destroying or diluting and corrupting some of the values which we would otherwise hold dear in the name of "progress" - an issue obviously we've touched upon in the "Manchester...?" thread of mine. It is truly sad- and it IS one of the things that causes me so much grief and despair. It all seems to be out of our hands. Like apathy is the worst thing of all, and it's so obvious judging by how bad things seem to be (your point on the Americanisation of much of the world being a valid point - and I do know that many of our US correspondents on this thread will hopefully not take offence and misconstrue what we're trying to get across - they too may also feel this disillusionment at how their own country is being "dumbed down" - it's a fucking disease - happening everywhere.) And now, like you say, the elements of our Native languages suffer too: we also get the problem with illiterate people in this country: you'd be surprised and shocked at just how many people cannot spell these days - even in top-paid jobs in televison, publishing, graphics, web-design, media, marketing and advertising. For such an "advanced" country, Britain probably has the highest percentage of dyslexics and illiterates. Is that something to be so proud of? I should know - I see spelling mistakes fucking everywhere.!!! It's truly tragic that our own country cannot even learn their own language without all this trendy dumbing down. I mean, this may sound ridiculous now, but what's the reckoning that in ten years time all school children will have difficulty spelling properly because of TXT MSSGNG? Get it? Not as far fetched a prediction as it sounds. Sometimes, the future really does look as grim as we fear. Fucking hell , if you say Holland is also as bad - then that leaves me with nowhere to go then - unless I become an Eskimo or something! It shouldn't have to be like this, but sadly, it is. And it fucking crucifies me.

We could also become monks in Tibet or so, and smoke templehash all day..............and not speak no more

Dear Martin,

I have revisited this site a number of times because I think that this site generates a lot of love. I have read your 'thread' and gee buddy you need something in your life - something more than New Order. Martin have you thought about letting Jesus into your life, our Lord can save your soul and make every day on earth heaven. I'm not talking material things but in your heart, body and mind the spirit of Jesus can uplift you Martin. Seek and ye shall find my friend.

Jerry

:\puke:

Originally posted by Jerry Murphy Dear Martin,I have revisited this site a number of times because I think that this site generates a lot of love. I have read your 'thread' and gee buddy you need something in your life - something more than New Order. Martin have you thought about letting Jesus into your life, our Lord can save your soul and make every day on earth heaven. I'm not talking material things but in your heart, body and mind the spirit of Jesus can uplift you Martin. Seek and ye shall find my friend.Jerry

Dear Jerry - I know you mean well so many thanks for contributing here , much as I respect your particular beliefs and notions, I'm afraid to say this, but, I feel that the world is in its present fucked up state precisely because of this behemoth that we call "religion". That's all I can really say on the issue, except to add that, if I were to devote any of my future life to embracing a belief, then Buddhism is probably the only one that appeals to me for it's fundamentally non-violent and non-confrontational values and mores (ie- there is no god to look up to - only yourself. In Buddhism, it's your self-worth that matters, and as you can see, I don't harbour much of that at present). Plus, I also get the chance to set fire to myself if things really aren't working out at all. No disrespect to you Jerry - seriously - but thanks all the same for mentioning it.

Love and peace, Martin.

So i was aiming in the right direction,Martin, about becoming monks???